Archive for News

Fuck Christmas

Posted in Rage Against The Machine with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2014 by Buck Frain

lp

Christmas 2014 is shaping up to be the most miserable in living memory for Australia. An increasing number of Australians are taking to the streets in T-shirts declaring that they will not be celebrating Christmas at all this year as they’re saving all their party stuff until Prime Minister Tony Abbott dies.

Hatred for the PM has reached fever pitch in many parts of the country, and without a productive outlet for the rage, people are increasingly turning on the institution of Christmas as a focus for their anger. Frank Jelbart, 87, of Coonamble NSW said: “What kind of country are they running here anyway, where a fine young lad like Philip Hughes is struck down playing cricket for God’s sake and a snake like Abbott destroys the country and walks around breathing the air that mates of mine died for. Christmas be fucked this year, I’m just going to take out the 12 gauge and shoot holes in some road signs.”

Vicky Pettigrew, 44, of Happy Valley SA said: “Tony Abbott has ruined Christmas in our house this year. We get a tree each year but neither my husband, Darren, or I can even look at a Christmas tree now without imagining it on fire and stabbed right down that creepy lizard[Abbott]’s Jap-eye.” Mrs. Pettigrew, well-intentioned but a bit of a casual racist, told how the family had tried to persevere with the Christmas spirit until the couple’s thirteen year old son had replaced the traditional fairy atop the tree with a paper cut-out of the Prime Minister. “I think Ethan he thought it was funny or something but when Darren saw it he went berserk. He just dragged the whole tree out into the yard, decorations and all, doused it with two-stroke fuel and set it ablaze. He said no-one in our house would be having any fun until he [Abbott] dies.”

Similar scenes are playing out all over the country. In Mulgrave Vic, Trevor Farnsworth, 53, said the only thing he would be doing this Christmas was taking a hammer and knocking the handles off all of his 82 sporting trophies attained over 35 years of competing in a range of sports. “It’s been my life”, he wept, “but now they all just remind me of that dirty, big-eared cunt. Why can’t someone just fuckin’ kill him?”

You would be mistaken to think that the discontent stops at our sovereign borders though, interviewed at his well-hidden North Pole factory this week, the usually-jolly Santa Claus let fly about the Australian PM when asked about the down-turn in festive participation this season. “Tony Abbott is cancer in Speedos, he can get fucked! I’m not even going to Australia this year. I’m sorry kids but you can just fuck right off as long as that prick’s breathing. I’m serious! Cunt [Abbott] wants to pretend global warming doesn’t exist? I live in the fucking North Pole, bitches! Do you know how much I’ve had to spend on foundation re-flotation and sea-floor mooring just so the factory doesn’t sink into the fucking Arctic Ocean? It’s like Venice-On-Ice up here – it’s fucking bullshit – and that filthy weasel shit-fuck [Abbott] spends most of his time gobbing off Big Mining like coal’s a good fucking idea. No surprise that Tony Abbott’s death is Australia’s second most wished-for Christmas item this year, but I’ll tell you now: if you want him dead you’re going to have to do it your lazy fucking selves. I wouldn’t let Rudolph piss on that beef-jerky-looking bastard if he was on fire.

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With the big man in red seeing red, our intrepid reporter wasn’t game to ask what the number one most wished for Christmas item was from Australia, although my money’s on having a truck-load of pineapples smashed up Scott Morrison’s arse with a sledgehammer. Whatever it is, there’s no doubt that we’ve lost our way with Christmas. Sure as cunts I can’t buggered with it! Like the kids are saying: Fuck Christmas – I’m saving all my party stuff ‘til Tony Abbott dies.

Victorian Police Officer Caught Dancing At Murder Scene

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2011 by Buck Frain

The Victoria Police is embroiled in scandal today as journalists captured photographs of a female officer apparently doing a ‘ribbon dance’ with police tape while cordoning off a murder scene in Bendigo.

The close community, already shaken by such a violent crime, has reacted strongly against what it perceives as disrespectful and grossly unprofessional behaviour.

A source outside the newsagency at the time said: “It was unbelievable. It was such a sombre scene and she just breaks into some sort of rhythmic gymnastics routine. A couple of people giggled and that seemed to spur her on, she was getting right into it. I just thought it was completely out of order.”

The dancing officer was allegedly pulled into line by a colleague who ushered her away from the media and assembled public, some quite disturbed by her antics in a scene that threatened to turn very ugly.

“Someone’s been murdered, for f___’s sake, have some respect.”, shouted an onlooker.

The outraged Bendigo community wants an explanation. Victoria Police has declined to comment on the matter pending further investigation.

Packed To The Rafters With Gormlessness!

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2010 by Buck Frain

A top psychologist has come out to warn fucking idiots obsessed with a piece-of-shit TV show that the death of a fictional character may cause them to feel an emotion. A major news outlet scrambled to alert an apathetic and increasingly gorm-deficient populace to this inconsequential drivel in the hope they could avoid having to report any of the significant events or issues that might warrant genuine social consideration.

If people start feeling emotions about things that aren’t real, they reasoned, it’s a real possibility that they may one day experience an emotion about something that is real. If this happened, then it’s down the slippery slope to people forming considered opinions about the world they live in and even taking actions towards making it a better place. This sort of thing could seriously threaten big business.

Fuck you, Australia, for taking it! Fuck you, Channel 7, for producing the flyblown arse that is Packed to the Rafters! Fuck you again for trying to disguise blatant plugs for your own TV show as legitimate news! – Yes, they seriously tried to pass plot plugs for the show as genuine news that implied that an actor had died! – And fuck you to the psychologist, Dr. Jan Hall, who thinks that experiencing emotions is something that the public need to be warned about! Are you fucking serious? I mean, are we as a society so alienated from our emotions that we need a public warning about the catastrophic grief we may experience at the loss of a fictional character on a TV show? Get fucked!

“Tell yourself it’s only a TV show, exercise to release the ‘happy drugs’ in your body, or watch a soppy DVD that makes you have a good cry,” she said.

Fuck the fucking fuck right off! Seriously, Dr Hall, do you actually think that people have forgotten the purposes and possible effects of drama? People empathising with fictional characters and experiencing emotions as a result of fictional events? What the cunting shit do you think has been going on for the last 2000 years? Theatre and catharsis – ring any bells? You fucking stupid cunt! JUST FUCKING DIE!!!

A massive FUCK YOU has to go out to The Herald Sun for giving any of this even the slightest consideration. YOUR ORGANISATION SHOULD BE OBLITERATED FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE NATIONAL INTELLECT!!!

By the way, the two million people who watch that excremental suburban banality should be set on fire for their lack of imagination or taste. Gormless fucks! I’m serious, I fucking hate you all!

The Truth About Sex Addiction.

Posted in Random Shit That Gives Me The Cunt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 31, 2010 by Buck Frain

So, I finally awoke from my annual turkey-induced Christmas coma to find that my dreams had been shattered. Fuck you very much, God, you fictional fuck! Disillusionment will be the constant companion of the idealist and the romantic and the sad fucking truth of 2010 is that, contrary to my last post, Tiger Woods did not escape for an unapologetic, cashed-up, blokey booze cruise. No! Like a pussy-whipped billionaire soft-cock he checked himself into REHAB for his SEX ADDICTION!!! 

All I can say is FUCK YOU TIGER WOODS YOU PISS-WEAK CUNT!!! I’m sorry folks, sex addiction is not real. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and the The Tooth Fairy might be for all I know but I’ll tell you 100% sex addiction is a crock of bullshit cooked up three groups of people:

  1. Tight-arse-rich-bastards-sans-integrity trying to minimise the damage of an otherwise costly divorce,
  2. No-sex-getting-loser-douche-bags jealous of the amount of sex other people are getting, and:
  3. Right-wing-churchy-extremists who’d rather everyone think of sexuality as a disease and spend their money in church instead of on good times. 

Don’t believe me, you moaning fucks? Well here’s the real deal: 

  1. We are animals! I know what the book of genesis says but just shove that pile of shit up your arse for one second and look at the less self-aggrandising truth for one cunting moment. We. ARE. Animals. Yes, we’ve got some pretty cool tricks we can do but we are just the latest model chimpanzee.
  2. We are governed by the same rules as all other animals. What this means to the uninitiated is that like any other animal (or plant or fungus for that matter), like any other living thing, our sole purpose for being is to reproduce and pass on our genetic material to another generation. Dress it up anyway you want and take it to church on weekends if it makes you feel better but that is really it. Money? Means to an end! Fame? Means to an end! Lots of degress? Nice house in the suburbs? Playing in a rock band? Virtuous lifestyle helping others? All of them means to the same end – reproduction. Most people mistake this primal drive for a way-more-cool-and-non-freedom-threatening desire for sex but this is just humans over-thinking our own biology and fooling ourselves into believing there’s something more sophisticated going on. There isn’t!
  3. You cannot be ADDICTED to your primary function as a being. You might be able to be addicted to, and even cured of addiction to, a wide variety of things, however, you can’t be cured of being what you are except, that is, by death. 

Sex addiction by definition is completely absurd. Men fuck. It’s the only function we were ever specifically designed to perform. Sucktittygrowfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckdie. That’s the male’s life, the rest is just set dressing – yes, girls, it is that simple and any man who tells you there’s more to it is probably trying to fuck you. I acknowledge that the female life is a little more complex and I certainly won’t presume to sum it up in one sentence, especially seeing as I have my own reason for living to try and protect. 

I’m not saying I don’t believe in love and I’m not saying I don’t believe in marriage or society, however, we need to acknowledge that at least the last two of these are artificial, human constructs. They are flawed and fitting our animal selves into their intellectual sterility seamlessly may require a few more millennia of evolution and/or a rethink of the constructs themselves. In the meantime if, like Tiger, David Duchovny, Michael Douglas and a host of rich-liars-who-can’t-keep-their-dicks-out-of-women-they’re-not-married-to, you have problems with fidelity here are your options: accept it and pay the price …or… stop. There’s no need for a fucking intervention, no need for rehab or therapy, it’s pretty fucking easy, it’s totally fucking binary, fuck whoever you want and deal with the consequences or just fuck who you’re supposed to. The whole notion of addiction here is ridiculous. The only purpose this stupid charade serves is to save money in the divorce settlement by pretending you’re some kind of victim. 

Oh, Your Honour, have pity on me. I just can’t stop fucking all these beautiful women…have mercy on me, I’m the victim here…I just have to have the supermodel threeways…I’m cursed! 

Don’t brag in my court, fucko! Pay the lady for the betrayal and humiliation! 

I am disappointed for men that this is happening. It’s just imasculating for us as a gender. Tiger Woods and all his sex-addicted mates need to man-up and admit it. Yep, sorry baby, I been doin’ a fuckload of fucking. You wanna forgive me in the hope I’ll change  or…would you like to take the cash?

Sure they’d lose a bit of money but they can fucking afford it and what they’re losing in order to save a paltry couple of hundred million dollars is far more precious – manhood. They’re chopping down the proud upstanding cock of their own manhoods in the name of saving money they don’t need. It is so pitifully fucked I’d rather see them euthanased than reduced to such miserable excuses for men! 

If Tiger Woods can’t survive on half a billion dollars and still smile I question whether, despite all the fucking, he really has any balls at all.

Get Some Privacy For Christmas!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by Buck Frain

With his marriage in tatters, a gaggle of money-grubbing slappers circling for their 15-nano-seconds-of-fame-with-accompanying-media-stipend and sponsors running for the hills because they can’t see the Woods for the sleaze, golfing titan Tiger Woods is heading for the high seas. And who the fuck can blame him? Not me, Jim-lad, that’s for cunting sure! 

I’ve been watching this media car crash for the last couple of weeks and I have silently listened to all the banal water-cooler conversations about how his wife should take him to the cleaners; his sponsors should all ditch him; how he shouldn’t be allowed to play golf because he’s such an evil human being and how surprising it all is seeing as he never looked like one of those guys who does that sort of thing

What sort of thing? Fucking? OK so rich, attractive, athlete at the top of his game, the best in his field in the entire world? And he’s fucking a lot? Whoa! How could this possibly happen? 

Jesus fucking Christ! I feel like I’m losing my mind! WHO THE FUCK CARES??? I know I regularly rip shit out of  sportos for being reprehensible pieces of shit but this is different. He has broken no law. The girls were all legal and consenting. For me this is pretty fucking simple – LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE! He may be a crap husband but really that’s between him and his wife. Public figure or not, I don’t give a shit, it’s no other motherfucker’s business and no-one else in the entire world has any right to feel one way or the other about it SO JUST SHUT YOUR STINKING HOLES AND FUCKING DIE!!! 

I feel for Tiger and I don’t know what’s worse, realising that when you’re rich everyone sees you as nothing more than a meal ticket, having your mum tell the tabloids she’s angry and devastated by what’s going on in/out of your marriage or having a notorious wanker like Boris Becker come in faux support of you. Fuck all that for a game of soldiers! I reckon Tiger’s got the right idea – load the boat full of booze, grab a few  mates and get the shit out of there. Maybe go to the Bahamas or anywhere you can get enormous drinks with umbrellas and fruit sticking out of them and ridiculously big joints, somewhere people are living their lives enough that they’ll leave you alone to do the cunting same.

 

I’m just glad that the PGA Tour still saw fit to award him Player Of The Year. Ah, who the fuck else would they give it to? He even plays a mean game of golf! Merry Christmas Tiger Woods!

 

Merry Christmas to the rest of you as well…except the cunts out there I don’t like – FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I’m putting snow on my blog. I don’t know why, it’ll probably shit people off but fuck it, it’ll be gone soon and Australia’s fucking hot over Christmas so I need all the cool I can get.

Water On The Motherfucking Moon!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2009 by Buck Frain

water_moon

With almost 100 Angry Place posts up and on the cusp of 100,000 hits, I interrupt the normal flow of meaningless drivel about celebrity pet diets and bizarre sexual fetishes of the rich and famous to bring you this exciting news: There’s water on the motherfucking Moon, bitches! Yep, that’s right, actual, physical Earth-style fucking water, right up there on the fuck-me-dead-it’s-not-really-made-of-cheese Moon. Those super-smart motherfuckers at NASA took a big ol’ gamble with an arseload of public money and crashed a spacecraft into The Moon. Right the fuck into it!  – gotta be the first time the cunts can celebrate a crash – They collected some of the debris and proved once and for all there is water on The Moon. FUCKING WOW!!!… But…actually, what does this mean?

One school of thought suggests that it means we can set up a long-term base on the moon – presumably for astronauts to twat about taking really cool photos of Earth rising and setting before one or more of them goes bat-shit crazy from cabin fever and murders everyone else on the base – because all you really need is an abundance of water, a digital camera and of course a webcam to chart your mental decline. Amazingly, there’s no shortage of lonely scientists already signing up for that mission.

Another school of thought has it that when we’ve completely trashed the Earth – and we’re nearly there – we can all colonise The Moon for a few tens of thousands of years or until it all grows back. Obviously, this is a genius plan because The Moon is a total shit-pile so we can’t possibly make it any worse than it is already. Unfortunately, it’s an idea that’s in complete denial of our basic nature. It relies on our species being able to co-operate, not kill each other and live within our limited means in an unbelievably hostile and ultra-spartan environment. Personally, I can’t see it happening. As a species humans suck the bag. We breed, consume and pollute without giving it any more thought than protozoa does, and living on a shit-pile like The Moon isn’t going to improve our basic nature one iota. 

Of course, any hope of even that slim avenue of salvation will disappear if NASA don’t get armed people up there fucking pronto because now there’s a space race on between the Evian and Perrier companies to see who can be the first to secure and market the most exclusive and expensive bottled water in the known universe. Get a military presence on the Moon. IMMEDIATELY!!!

perrier_moon_water

If you can afford to drink water imported from the moon, writing your name on a hot chick’s arse has to be a piece of piss!

On Filming The Ginger Minge Of Hate.

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2009 by Buck Frain

 

Every so often an idea comes along that is so comprehensively stupid one has to consider moving to a country where it’s easier to buy firearms. I was reading this article about idea-starved, fuckstick filmmakers Leanne Tonkes and Steve Kearney who have apparently managed to weasel over $110,000 of government funding to develop a biopic on the life of Pauline Hanson.

 

What the fuck???

 

For those of you who don’t live in Australia or remember, Pauline Hanson is a national joke that people stopped laughing at the better part of a decade ago. In the mid 90s she rose to notoriety for being an ignorant, bitter old racist fish and chip shop owner who decided to stop selling heart disease to the bogan masses of Ipswich in favour of peddling xenophobia and right-wing reactionary hate as a politician. And didn’t the rednecks love her? Half of Queensland wanted her cannonised and the other half just wanted to fuck her – sick bastards! Either way it was good business at the polls and conservative politicians all over the country got very nervous. But she was complete bollocks and after a few years everyone got sick of her crap and she disappeared in disgrace with a fraud conviction and a stint in jail. Nowadays, she’s a minor celebrity and was most recently seen on Dancing With The Stars, methinks probably because most stars thought it was a fucked show and producers needed to make up the numbers somehow.

pauline2 

Who the dead-cat-up-the-arse thought making a film out of this was a good idea? Who the have-a-shit-right-on-me-Jesus gives money to fuckwits pitching bullshit like this? Film Victoria, that’s who. That’s right, the state government funding body set-up to squander public money on film projects with absolutely no commercial or artistic merit and undermine an already crippled film industry. But fuck, what do I know? Maybe it’s a great idea. I mean they made successful films about Nixon, JFK and Ghandi so why not? But, oh yeah, they did stuff. They had an impact on the world they lived in. They weren’t DEADBEAT, BIGOTTED, BLOODNUT BITCHES, WERE THEY??? NO, THEY CUNTING WELL WEREN’T!!! I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE A FUCKING FILM ABOUT MY BOGAN FUCKING NEIGHBOUR – HE’S A REAL CUNT AS WELL!!!

 

It’s OK, I’m calm. So. Things the panel at Film Victoria should have discussed or at least thought about that may have helped them realise they were feeding a turkey.

 

  • What is the fucking genre? It doesn’t have enough pathos to be drama, it’s too lame to be comedy, it sure ain’t a western, there are no thrills, no sci-fi, maybe a bit of horror if you’re lucky, let’s hope to Christ it’s not porn – ew! Who the shit wants to see some poor prick banging away at the ginger minge of hate? No, it’s a biopic – the least cinematically interesting type of film you can make, so, artistically you’re fucked from the outset.
  • The biopic can only be commercially successful if there are people who are interested in the central character’s life and that can afford cinema tickets, so commercially you’re fucked as well.
  • Pauline Hanson is a mean-spirited offensive cunt and a purveyor of ignorance who has never had anything to say and has failed at pretty much everything she’s ever attempted. Why would anyone care to pay money to watch a film about her?
  • Who is the target audience? Foreign audiences aren’t going to pay to watch this shit and Australian audiences generally despise Australian films unless they’ve won significant critical acclaim or better: foreign approval first…and even then they’ll probably wait for it to come out on DVD then borrow it off their movie-buff mate and use it as a coaster. The only people who will pay to watch this dross are the middle-aged rednecks with a medically enhanced stiffy for Pauline Hanson and you’ll be fucked if you think there are enough of those old cunts to put the film into the black.

 

I think Film Victoria have been sucked in by the producers’ claims to have been in touch with superstar Cate Blanchett about the role. Let’s face it, people will pay good money to watch anything with a star of Blanchett’s magnitude in it. But let’s look carefully at what they say:

 

“She’s very busy,” Kearney admits. “It really depends if we deliver a script she likes.”

 

Now, I don’t know Cate Blanchett, but think about this just a little bit. Apart from being one of the greatest actors on the world Cate Blanchett is polite. She’s not me, if you came to me with an idea like this I’d tell you to go fuck your mother and threaten to kill your pets if you ever darkened my doorstep again. She’s very busy. It really depends if we deliver a script she likes. Which if she’s seen it she obviously doesn’t yet and if she hasn’t it just means you turd-polishing fucks will have to make something really fucking amazing. Maybe NOT a crappy biopic about a non-entity. Get the hint, fuckheads, she hates the idea! Maybe if you decided to make a film about something a bit less SHIT you might have some luck.

 

Hmm…maybe, but the poor cunts wouldn’t get any funding from Film Victoria then, would they?