Archive for Roads

Muti-tasking Or Being A Useless Twat?

Posted in Random Shit That Gives Me The Cunt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2008 by Buck Frain

Multi-tasking. What the fuck is the modern obsession with doing 50 million things at once? I don’t fucking get it! Yes, life is busy. Yes, the world is moving faster than it did before people had mobile phones, wi-fi internet or the wheel. But, seriously, are you saving time by doing a half-arsed job of a bunch of things? What the cunt are you doing?

 

 

It makes me sick. I’m a singular focus person. I like dedicating myself to a single thing and doing it properly before moving on to the next thing. I’m also a guy and doing more than one thing usually fucks me up. Women seem to be better at multi-tasking and good luck to them. I draw the line at walking while listening to music or watching telly while drinking beer, that’s the limit for me. Whatever! The thing that nauseates me, like a floating turd in my breakfast cereal, is the useless cunts who insist of multi-tasking at the expense of both tasks.

 

 

The attention-deficit FUCKHEADS who try to compose text messages while riding bicycles. These are truly useless people and I want to buy a big car just to run the fuckers over. No clue! No fucking clue where they’re going, what’s around them and I dread to even think about the spelling in their stupid messages. They cunt along at walking pace all over the road like they’re just screaming to the world: KILL ME NOW!!! Oh no, I better answer the message now or my pathetic social life will crumble. Ooh, no but I’d better not stop pedaling or time will stop and I’ll miss my vegan-sexual-philosophy tutorial. DIE!!!

 

 

DECIDE!!! Text OR ride! Not both! You’re not saving time. If you stop, type and send your message, then start riding again, you’ll be riding faster and you won’t give everyone around you the steaming shits by forcing the guilt of manslaughter on them, and the person who gets the message may even understand it. What the fuck is the point in fucking up both tasks? It fills me with boundless fury. They don’t deserve the oxygen they’re wasting on their atrophied brains. They should be legally designated outlets for public indignation and repressed rage. I want to snatch your stupid phone out of your hand and smash it on the road, and when you come back around to ask me in your neo-hippy-passive-aggressive way what my problem is, I want to swipe you off your bike with my cricket bat and smash your chinless body into a greasy paste in the bike lane!

 

 

Multi-tasking is bullshit, except when done by girls…sometimes, and only because they can make it work. Note the word can, they can make it work, and if they do – fine. Anyone who can’t should abstain from it and just learn to fucking well PRIORITISE!!!

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Shutup, Sluthead! You’re not saying anything!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 5, 2008 by Buck Frain

What the dog-felching fuck is wrong with motorists? The horn. The fucking car horn – the single most useless automotive accessory ever, with the possible exception of Baby On Board signs. Whilst everything to do with cars has been improved over the last 100 years, the horn has become electric and that’s it, other than that it’s the fucking same.

 

Indicators, on the other hand, are great. They’re articulate, they say: I’m turning left or I’m pulling over, if you count hazard lights as well: I’m a bit fucked right now, watch you don’t get fucked too. Horns do fuck all. The just scream AAARGH! indiscriminately at everyone nearby. Even variations in duration or number of horn-blasts communicate nothing except possibly a very subjective rendering of the user’s emotional state. They have no real meaning, there is nothing they communicate categorically, and this is largely because dumb-fuck motorists use them for everything huh, it makes a noise thus making their sound utterly redundant. Horns also have no direction and so no-one really knows who’s using the horn or who at, except the person using it huh, I told him stuff! It’s all cuntfully stupid.

 

How many times have you seen some suburban sluthead leaving a friend’s house and giving the horn a cheery beep beep! What the fuck? You said goodbye to your friend before getting in the car, you thanked them for dinner, you did all that, they already know you have a car, they know you’re in your car, they can fuckin’ see you! Why the horn? It’s fucked, it’s an absolute cunt and makes me want to chase their vehicle with a cricket bat and smash the weeping-arse fuck out of it. SHUT UP, YOU SHIT-EATING FREAK!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

 

They think the beep beep! means something? Of course it doesn’t, the same sluthead will use the same beep beep! at the lights to gently wake up the catatonic fuck in front of him who’s turning right. Sluthead  will do this even though he can’t see the CF in front of him is not moving because of something like, oh, oncoming traffic. CF doesn’t interpret the beep beep! as good-natured. He thinks that Sluthead is having an impatient go at him, so in return, he gives him the finger. Fuckwits collide! You see how poor communication can lead to people being bludgeoned to death at the side of the road with tyre irons?

 

Personally, I have no sympathy. I think every car should have a loaded gun in it and it should be legal to shoot to death anyone who uses their car horn ever. In the name of articulate communication I say death to horn users. The horn is a piece of cowardly, passive-aggressive bullshit and has been rendered completely ineffective through misuse.

 

beep beep!

 

DIE, FUCKBAG! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

Australia – Rule #1: Don’t Spill Ya Piss!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2008 by Buck Frain

 

When I was in college a couple of my dear friends made up a list of rules for life. Rule number one was Don’t spill ya piss! (For the international visitors: “piss” is a colloquial term for any alcoholic beverage). The other rules slip my mind, the important thing was that every odd rule was Don’t spill ya piss!

 

Today I read this article about a driver pulled over in the Northern Territory who allowed his five year old child to sit on the floor of his car whilst his precious, his carton of beer, was safely secured to the back seat with a seat belt, between two other seat-belted adults. What a complete wanker.

 

This is about as Aussie as you can get. The only real cultural identity we have, outside of an unhealthy obsession with sports, is a culture of binge drinking which places more value on alcohol than even the safety of our own children. I suppose it’s only fitting seeing as the first currency of colonised Australia was rum.

 

When people ask me why I’m not patriotic I tell them because most of the people in any country are complete fuckwits, Australia is no different and I can’t really get fired up to associate myself with fuckwits. Patriotism is an archaic pile of horseshit, it’s just another version of tribalism, sectarianism, or a whole bunch of other –isms that attempt to disguise a very base animal behaviour, the aim of which is to alienate and ultimately kill anything other. Fuckin’ stupid monkeys! The only benefit in pulling this guy over and stopping him from killing everyone in his car was the possibility he might have taken a useful citizen or two with him.

 

I love a drink, beer is a great friend of mine, but people like this cunt just make me wish for the stupid-bomb to hurry up and cleanse the world of this plague of fools. Bring on the idiot apocalypse! Die you useless fucks! Please just die!

Bad Drivers – Give Me A Sign!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 25, 2008 by Buck Frain

Bad drivers give me the absolute cunt. I love driving and I always have. I’m a good driver – still can’t say that without thinking of Rain Man – and it fucking kills me that so many people are fucking awful drivers.

Ooh, road rage, Buck? Very predictable, you’re the menace to society!

Fuck off, you shit-eating do-gooder! I’ve every right to be angry at bad driving. You’d be fucking angry if some mad person wandered through a shopping mall indiscriminately firing a gun, just randomly, for free. You’d be pissed off as hell, even if she was a really nice person and her husband was a dentist, you’d say Lock that mad bitch up! But, put the same dentist’s wife behind the wheel of, say a Ford Explorer, she’s talking on her phone, doing her make-up and disciplining her children in the back whilst piloting 2 tonnes of steel around at 60km/h and not really watching where she’s going. She won’t indicate because everyone gets out of her way anyway and cyclists are invisible to her. Can’t get angry with her! No way, she’s doing her best, calm down, take a chill pill. Fuck you! She’s murder waiting to happen, she’s the same mad bitch!

I don’t mean to demonise female drivers, it was only an example. Bad drivers come in all types across all demographics. Now I’m fired up, I don’t think I can tackle all of the bad driving thing in one post so today I’ll just focus on one element of bad driving – the misuse of indicators.

You’d imagine it’s pretty fuckin’ simple, wouldn’t you. You’ve got this lever on your steering column that controls lights on the outside of your vehicle that display to other road users your intended path. It’s easy, you did it in your driving test, but after that a bunch of people have forgotten completely. For a tutorial, if you need to brush up, go here. Please.

The most important thing is indicating BEFORE you turn or change lanes. There are so many fucking idiots out there that seem to think that better late than never has some relevance to indicating. They indicate to show you what they’ve already done. WAKE UP YOU USELESS FUCKTARD MEATBAGS! I CAN FUCKING SEE WHERE YOU ARE, YOU CUNT, I WANNA KNOW WHERE YOU’RE GOING SO I CAN STAY OUT OF YOUR CUNTING WAY!!!

Indicate, it’s in the word indicator. Indicate before you move, and if at all possible check mirrors and blind spots to ensure there’s no-one else already occupying the space that you intend to occupy. It’s not rocket science, it’s basic spatial awareness, a lack of which gives me the shits. Same principle as this.

Spatial awareness is knowing where you are in relationship to other objects in your surroundings and how that relationship will change in the near future as you and other objects around you change positions.

Then of course there’s the smart-arse fuckers who are way too important to bother using indicators at all. Why should they? They are the gods of the road, it’s their taxes that payed for the road so they go where-so-ever they please and don’t lower themselves to using the indicator lever. These are the real bastards. These fuckers, these WANKERS! They make me so fucking mad I want to shit my own pants, they weave everywhere braking nonsensically making driving a pure fucking hell. It’s like they want you to run into them. FUCKIN’ OVER-INSURED PRICKS, I’D KILL YOU IF I COULD AFFORD IT!

But you know that killing’s not really going to help. Education is the only answer. One day, it’s my greatest wish, that one day I’ll pull up behind one of these non-indicating arseholes at the lights, having put up with their smug refusal to consider other road users for several kilometres…

I’m calm. Professional. I step from my car, walk up to their driver’s window and tap gently on it, smiling benignly. I’m well-dressed and non-threateningly white, I say: Excuse me, I noticed back there… just low enough that he can’t hear all of what I’m saying as I point back down the road. 9 out of 10 would wind the window down, for sure. Quick as a flash, I reach in and snap his indicator lever from the steering column and brandishing it in his face, I scream into his window: SEEING AS YOU’RE NOT USING THIS, I’LL KEEP IT MY-FUCKING-SELF! IT’S AN INDICATOR, YOU CUNT!!!

I return to my vehicle and watch the offender kangaroo-hop away from the intersection, shell-shocked. I resume my journey with the wind in my hair and the radio blazing. Ha ha, fuckers!