Archive for Safety

Australia – Rule #1: Don’t Spill Ya Piss!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2008 by Buck Frain


When I was in college a couple of my dear friends made up a list of rules for life. Rule number one was Don’t spill ya piss! (For the international visitors: “piss” is a colloquial term for any alcoholic beverage). The other rules slip my mind, the important thing was that every odd rule was Don’t spill ya piss!


Today I read this article about a driver pulled over in the Northern Territory who allowed his five year old child to sit on the floor of his car whilst his precious, his carton of beer, was safely secured to the back seat with a seat belt, between two other seat-belted adults. What a complete wanker.


This is about as Aussie as you can get. The only real cultural identity we have, outside of an unhealthy obsession with sports, is a culture of binge drinking which places more value on alcohol than even the safety of our own children. I suppose it’s only fitting seeing as the first currency of colonised Australia was rum.


When people ask me why I’m not patriotic I tell them because most of the people in any country are complete fuckwits, Australia is no different and I can’t really get fired up to associate myself with fuckwits. Patriotism is an archaic pile of horseshit, it’s just another version of tribalism, sectarianism, or a whole bunch of other –isms that attempt to disguise a very base animal behaviour, the aim of which is to alienate and ultimately kill anything other. Fuckin’ stupid monkeys! The only benefit in pulling this guy over and stopping him from killing everyone in his car was the possibility he might have taken a useful citizen or two with him.


I love a drink, beer is a great friend of mine, but people like this cunt just make me wish for the stupid-bomb to hurry up and cleanse the world of this plague of fools. Bring on the idiot apocalypse! Die you useless fucks! Please just die!

Human Vs. Train – A Fair Contest?

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , on April 6, 2008 by Buck Frain

While the vast majority of people nowadays instantly recognise cars, trucks and buses as potentially lethal and do their best to avoid being hit by them, it seems an increasing (or perhaps decreasing) number of people in the Australian state of Victoria seem NOT to perceive the same level of danger in trains.

During my commute home on Thursday night, the train I was on braked sharply as it approached Springvale Station and ground to a halt. After a suitable period of confusion the passengers were all asked to disembark. Evidently, a group of youths keen to catch the last train home had run across the tracks in front of it. The slowest of their number was struck and killed. Nice work, fuckwit! I thought as I began the walk home.

Now, I have no idea of the identity of the person killed, I haven’t managed to find the incident reported anywhere. I realise that no-one reports on the numerous suicides on train lines as they don’t want to promote a free service that would further disrupt an already atrociously unreliable PT system. I was, however, curious that this incident escaped public notice, not that it really matters given there seems a whole tribe of ballbags ready to step up to the spotlight and die from pure unadulterated fuckheadedness.

 To illustrate, in the past few weeks in Victoria alone, check this out:

  • 10th March – a lone nob-end drives his car in front of a passenger train between Nunawading and Mitcham Stations killing himself.
  • 24th March – A family of five drive their 4WD in front of a train near Geelong and come off pretty well with three out of the five surviving – strength in numbers.
  • 26th March – 59 year old fuckstick Laurie Heffernan laughs off his brush with death after walking away from the wreckage of his car after running it into a train he hadn’t seen.
  • 3rd April – Some little tool gets gooshed at Springvale but who the fuck knows whether that’s true, maybe the family was paid off by Connex, maybe the journos were all asleep, maybe Buck’s full of shit.

Hell, I don’t care if people want to take themselves out of the gene pool Darwin Awards style – even if they don’t possess the imagination to do it in an interesting way, it’s less fuckwits that I have to deal with. I does give me the shits a bit when I have to walk half an hour home, but the real problem I have is the endless pissing and moaning that goes on after these events. Ooooh, level crossings are dangerous. Or: Oh no, the trains are hurting the people, what can we do? Simple answer: Get out of the fucking way!

Transport Minister Lynn Kosky came under fire for daring to suggest drivers should watch where they were going following the family smash while The Opposition and various other useless fuckbags suggested a huge outlay of public money to build infrastructure to prevent licensed drivers who should never have passed their Hazard Perception Tests from writing themselves off.

Why should we spend millions upon millions of taxpayer dollars on boom-gates and ever more elaborate warning systems to save idiots from the laws of physics? Fuck it, what next? What about people getting hit by cars? Protect pedestrians by making everyone wear helmets and body armour to cross the road? Only build cars out of nerf? What ever happened to: TOUGH SHIT?

For fuck’s sake, it’s pretty basic: Trains are big, heavy and made of metal – you, at least relatively, are small, soft and fleshy with just a few white sticks in you so you make a decent crunch when mashed. There’s no contest, the train will always win. Even with the protection of a motor vehicle, which makes many people feel invincible, you’re just a chicken hotpack against…I don’t know…a BMX bike?

There’s no fucking reason why the government should pander to the stupidest common denominator. Fuck them. Let them fucking die. I know it’s sad when a family member’s life is cut short, even if they’re a complete imbecile, but get fuckin’ real. Just because yet another wanker has FAILed doesn’t mean we should penalise everyone who does have a brain. The stupid fuckers walking and driving in front of trains should be the thinking, but they’re not, and they won’t. They’re not because they’re fucking idiots and they won’t because they’re all fucking dead…well, except lucky pricks like Laurie.

In the interest of community service and a fair go for all I offer this message to the people of Victoria: If you are going to cross train tracks, whether on foot or in/on some form of vehicle. Be it skateboard, bicycle, car, bus, truck, 4WD or even Hummer please: LOOK BOTH WAYS. If you see a big shiny thing, or the lights of a possibly big shiny thing, STOP. Let it pass. You’ll feel much better if you don’t spread yourself too thin, and spreading yourself along 800m of steel is too thin.