Archive for Wanker

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #9

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2008 by Buck Frain

#9: Lleyton Hewitt

Little Wanker. I could just leave it at that, it sort of says it all.

Straight out of the reclaimed wasteland of West Lakes SA, Lleyton Hewitt turned professional at 17 and quickly became known as Little Wanker for his on-court antics. Pumping himself up with screams of C’mon! and occasionally C’mon Balboa! in a homage to the Rocky franchise and his trademark vicht salute which he slyly appropriated from Swedish pro Niclas Kroon when the patent lapsed.  Most of the mindless, illiterate bogans who worship him refer to this as doing a Lleyton, if only they realised that it’s really signified opportunistic theft as much as victory. How very convict-chic!

In all fairness, there are very few of us who could honestly say we weren’t wankers at the age of 17, and fame and fortune can’t make that any easier. The real litmus test, however, is that a reasonable proportion of us change. Change is theoretically made easier by the presence of material wealth as it is this that facilitates choice and makes self-improvement more of an easy option. Unfortunately, Lleyton has not yet availed himself of this opportunity. Instead, the juvenile antics continue and his sporting achievements wane and then there’s this:

The former World No. 1 married Bec Cartwright – former soapie star, a girl with no discernable ability or character that might challenge or upstage L-Wank. She’s the cottage cheese of womanhood, bland and uninteresting, non-threatening, low fat and very G-rated. The sort of woman you fuck when you really just want to fuck yourself. Let’s not forget that Lleyton-lookalike Kim Klijsters might have been the girl had she not possessed talent and character. L-Wank and Bec have been cited by conservative tools like number 8 as a portrait of what hetero-sexual-nuclear-families are supposed to be like, and they have been breeding much to the delight of the tabloids and masses of overweight, Channel 9-watching fucktards. They make me want to vomit. It’s like a 1950’s Westinghouse commercial with extra blonde.

Lleyton Hewitt is a little wanker, an arseclown and a fuckstick. Childish, petulant, occasionally racist and homophobic – the little man’s boof-head. I’d love to smash Lleyton Hewitt, in the front bar with a pool cue, old-school, like the little bogan fuckwaste he is.