Archive for Makeover

You’re fuckin’ ORANGE, cockface!

Posted in Wankers In Denial with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 22, 2008 by Buck Frain

I’ve been seeing them everywhere today. I don’t know whether it’s the sudden cooler weather that makes them yearn for the illusion of summer, or whether I’ve just been oblivious of late, but they’re back – the orange people. Not the cult, I mean the fake tan fuck-wits.

 

They’re easier to spot than toupees, for fuck’s sake. It’s mostly women but occasionally you see an orange man, usually a metro-gym-junkie. Fake tan! What the dick-cheese-sandwich are you thinking? Are you colour blind? You are bright orange. Your fucking skin is orange. People aren’t naturally orange, of all the many beautiful colours people come in orange is not one. Orange screams fake. It howls at the top of its lungs to everyone with sight: Look at me, I’m a pasty white fuck-waste who’s ridiculously self-conscious about my skin colour and has absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever. I’m shit! Throw rocks at me! STAB ME!! I’M FUCKED!!!

 

I fucking hate it. It’s absurd, and they just act like they just got back from Bali and no-one realises that it’s not real, even when they’re wearing a sleeveless top and the orange has sweated off to reveal white armpits. Orange is a fruit. FUCKING HAVE A LOOK AT YOURSELF!!! It’s just fuckin’ stupid, it looks like orange dirt. Go home, scrub yourself clean, put on some decent boots, kick the living shit out of yourself and repeat 100 times Everyone knows I’m not really orange.