Archive for Television

Australian Supervisor – Banality TV or just another s#!t job?

Posted in Tales From Hell with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 25, 2008 by Buck Frain

Some are born mediocre, some achieve mediocrity and some have mediocrity thrust upon ‘em. 

Oh, for simplicity. Life has become a cheesy, unkempt socialist minge clamped suffocatingly over my red-wine-hungover face. Why, for the love of mercy, can’t I die in my sleep? Why don’t angry gang members just randomly shoot me while I’m buying coffee? I apologise, dear reader, for the infrequency of my entries of late but life my has taken an hitherto unprecedented turn for the feculently absurd.

My evil mouth-breathing minotaur of a boss called me into her office at the end of the week. She was terribly excited and that scared the living fuck out of me. If L.F. is happy about anything then either Creed are in town or something else is very wrong in the world. Indeed it was the latter.

She’d called me in to offer me the opportunity of vying for a promotion. Not to offer me one but to tell me I was now part of a bizarre selection process that appears like a cruel and unusual punishment in itself, for a position that no right-minded person would want in the first place.

They want a new supervisor. Supervisors are the pitiful wastes of humanity who oversee phoneroom work but have no real power except their own bitterness. So The Wobblers have selected four of the more literate and socially presentable interviewers, myself oddly included, to train as Team Leaders (Team Leaders are the people who listen to the calls that you agree to being listened to when bastards like me phone you) for a couple of months, at the end of which one of us would win* and be the new supervisor. She actually said win, I can’t wait for the day my doctor tells me I’ve won cancer.

The only thing I could think as she described this absurdity was that I should immediately call Channel 31 and tell them to get some RMIT students over here to turn it into a reality TV show called Australian Supervisor. It would be brilliant, the briefings and meetings with all their many office sub-plots streaming off. The learning of the ropes, the discussions about  troublesome interviewers, the monitoring the calls between interviewers and the general public, the confessions as we cry about having to reprimand our former comrades over petty transgressions, the patronising analyses of L.F. and the other supers as they rate us against one another. Of course the reality TV version would be much more exciting than the actual reality as the public would be able to vote on us and someone other than ourselves would bear witness to this pitiful existence. The sad banality is far more hopeless, but to my own surprise, after a little resistance, I accepted the offer. I tried to shrug it off initially but L.F. really wanted me to do it, any reasonable employer would have fired me on the spot for my lack of gratitude and work ethic.

Gee, I don’t know. The good thing about interviewing is I can leave for a week or two and still have a job when I come back. Can I still do that as a supervisor?

Well, …yes. I’d need notice but …yes, that’s fine.

How much extra do I earn an hour for all this?

Well, initially…not much…but the successful applicant will make $ 😦

You know, that’s not very much for being accountable for stuff?

Yes, but you’ll find this is a gateway position in the organisation and you could go from here to anywhere if you work hard enough…

What a cuntful pack of bullshit. The words market research and career should not end up in the same sentence together…ever! I should have dropped my trousers in front of her and snapped off a big steaming shit right on her desk before walking away forever, but I didn’t. I listened to the bullshit, I nodded and smiled and I acquiesced. I deluded myself that I would defiantly take the system for all I could at any opportunity, but really…?

In truth, I just sold out. I’m a weak piece of shit the same as all the many people I despise. Fuck, I hate myself, but sadly looking down the barrel of the continued mindless tedium of interviewing, I couldn’t say no. I am such a whore, but like a convict faced with the choice between continued incarceration or parole into an unforgiving world of prejudiced oppression and at-best minimum wage slavery, I chose parole. At least it breaks the tedium, I’ll still be a casual worker with no penalty rates or paid holidays, sick leave or job security, but at least the shifts are longer. Fuck me, who’d have thought I’d ever want to spend more time in that shit-hole than I already do?

If anyone knows how to make bombs out of paper clips and photocopier toner please email the recipe to buck.frain@gmail.com .

 

*She didn’t tell us what would happen to the three applicants who lose, does it not seem strange that none of us actually asked that?

Tune in for… FUCK ALL!!!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 30, 2008 by Buck Frain

The TV ‘s been barking at me again, telling me to tune in Friday for: Secrets Revealed. The Bermuda triangle, the pyramids of Giza, the Nazca Lines in Peru – What really happened? Find out, as we use the latest technology to reveal age-old mysteries on Secrets Revealed, Friday on Channel Shit-Fuck! Tune in you illiterate, obese arse-children. Watch an hour of deep voiced speculation accompanied by some crappy CGI and at the end you’ll know…fuck…all.

Figure it out you dumb-fucks – there are no answers! No-one KNOWS what happened. All you get with these shows is another non-committal retelling of the shit theories you’ve heard a million times before. No conclusions because if someone KNEW, we would have heard about it in the news and we certainly wouldn’t be hearing it for the first time in some hard-boiled TV special with a constipated voiceover. It makes me so sick with rage that these TV executive toe-rags still manage to get an audience by doling out the same old shit year after year. It makes me hate my species that we’re so collectively fucked-in-the-head. We are nothing but monkeys, the aliens knew it at Nazca and they were just slagging us off knowing full well it would take thousands of years for us to be able fly so that we could comprehend the insult. Fuckin’ stupid monkeys! How many seasons of The fucking X-Files did you have to watch to realise that whether or not the truth was out there they were never going to tell you because revealing it would do the cunts out of a show? Bet you’re still watching Lost too, aren’t you?

Yes, the TV is lying to you. Just because it’s the only parent you’ve ever known doesn’t mean it loves you. Commercial TV is stealing your time, raping your soul and laughing about it. FUCK! Someone give me one of those nukes that went missing after the USSR went to shit. Humanity is unredeemable. Go for a walk, you stupid fat cunts!

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #10

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2008 by Buck Frain

#10: Kyle Sandilands


If you took a spiteful, cowardly, metrosexual cane toad and dressed it up with a faux mo and a designer beard you’d have something resembling Kyle Sandilands – Australia’s Littlest Fat-Cunt. Loathing is not nearly a strong enough word to describe the feeling I have towards him. 

When interviewed on Enough Rope last year, speaking of his childhood, he painted himself as a superficial, materialistic child who fantasised about being rich, cut out pictures of crystal vases and put them in a scrap book. Now, that’s just fuckin’ creepy!

Then the traumatic tale of how he’d spent time living on the street after being kicked out of his comfortable middle-class existence by mum and step-dad for throwing a miniature Corey Delaney party when they went away. This, I’m sure, was the bit where we were supposed to see the vulnerable, human Kyle. All I saw was an angry little turd who went off half-cocked at his parents, who were rightly pissed at him, and has used that as justification for all the nastiness he’s felt inclined to inflict on the world ever since. Emotionally, it’s clear he never moved past this incident and is still an angsty, self-absorbed, attention-seeking teenager at heart. Unfortunately for everyone else in the country, instead of doing adolescent stuff like spray-painting “fuck” on a wall, he’s got a national audience and he can carve it into people’s souls with his cruel pranks and insults. 

On radio, he rapes ordinary people’s lives with no regard for the personal, emotional carnage left in his wake, and all in the name of ratings. On Australian Idol he mostly sticks to attacking girls about their physical appearance. I mean, fuck – he doesn’t know anything about music so what else is there to do? He gets paid enormous amounts of money for this, for bullying women. Why? Maybe because that’s what Australians want. I don’t know, maybe we want to see girls being bullied, maybe that’s what our society has come to – misogynist rage. 

Predictably, like all piss-weak, soft-cock, woman beaters, he never takes responsibility for his actions and he can’t take it when he’s the one copping the abuse. I will always love comedian Dave Hughes for calling him a dickhead at the Logies! Kyle snapped the carrot, repeating whenever he got the opportunity how he would punch Hughesy in the throat. Ooh, hard man! In the throat! Tough guy! He even said he was happy to do jail time pay it off, hmm, does little Kylie just want to be a big-man’s bitch? At any rate, Hughesy would kick Kyle’s stupid arse and, you know, I’d pay to see that shit, for sure.

Most recently, Kyle has had a go at TV host/ comedian/ producer/ good bloke/ icon Rove McManus. Not to his face, like a man. Not with any fear of a reply – no, leave nothing to chance, weaklings. After a phone conversation on radio with Rove – The Cane Toad slagged him off after hanging up! GROW SOME BALLS, YOU LITTLE FAT FUCK! 

Kyle Sandilands’ entire career is built upon bullying, lowbrow abuse and exploiting people from his position of power, be it as shock-jock or TV personality. Winner of Who Weekly Most Hated Man, FHM Tosser of the Year, Fugly Awards Worst Male Personality on TV, he isn’t smart, witty or funny, he’s just a sadistic child with a magnifying glass. He is devoid of empathy, he has nasty small hands and I wish I could chop him up and sell him for his blood and organs. 

I would love to smash Kyle Sandilands. Fuck you, Kyle, I hope you’re in therapy and I pray your therapist is convincing you that suicide is a valid option because, for you, IT IS!!!

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #7

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2008 by Buck Frain

#7: Natalie Bassingthwaighte

If her surname alone wasn’t enough to make you want to smash her, the person herself seals the deal easily. Channel 10’s product, Bashing-twat is a portrait of bland Australian mediocrity at its most saccharine and fucked. Made a household name through her acting in the Channel 10 soap/crime-against-humanity Neighbours, she went on to pursue a singing career with The Rogue Traders, a cuntfully awful band shamelessly promoted by Channel 10 to little end. Most people still know they’re shit, despite contrived appearances to paid enthusiasm on Big Brother and anywhere else Channel 10 could squeeze them in. As a solo artist, she completely fucked her half of the duet Don’t Give Up with Channel 10’s own Shannon Noll and all the post-production in the world couldn’t hide her vocal shitness. Nowadays you can find her on Channel 10 hosting So You Think You Can Dance. I don’t care what you think of the show, Bashing-twat makes me so angry I want to smash my own house to pieces, her voice and her stupid fucking head just piss me off. I haven’t read her book, Sistahood : A Journal of Self-Discovery  that she wrote with her own sista. Get FUCKED!!!! I fucking hate the way she’s used hip-hop spelling to give herself cred with the kids. EAT MY SHIT, YOU CUNT! I won’t be reading it, even though it’s the first thing she’s done without the help of the Channel 10 puppeteers, I’m fuckin’ over it all.

Natalie Bassingthwaighte is fucking useless. Can’t act, can’t sing, can’t fucking present and with all the Botox she’s had, the poor bitch can’t even pull a face. She’s utter crap, a quasi-blonde façade, fashioned by Channel 10 executives to bore the masses into submission and make us crave a commercial break for the honest retail relief it brings. She should be taken away and quietly poisoned for the soulless, vacuous, generic mediocrity she fronts.

 

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #3

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2008 by Buck Frain

#3: David Koch

Oh fuck and cunting Jesus! It’s Monday morning and I’ve managed to get up early enough to see this complete twat’s bald mug on the TV. Well, that’s just buggered my week. David Koch. Kochie, as he’s known by most Australians, is a smarmy ballbag. His voice is the high-pitched whine of middle-class, middle-aged, emasculated Liberal voters. The financial journalist and morning show presenter is a simpering, sycophantic right-wing reactionary fuckstick and the only reason he’s tolerated on TV at all is that he’s such a wimp that no-one feels genuinely threatened by his half-arsed-ashamedly-conservative rhetoric. He’d love nothing more than to see Australia return to John Howard’s 1950s – a world before anyone had ever had sex and when the only people you’d see on the street were white people unless they were aborigines and they weren’t even people back then so you didn’t really see them because they weren’t really there.

According to this, he’s not only won numerous awards for his contributions to finance journalism in this country, he was also Father Of The Year last year. It is terrifying that he’s managed to pass those genes on and hideous to think someone actually slept with this wanker (and more than once). People are fucking sick. According to an anonymous source who went to school with Kochie’s son – he’s a complete fuckwit too. Kochie needs to be taken to with a cricket bat. He won’t learn anything but it’d be fun for the sounds of bat on bald.

 

10 People I’d Love To Smash – # 2.

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2008 by Buck Frain

#2: The chick off the iSelect commercials.

What an obnoxious woman, what an obnoxious campaign. The timbre of her voice seems to have been specifically chosen by the ad exec’s for its ability to stimulate bile production and unfettered rage in humans. If I ever meet someone who admits to writing that shit I’ll fucking glass them on the spot. I’ve yet to meet a person who is unmoved by or who actually appreciates these ads. Everyone I have spoken to hates them and, as a result, her with a passion. I know actors need to work, but FUCK! Show a little restraint: wait tables, do some Shakespeare-in-the-fuckin’-park. Anyone with even a couple of grey cells could tell you: That shit ain’t funny! It’s annoying, it’s fucked, it fills me with violent impulses and fuck knows I don’t need more. Health insurance? – FUCK YOU! If I ever buy health insurance I swear I’ll be happy to pay higher premiums every week for the rest of my life than give one cent to those FUCKERS. Fuck you iSelect, fuck you Camilla Jackson and your big fucking break, FUCK OFF AND DIE! She can’t act and her voice could put the veins in blue cheese. She should be used as a crash test dummy.

 You’d have to be picking you own teeth and fragments of facial bone off the road to buy health insurance any other way!