Archive for Olympics

Paw Paw Pocket Protection.

Posted in Things Rank And Gross In Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2008 by Buck Frain

 So Nick D’arcy has been banned from the Beijing  Olympic Games once again. Thank fuck for that! The little fucker’s lucky his dad’s a fucking plastic surgeon or he wouldn’t be able to afford all the lawyers, and he’s appealing again. What do the poor violent athletes do? How do they cope? 

My joy at justice actually working was short-lived, however. I had a $2 bet with a co-worker that D’Arcy would be allowed to go. I was glad to lose the bet but I reached into my left trouser pocket where I keep my keys and coins and pulled out a handful of Oh fucking hell! Horror. Both mine and hers as I proffered a fist full of keys and coins clumped together thick with the lip-balm that had evidently suffered a packaging failure in the same pocket. Our eyes met and for a fraction of a second I think she actually believed I was being premeditatedly weird. I exited stage left to the bathroom with all appropriate haste and stealth. Please, don’t let The Wobblers see me with a fist full of lubricated keys!

 

In the bathroom I started using paper towel to soak up, wipe away the lip balm. Fuck! There was so much of it. One little tube of Lucas’ Paw Paw goes a fuck of a long way. After scraping all the excess grease of my hands, keys and change I had to wash them with soap to remove the rest of it. I recommend Lucas’ Paw Paw Ointment for its staying power. Three or four washes got them more or less clean, the keys still feel a little more moisturised than keys should. I looked in the mirror. Cunt, bollocks and shit! The pocket! I remembered I still had a pocket full of warm grease. I remembered it because I saw that it had fucking soaked through to make a vaguely cummy-looking grease stain on the front of my pants. I turned the pocket inside out and scraped as much lip balm as I could out of the fabric. The greasy stain I was stuck with. I couldn’t risk getting busted washing and drying my pants in the bathroom, not at work.

 

I returned to the phone room. I paid my debt with the cleanest coins seen outside the mint and went back to work. I’ve spent the rest of the day trying not to notice the faces of people as they notice my stain. Fuckin’ dirty pants-starers! Looks of disdain and disgust, I’m sure tales of my depravity and perversion will fill my foul workplace for months to come. IT’S NOT CUM, YOU FILTHY-MINDED BASTARDS!!! IT’S ON THE LEFT, HOW WOULD I CUM IN MY OWN POCKET??? IT’S LIP-BALM!!! IT FUCKIN’ BROKE OPEN IN MY CUNTING POCKET! YES, IT’S GROSS! I SHITTING WELL HATE IT TOO!!!

 

I should make clear this is not a sledge on a product and that I will continue to use the same lip-balm, it’s good. The truly fucking horrible  thought is that I might have to invest in a man bag to avert future such misadventures. A cunting man bag – ah, I might as well just cut off my own balls! It’s all cunts! I think I’m getting sick. I hate my life.

Nick D’Arcy – Ambassador For A Nation Of Convicts.

Posted in Boof-head Sporto Fuckwits with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2008 by Buck Frain

 

Fuckin’ sporto jockstrap boof-head wankers! In this country, they are a priviledged class that sits above the rest of us mere mortals purely because of a genetic predisposition to be good at sport. They get worshipped, pampered and paid exorbitant amounts for playing games. It may be heresy to say in sport-obsessed Australia but what they do is of NO benefit to society. I don’t really care about any of that, what really shits my bed is that the Australian public are happy for athletes to flout the law, behave like reprobates and still be held up in the international sphere as paragons of our society.

 

Nick D’Arcy, the swimmer charged with assault over breaking another athlete’s cheek, jaw and palate when drunk and full of himself, looks as though he’ll still be going to represent Australia at the Beijing Olympics. The AOC and The Court of Arbitration For Sport are tying themselves up in knots trying to find a decent justification for letting him go that won’t make them look like the supporters of criminal violence that they are. I was disgusted to read this piece of apologist bullshit in The Age, desperately trying to illicit sympathy for a man who should be in prison rather than being endorsed as a cultural ambassador of his country.

 

The AOC is obliged to consider the consequences for D’Arcy if he is booted out. Cyclist Jobie Dajka was kicked out of the Athens team in 2004 after lying to a drug inquiry. Three years of depression and alcoholism ensued, and a suspended jail term for an assault on a cycling coach. “I was drinking six litres of wine a day to numb the pain,” Dajka said last month.

 

What the fuck was that? If he’s punished he might become a sad, violent substance abuser? Big fucking deal! He’s already a violent substance abuser, the only difference is he might get sad. What? Don’t most criminals become depressed when punished for their offences? Is that because punishment is not nice? Why is it we don’t feel sorry for ordinary crims? Could it be because the lousy fucks aren’t any good at sport? Yeah, what fucking losers!

 

What the ball-chafing fuck is wrong with this country? It’s Newton’s Third Law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Just because sportspeople are too thick to be able to comprehend the consequences of their actions does not mean they should be exempt from those consequences. Yes, people fuck up. But the way people learn to not fuck up is through consequences. If a normal person gets drunk and smashes another person’s skull in a momentary fit of drunken rage, they go to prison. Any average crim would get laughed at if they said, Yeah, sorry I bashed him but can I still go to that sports carnival? The judge would say No, fucktard, you cannot. You can get a jolly good rogering from your cellmate for a couple of years while you learn to control yourself?

 

I’m well aware Nick D’Arcy probably feels pretty bad about what he’s done, as he fuckin’ well should, but I’d wager that most of why he feels bad is because he stands to lose something he cares about. Punishment has no meaning if it doesn’t hurt, so fuck him! 

 

The AOC needs to get its shit together and take a hard line on boof-head Nick D’Arcy. He’s a fucking criminal and, good athlete or not, he shouldn’t represent Australia in Beijing. If he does, we might as well teach our children to fight and tell them that bullying is fine if you’re good at sport. We might as well make certain our kids forget everything in their lives except sport because if you’re good at sport you can bash and rape your way through life with impunity. This is Australia. We’re convicts. Get fucked!!!


10 People I’d Love To Smash – #6

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2008 by Buck Frain

#6: Grant Hackett

Yes, Grant Hackett. Yes, the revered captain of the Australian Swimming Team. Yes, I’d love to smash him, the lanky, muesli-bar-selling ballbag.

I would have got to him sooner but I’ve been pissed off about more important stuff and to be honest most things are more important than swimming unless you’re actually in water which I’m not so get fucked.

I know most sports people are just fucking idiots who’ve exploited a genetic predisposition to be good at something, which is of no practical use to humanity, to make ridiculous amounts of money. Whilst Hackett isn’t as much of a boof-head or criminal as some of the others I’ve maligned, he does illustrate the fact that any social good inspired by sporting prowess or spirit is dead and all that remains is the business.

In many sports and in many countries the Olympic spirit still endures. That spirit of the amateur athlete, the person who has a regular life but then dedicates what’s left to excelling in a particular sporting discipline, who then comes to compete with other amateurs from around the world in the spirit of brotherhood and the safe knowledge that there are other things in life apart from sport. That shit’s dead in Australia. Cunts like Hackett aren’t amateurs. They live their sport 24 hours a day and make a killing off endorsements, they are professionals, and in a world of professionals generally the people with the most money win. So, here’s my bitch:

  • March 22nd – Hackett speaks out against a boycott of the Beijing games in protest of China’s actions in Tibet. Why? Because the boycotts in the 80’s didn’t do any good and sport’s not political. GET FUCKED! Protesting is about taking a political stance. Nobody protests anything because it’s good business or even necessarily because they think they can win. The guy in Tiananman Square faced off with a tank not because he thought he could beat it, but because he believed in a principle. Completely. Hackett wants to make some money and really doesn’t give a fuck who has to die so long as he gets his cash and glory. Of course sport’s political, everything is political. He just doesn’t want to miss his chance in the spotlight now that Ian Thorpe has got bored with the splashing around. Hackett sells us self-interest and says it’s OK to indirectly profit financially from cultural genocide. Great message!

  • March 31st – Hackett’s in the press again, this time saying what a pissing shame it would be for young boof-head Nick D’Arcy to be banned from competing in Beijing just because of an assault causing grievous bodily harm charge due to his beating former swimmer Simon Cowley to a bloody pulp in a bar brawl smashing half the bones in the guy’s face. Criminally violent much? I mean, what the fuck? Thank goodness D’Arcy has today been banned from competing in Beijing, I hope his appeal against the decision fails. Usually good athletes get rewarded for these sorts of indiscretions with second chances, taxpayer funded holidays and the adulation of the masses. Why? Because they can swim fast and that means something. Because sporting prowess is more important in this country than the law, morals, or human rights.

Our whole country needs to be bitch-slapped over this lack of perspective, but for now: fuck Grant Hackett, for being the spokeperson for yet another campaign of denial and malignant stupidity. He needs his head slammed in a car door 40 or 50 times, Vinnie Jones style.