Archive for TV

Packed To The Rafters With Gormlessness!

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2010 by Buck Frain

A top psychologist has come out to warn fucking idiots obsessed with a piece-of-shit TV show that the death of a fictional character may cause them to feel an emotion. A major news outlet scrambled to alert an apathetic and increasingly gorm-deficient populace to this inconsequential drivel in the hope they could avoid having to report any of the significant events or issues that might warrant genuine social consideration.

If people start feeling emotions about things that aren’t real, they reasoned, it’s a real possibility that they may one day experience an emotion about something that is real. If this happened, then it’s down the slippery slope to people forming considered opinions about the world they live in and even taking actions towards making it a better place. This sort of thing could seriously threaten big business.

Fuck you, Australia, for taking it! Fuck you, Channel 7, for producing the flyblown arse that is Packed to the Rafters! Fuck you again for trying to disguise blatant plugs for your own TV show as legitimate news! – Yes, they seriously tried to pass plot plugs for the show as genuine news that implied that an actor had died! – And fuck you to the psychologist, Dr. Jan Hall, who thinks that experiencing emotions is something that the public need to be warned about! Are you fucking serious? I mean, are we as a society so alienated from our emotions that we need a public warning about the catastrophic grief we may experience at the loss of a fictional character on a TV show? Get fucked!

“Tell yourself it’s only a TV show, exercise to release the ‘happy drugs’ in your body, or watch a soppy DVD that makes you have a good cry,” she said.

Fuck the fucking fuck right off! Seriously, Dr Hall, do you actually think that people have forgotten the purposes and possible effects of drama? People empathising with fictional characters and experiencing emotions as a result of fictional events? What the cunting shit do you think has been going on for the last 2000 years? Theatre and catharsis – ring any bells? You fucking stupid cunt! JUST FUCKING DIE!!!

A massive FUCK YOU has to go out to The Herald Sun for giving any of this even the slightest consideration. YOUR ORGANISATION SHOULD BE OBLITERATED FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE NATIONAL INTELLECT!!!

By the way, the two million people who watch that excremental suburban banality should be set on fire for their lack of imagination or taste. Gormless fucks! I’m serious, I fucking hate you all!

Hey Hey WHAT century are we living in?

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2009 by Buck Frain

This is what passes for entertainment in Australia. It was on national TV last night and today the media is awash with debate about whether or not it constituted racism. The general consensus from the bogan masses of this country seems to be that everyone should get a sense of humour and have good old brain-dead laugh at it all. I tend to think that if you don’t believe it was racist, YOU ARE A RACIST! You may not be burning crosses, wearing pillow cases on your head or trying to murder people but you’re a lousy racist sack of shit all the same.

Some Australians seem to be under the misapprehension that if they think something funny, that perception of humour cancels out any perception of racism experienced by anyone else. IT CUNTING WELL DOESN’T! It’s the sort of boozy logic that leads footy players to think that because they want the girl she automatically wants all of them. She may have thought she was gang-raped but that was just her being a bad sport and she should really get over it. If she wasn’t so uptight she’d admit that in fact she had a great time. 

Too much? Let’s look at it seriously. What is funny about the above skit? There was no amazing choreographic homage; there was no satirical reworking of MJ’s lyrics. It was white people dressed in black face and an Indian guy who says he’s never been called racist in his life (because if your skin is brown you can’t possibly be racist, can you?) dressed in white face. These shining members of the Australian medical profession – yes, these are educated Australians – have gone two for one, compounding racism with bad taste. Perhaps the best value in the sewer this week. Perhaps not. 

But it was just a bit of fun. 

Really? Take away the make up and what do you have? Oh yeah, nothing! That was the act. That was the gag.

It’s funny because they’re white guys who are pretending to be black! See, that guy’s face is painted white because MJ was black but he looked white! He’s pretending to be a black guy who’s self-mutilating to make himself look like a white guy due to his deep self-hatred, a legacy left over from an abusive childhood! Aaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha get me another pair of pants! That’s gold!

FUCK YOU!!! 

Australia is a very racist country. We don’t like to think of ourselves as racist but that’s just denial. Refer to the last 221 years. We usually hide it behind a mask of humour nowadays but that doesn’t make it any less ignorant or wrong. Pretending it’s all matesy Aah, you ol’ black bastard, ya! doesn’t remove the degradation, humiliation or inherent violence from it. It just makes you feel better about being a cunt. Racism hurts people and divides society. It is ugly and absurd. If you want to make racist jokes with your racist mates, don’t fucking well do it in public, keep that feral shit to yourself! 

I do have a sense of humour but I fail to see anything funny about a plastic surgeon making racist jokes with his rich doctor mates on national TV insulting a recently deceased legend who was plagued with the sort of psychological problems that keep said plastic surgeon and his industry in business. At the very least it was in extremely poor taste but if we’re truly honest with ourselves we have to acknowledge it as bare-faced racism and spurn it as such. Fuck you, Channel 9 for approving this shit for broadcast! Fuck you, Hey Hey It’s Saturday, for being a shitty, out-dated dog turd of a show recycling 20 year old bigotry. Fuck you, redneck bogan wankers of Australia, who are too stupid to realise you are racist scum-sucking cretins! FUCKING DIE!!!

Australian_racism 

To Harry Connick Jr, respect! Nice work calling it like it is and having the balls to go against the grain in a foreign land.

Frain on Film – Eat Some!

Posted in Things Rank And Gross In Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 20, 2009 by Buck Frain

OK, so I’ve been pretty absent of late and today I’m trading boundless rage for shameless self-promotion but there is a time for everything.

A most excellent Melbourne film maker, Craig Fox, has adapted my post about The Jesus Spoon into a short film starring none other than Ian Smith, best known for his role as Harold on Neighbours.

ian_smith_jesus_spoon

I’ve seen the film and it’s a fucking champion so I urge all you lovers of film, Frain, Jesus and/or dog shit to logon to the I.F. Awards and support independent film by voting for this haunting tale of youth and culinary experimentation.

Thanks for your support and I’ll write again soon…something’s bound to shit me off pretty soon!

Ultra violence and chocolate eggs.

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2009 by Buck Frain


jesus_gets_hammered

Q: What’s this? 

A: A cunt of a way to spend the Easter long weekend!

 

Happy Easter, bitches! Eat chocolate, celebrate rabbits and the amount of fucking they do, buy lumber and nail someone nice to it! I appreciate a couple of days off work as much as the next bloke, but fuck me dead if I don’t wish there was something decent on TV.

Do Bunnings have an Easter sale? That’d be kinda funny.

Why haven’t dairies got involved with a series of commemorative Easter cheeses? Cheeses for Jesus! Sounds good to me, they’d go down a treat with all the cunting bread and red wine. Eat this cheese, for it is my cheese – OK, maybe not, but that whole speech was already pretty creepy stuff. The wine’s your blood, huh? How many of these have you had, J-bagger?

On that note why isn’t there an Exorcist-inspired ice block for Easter? Y’know, lemonade crucifix on a stick with a rasberry jelly Jesus. It’d be fucking great! Try new Lick Me Jesus! Fuck yeah, the kids would love it! 

Ah, shit! It’s only Good Friday, I’m already bored as a twat and there’s still three days to go. Fuck this shit, I’m going down the pub to get wankered!

 

Australian Supervisor – Banality TV or just another s#!t job?

Posted in Tales From Hell with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2008 by Buck Frain

Some are born mediocre, some achieve mediocrity and some have mediocrity thrust upon ‘em. 

Oh, for simplicity. Life has become a cheesy, unkempt socialist minge clamped suffocatingly over my red-wine-hungover face. Why, for the love of mercy, can’t I die in my sleep? Why don’t angry gang members just randomly shoot me while I’m buying coffee? I apologise, dear reader, for the infrequency of my entries of late but life my has taken an hitherto unprecedented turn for the feculently absurd.

My evil mouth-breathing minotaur of a boss called me into her office at the end of the week. She was terribly excited and that scared the living fuck out of me. If L.F. is happy about anything then either Creed are in town or something else is very wrong in the world. Indeed it was the latter.

She’d called me in to offer me the opportunity of vying for a promotion. Not to offer me one but to tell me I was now part of a bizarre selection process that appears like a cruel and unusual punishment in itself, for a position that no right-minded person would want in the first place.

They want a new supervisor. Supervisors are the pitiful wastes of humanity who oversee phoneroom work but have no real power except their own bitterness. So The Wobblers have selected four of the more literate and socially presentable interviewers, myself oddly included, to train as Team Leaders (Team Leaders are the people who listen to the calls that you agree to being listened to when bastards like me phone you) for a couple of months, at the end of which one of us would win* and be the new supervisor. She actually said win, I can’t wait for the day my doctor tells me I’ve won cancer.

The only thing I could think as she described this absurdity was that I should immediately call Channel 31 and tell them to get some RMIT students over here to turn it into a reality TV show called Australian Supervisor. It would be brilliant, the briefings and meetings with all their many office sub-plots streaming off. The learning of the ropes, the discussions about  troublesome interviewers, the monitoring the calls between interviewers and the general public, the confessions as we cry about having to reprimand our former comrades over petty transgressions, the patronising analyses of L.F. and the other supers as they rate us against one another. Of course the reality TV version would be much more exciting than the actual reality as the public would be able to vote on us and someone other than ourselves would bear witness to this pitiful existence. The sad banality is far more hopeless, but to my own surprise, after a little resistance, I accepted the offer. I tried to shrug it off initially but L.F. really wanted me to do it, any reasonable employer would have fired me on the spot for my lack of gratitude and work ethic.

Gee, I don’t know. The good thing about interviewing is I can leave for a week or two and still have a job when I come back. Can I still do that as a supervisor?

Well, …yes. I’d need notice but …yes, that’s fine.

How much extra do I earn an hour for all this?

Well, initially…not much…but the successful applicant will make $ 😦

You know, that’s not very much for being accountable for stuff?

Yes, but you’ll find this is a gateway position in the organisation and you could go from here to anywhere if you work hard enough…

What a cuntful pack of bullshit. The words market research and career should not end up in the same sentence together…ever! I should have dropped my trousers in front of her and snapped off a big steaming shit right on her desk before walking away forever, but I didn’t. I listened to the bullshit, I nodded and smiled and I acquiesced. I deluded myself that I would defiantly take the system for all I could at any opportunity, but really…?

In truth, I just sold out. I’m a weak piece of shit the same as all the many people I despise. Fuck, I hate myself, but sadly looking down the barrel of the continued mindless tedium of interviewing, I couldn’t say no. I am such a whore, but like a convict faced with the choice between continued incarceration or parole into an unforgiving world of prejudiced oppression and at-best minimum wage slavery, I chose parole. At least it breaks the tedium, I’ll still be a casual worker with no penalty rates or paid holidays, sick leave or job security, but at least the shifts are longer. Fuck me, who’d have thought I’d ever want to spend more time in that shit-hole than I already do?

If anyone knows how to make bombs out of paper clips and photocopier toner please email the recipe to buck.frain@gmail.com .

 

*She didn’t tell us what would happen to the three applicants who lose, does it not seem strange that none of us actually asked that?

Tune in for… FUCK ALL!!!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2008 by Buck Frain

The TV ‘s been barking at me again, telling me to tune in Friday for: Secrets Revealed. The Bermuda triangle, the pyramids of Giza, the Nazca Lines in Peru – What really happened? Find out, as we use the latest technology to reveal age-old mysteries on Secrets Revealed, Friday on Channel Shit-Fuck! Tune in you illiterate, obese arse-children. Watch an hour of deep voiced speculation accompanied by some crappy CGI and at the end you’ll know…fuck…all.

Figure it out you dumb-fucks – there are no answers! No-one KNOWS what happened. All you get with these shows is another non-committal retelling of the shit theories you’ve heard a million times before. No conclusions because if someone KNEW, we would have heard about it in the news and we certainly wouldn’t be hearing it for the first time in some hard-boiled TV special with a constipated voiceover. It makes me so sick with rage that these TV executive toe-rags still manage to get an audience by doling out the same old shit year after year. It makes me hate my species that we’re so collectively fucked-in-the-head. We are nothing but monkeys, the aliens knew it at Nazca and they were just slagging us off knowing full well it would take thousands of years for us to be able fly so that we could comprehend the insult. Fuckin’ stupid monkeys! How many seasons of The fucking X-Files did you have to watch to realise that whether or not the truth was out there they were never going to tell you because revealing it would do the cunts out of a show? Bet you’re still watching Lost too, aren’t you?

Yes, the TV is lying to you. Just because it’s the only parent you’ve ever known doesn’t mean it loves you. Commercial TV is stealing your time, raping your soul and laughing about it. FUCK! Someone give me one of those nukes that went missing after the USSR went to shit. Humanity is unredeemable. Go for a walk, you stupid fat cunts!

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #10

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2008 by Buck Frain

#10: Kyle Sandilands


If you took a spiteful, cowardly, metrosexual cane toad and dressed it up with a faux mo and a designer beard you’d have something resembling Kyle Sandilands – Australia’s Littlest Fat-Cunt. Loathing is not nearly a strong enough word to describe the feeling I have towards him. 

When interviewed on Enough Rope last year, speaking of his childhood, he painted himself as a superficial, materialistic child who fantasised about being rich, cut out pictures of crystal vases and put them in a scrap book. Now, that’s just fuckin’ creepy!

Then the traumatic tale of how he’d spent time living on the street after being kicked out of his comfortable middle-class existence by mum and step-dad for throwing a miniature Corey Delaney party when they went away. This, I’m sure, was the bit where we were supposed to see the vulnerable, human Kyle. All I saw was an angry little turd who went off half-cocked at his parents, who were rightly pissed at him, and has used that as justification for all the nastiness he’s felt inclined to inflict on the world ever since. Emotionally, it’s clear he never moved past this incident and is still an angsty, self-absorbed, attention-seeking teenager at heart. Unfortunately for everyone else in the country, instead of doing adolescent stuff like spray-painting “fuck” on a wall, he’s got a national audience and he can carve it into people’s souls with his cruel pranks and insults. 

On radio, he rapes ordinary people’s lives with no regard for the personal, emotional carnage left in his wake, and all in the name of ratings. On Australian Idol he mostly sticks to attacking girls about their physical appearance. I mean, fuck – he doesn’t know anything about music so what else is there to do? He gets paid enormous amounts of money for this, for bullying women. Why? Maybe because that’s what Australians want. I don’t know, maybe we want to see girls being bullied, maybe that’s what our society has come to – misogynist rage. 

Predictably, like all piss-weak, soft-cock, woman beaters, he never takes responsibility for his actions and he can’t take it when he’s the one copping the abuse. I will always love comedian Dave Hughes for calling him a dickhead at the Logies! Kyle snapped the carrot, repeating whenever he got the opportunity how he would punch Hughesy in the throat. Ooh, hard man! In the throat! Tough guy! He even said he was happy to do jail time pay it off, hmm, does little Kylie just want to be a big-man’s bitch? At any rate, Hughesy would kick Kyle’s stupid arse and, you know, I’d pay to see that shit, for sure.

Most recently, Kyle has had a go at TV host/ comedian/ producer/ good bloke/ icon Rove McManus. Not to his face, like a man. Not with any fear of a reply – no, leave nothing to chance, weaklings. After a phone conversation on radio with Rove – The Cane Toad slagged him off after hanging up! GROW SOME BALLS, YOU LITTLE FAT FUCK! 

Kyle Sandilands’ entire career is built upon bullying, lowbrow abuse and exploiting people from his position of power, be it as shock-jock or TV personality. Winner of Who Weekly Most Hated Man, FHM Tosser of the Year, Fugly Awards Worst Male Personality on TV, he isn’t smart, witty or funny, he’s just a sadistic child with a magnifying glass. He is devoid of empathy, he has nasty small hands and I wish I could chop him up and sell him for his blood and organs. 

I would love to smash Kyle Sandilands. Fuck you, Kyle, I hope you’re in therapy and I pray your therapist is convincing you that suicide is a valid option because, for you, IT IS!!!