Archive for Internet

NO NO NO NO NO!!!

Posted in Things Rank And Gross In Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2009 by Buck Frain

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

 puzzlebox

People are twisted and people are stupid and some people are just completely fucked. Kes, you bastard, you sent me a truly horrible link. I have no words other than NO! I am really regretting my own curiosity, I feel very unwell. The internet is a stupid, ugly place filled with puerile depravity.

 

If someone presented you with a Hellraiser puzzle box, would you try to solve it?  This link recently sent to me by a complete bastard, is just such a thing, except you don’t need any puzzle-solving abilities. If you haven’t heard about jarsquatter, be warned – IT IS FUCKING WRONG! YOU WILL NOT LIKE IT! I DO NOT LIKE IT! IF YOU CLICK THE LINK AND DON’T LIKE IT, DON’T BLAME ME BECAUSE I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU IT’S VERY, VERY NASTY!

 

So why did I post it then? I don’t know…

  1. I haven’t had much time so it’s been a while since I wrote anything
  2. Seeing this really fucked up my calm today
  3. I’m a cunt and thought I’d share my nausea.

Have a nice day!

Desperately Seeking Cunty Fuck Fuck.

Posted in Tourist Attractions That Suck with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2008 by Buck Frain


I usually steer away from talking about my blog. It’s pretentious and self-referential and it breaks my fourth wall, revealing me as just another lonely twat with a nerd-box typing unread nothings into the ether of cyberspace in a vain attempt to stave off the suicidal meaninglessness of existence in an emotionally and morally bankrupt empire-in-decline at the twilight of my species.

 

Morning, bitches, how are YOU feeling today?

 

Enough self-pity – it’s winter and I’m sick a-cunting-gain so get fucked!

 

I’ve been stewing on this for a while but seeing as I’ve now had over 25,000 page views I figured I should share some of this stuff with you – the readers who made it happen. For those of you not from here, wordpress is a wonderful place and provides me with all sorts of interesting tools to see where my traffic is coming from. Sounds exciting, huh? I say traffic and you imagine lanes and lanes of speeding vehicles glinting in the sunlight as they cruise sleekly up information super-highways on their way to infinity but that’s not quite what it’s like, you should probably picture the occasional lonely, dented, curb-crawling sedan coughing its way around a dimly lit cul-de-sac before being chased away by armed, angry crack-whore-trannies – it’s closer to the truth.

 

However, returning to my point, I did have one, it wasn’t just the cold and flu tablets speaking – How people find me – I’m constantly amazed by the terms people type into search engines that lead them to me. It’s become something of an obsession now because so many of them either freak me out or make me laugh. I’ve no idea how search engines work but I get a real kick out of this so here’s some of my faves: 

 

  •  Kyle Sandilands is a cunt – yes he is. This fills me with joy every time it comes up, which is quite often.
  • Wank me, mum – oh dear. This wasn’t what you were looking for at all, was it? Did you zip the pants back up and read on or did you leave and go somewhere else? 
  • Pounding freak hardcore – Hmm…another disappointment, I fear. 
  • Sluthead – Brilliant! I never knew anyone other than my brother ever used this word.
  • Cut Scrotum – If you’ve cut the bag, what the cunt are you doing Googling it? Did I help or did you bleed out under yopur computer desk? Fuck it! Dial 000, people!
  • Fellatiophobia – I thought I invented that word but it’s out there. Is it a real phobia? I’ve no idea. Genius!
  • Cunty fuck fuck – I have no idea what prompts this as a search term but it is absolutely brilliant. I love that someone found me using this. What were you looking for? Were you disappointed? Did you ever return? I would love to hear the story of how cunty fuck fuck came to be typed into a search engine.

 

I feel I’ve firmly carved out a niche for myself at the bottom of that barrel that is the internet. If you type something dodgy into a search engine, sooner or later you’ll find me. This makes me happy. It’s where I belong. Whether you came here looking for a crafty 3G phone-wank or because you enjoy a good bitch about the injustices and annoyances of the world I welcome you. I hope you enjoy your stay, feel free to invite your friends. To the people who think I’m some kind of sicko, psycho and/or a menace to society: I laugh at your sad existence and hope someone shits in your letterbox.

How To Lose Friends & Gross The Fuck Out Of People.

Posted in Things Rank And Gross In Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 12, 2008 by Buck Frain

Am I just old? Am I repressed? Am I a prude? I wouldn’t have thought so, but I have been forced to reconsider. Like most people in the world who aren’t being starved to death by western capitalism, I have a Facebook page, and surprising as it may seem, I have friends. Well…I have people who have added me as “friends” and that’s really what it’s all about – the appearance of popularity.

The problem I’ve always found with social groups of any sort is there are people who are your friends, and then there are people who you’re just supposed to accept because they have some space-time connection to the group. They don’t necessarily fit, and they may give everyone the right royal shits but for some reason no-one has the heart to fuck them off. Note well: If your social group doesn’t have a crap friend like this, have a good think because that crap friend may just be you.

Normally groups find ways of containing the unpleasant or embarrassing behaviour of crap friends Shutup Shon! Don’t worry, he’s OK, he’s just a bit of a tool.  But Facebook removes that ability to contain. It allows crap friends free reign to publish their inappropriateness to your whole social network. It allows the crapness to spew forth like a geyser of well…look up tubgirl if you really want to know. Actually, don’t.

I’ll get to the point. I logged into my profile for the first time in a couple of weeks and was shocked to find one of my brother’s crap friends had sent me a big picture of goatse. I wasn’t familiar with goatse and for those of you who also haven’t experienced it, in the name of taming it down, here’s a jack-a-lantern depiction of it.

Let me tell you, I’m not easily unsettled but goatse is fucking gross. But that wasn’t really what shat me. What really fucked me off was that for a week my real friends had been confronted with a hideous goatse on my page that had not been removed…for a week, therefore lending credence to the notion that I found it funny or acceptable or that it was in some sense my taste. I mean, fuck! People I work with, people I respect are checking my profile and one lowbrow fucker I added out of guilt is fucking my relationships up because he has no sense of the appropriate and has no internal censor. Inappropriate shit should be at least contained to personal emails, not broadcast to everyone you know.

So, before I have my entire social life undermined by one sick bastard, I’m getting honest. I’m doing some Facebook pruning and I urge you to do the same. Anyone who offends me or who I don’t genuinely like is going. That’s it, you’re out, get fucked! If you’re more of a liability than an asset, fuck off! It sounds mercenary, nasty and intolerant but I don’t give a fuck. If I embarrass myself that’s one thing, I’ll even cope with friends embarrassing me, but when some random shitstick vandalises my social page with grotesque fetishist wankery it’s time to cut the ties. NO MORE FACEBOOK GUILT FRIENDS!!! Fuck you, crap friends!

How To Get 1 Million Hits On Your Blog!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2008 by Buck Frain

The World Is Yours.

Getting one million hits on anything on the internet is fucking easy and if you can’t do it you’re fucking idiot and you should consider having yourself euthanased. Just ask me, I’ve never done it! On the upside I’m not asking you for any money and you’re already here so you might as well hear me out. 

The internet, just like the real world, is full mostly of complete cretins. Brainless fucksticks with about as much imagination as your average carrot. It’s at this point, I’d usually cut sick at the stupidity of humankind for another paragraph or so, but for what we’re doing today human stupidity is a good thing, and you want your million hits so I’ll try to stay on track. 

The way to get hits is to have text in your site that people search for using search engines. The more people search for specific phrases that appear in your site, the more hits you get. Now, you could subscribe to numerous sites or download all sorts of fancy applications that measure search engine traffic in order to find what’s hot right now and help you choose a niche that you can exploit for whatever it is that rubs your rhubarb. Rather than list any of those applications here, I’ll just say: Don’t fuckin’ waste your money! The internet is simple and people are shit. People are online for three main reasons and these never change:

  • Porn
  • Cash
  • Salvation

Dating is also pretty big, but pointless for us, and then way down the list there’s also people doing genuine research or looking for actual information. These people are pretty useless for our purposes because they’re smart and interested in too wide a variety of subject matters, also, we’re really here to get hits, yeah? Fuckin’ yeah! So let’s stick with the three. 

For porn sites you need text like: 

Free XXX, big tits, hardcore fucking, free teen cum sluts, amateur porn pics, lesbian college party, fat hairy bitches, massive cock gallery, tit-fuck, donkey-punch creampie, dirty rim-job, fisting the dentist, gobbing the teacher, anal probe alien, fuck-monkey latinas, asian ping pong pussy, pissing on cops.

Of course if you ad some pictures or videos, some people might come back especially if they’re porn pictures and videos. 

For Cash sites you need text like: 

Free home business, make cash from home, free start-up, make a fortune online, $100,000 per month guaranteed, best online business, retire in one year, lucrative investment opportunity, be your own boss, be a millionaire, earn millions, chance of a lifetime, fully-automated business, no work – huge rewards, have a shit on your boss.

Again the text is all you really need to get the hits but if you want to branch out into actually turning those hits into money, you’ll need to offer some sort of publication and charge for it. The idea isn’t to provide anyone with anything that earns them money, it’s about stringing them along with a sniff of earning potential, getting them to sign up for a zine that has all the answers for a nominal fee like $50 that you’ll refund if it doesn’t work in three months. The zine has to offer vague hints, links and pointers to things they have to buy and lots of encouragement because people who go for this shit are desperate and fragile and need lots of reassurance. This also stops them from giving up and asking for a refund for the first 3 months. You can send them emails containing new links to bullshit products every few days to keep tham thinking they’re getting business coaching. You don’t have to worry about whether it works or not, most people will realise they can’t be bothered trying your ideas so they’ll give up. Yay, free cash for you! Those who do try it may have some degree success which means you win again, and those who try it, fuck it up and want refunds – well, fuck them! 

The salvation sites need text like: 

Fuck this shit, who can be bothered? I mean, you get the idea, don’t you? Blah blah blah. Really, why even bother with the salvation sites, porn and cash are what most people want so stick to that. I just put salvation in because three options look better than two, so find your own fuckin’ words, you lazy cunt! I mean, maybe I’d give you salvation if I was getting something out of it but I’m not and I’m in a pretty bad mood anyway so you should just be happy I’ve been as generous as I have. 

So that’s it! That’s your lesson on how to get 1 million hits on your blog or whatever the fuck else you feel like putting up on the internet. Getting hits is all about bullshit, cheap tricks and usually involves annoying the piss out of everyone you know until they hate you. So in that spirit I’ll ask a favour. No, there’s no such thing as a free lunch, are you really that naïve? I’ll ask that you copy the address of this page and send it in an email to everyone you know, paste a link to it into your Facebook, Myspace or any other webpage you have access to, and tell them all this is the most important thing they’ll read this year and even though you don’t normally pass these sorts of things on, you felt compelled to share this gem with them. Why? Because I want a million hits too, I too am a big sold-out bitch who yearns for the adulation of complete strangers, so do the right thing and don’t let the Buck stop here, pass it on! 

Thanks!

 

Damn! You fuckers will read anything!