Archive for Hygiene

Avian Swine Flu Pandemic Berserker.

Posted in Tales From Hell with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2009 by Buck Frain

SWINE_FLU_WARNING

Swine flu! Fucking swine flu! We’re all going to die! Fuck, let’s all run around like stupid ill-informed fucktards until we drop dead from exhaustion or get murdered by someone sick to their back teeth with our mindless hysteria!

It seems the whole cunting world has lost its shit over the latest style of cold. Last year it was bird flu. Everyone was pissing themselves that bird flu was going to destroy the world. What happened? Fuck all. This year it’s swine flu. At my workplace we all got a patronising fucking email from HR last week telling us all to be vigilant about hygiene in view of the threat of the swine flu pandemic, to use tissues when touching door knobs and never to put our hands near our faces because that’s how germs are spread. Then today I come to work to discover that anti-bacterial handwash dispensers have been installed all over the fucking place. Yes, I’m fucking serious! For cunt’s shitting sake! There’s only been one reported case of swine flu in the whole of Australia and even worldwide the disease, generally speaking, just makes people a bit sick. Naturally the media are going to beat it up into the biggest thing in since sliced bread but anyone with half a brain knows it’s all a pile of horseshit. Add to that, that swine flu is a virus not bacterial so the logic behind installing anti-bacterial goo dispensers becomes even more obscure. 

The people in this building are fucking idiots. Panic over a disease that one person in Australia might have, wash your hands ‘til the skin drops off…but then stuff your obese pie hole with Krispy Kreme and McDonald’s – but it gives me comfort – Fuck yeah, fear the swine flu! Fuck knows, heart disease never killed anyone did it ya fat cunts? You’re gonna die of pig’s arse not pig’s fucking flu. I fucking well despair at the lack of perspective, the blind fear and the wanton stupidity. 

The human race is a blight on the face of the Earth. I watched that tossy remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still last night and I have to side with Klaatu on this…well…before his superior intelligence gave way to emasculated sentimental fuckheadedness and he left the whole planet to be destroyed by people because we’re vulnerable and occasionally nice to each other. What the shit??? 

Fuck everybody, I say! Bring on the swine flu pandemic. May it mutate with avian flu and create a berserker-super-virus that dessimates the human population and leaves us cowed and beaten, fighting for survival against mutant flying pigs. I’d be prepared to die for the cause just so long as a good 5 billion or so useless cretins bite the dust with me. The planet is grotesquely over-populated and the human race is too selfish, infantile and stupid to ever make the necessary decisions to save it. We need an apocalyptic catastrophe to make what remains of humanity consider changing the way they do things. Nothing short of near-annihilation will get the message through, we’re just not smart enough for subtle hints. Stupid fucking monkeys! Survival of the fattest is not sustainable, it never fucking was. Bring on epic Darwinian cruelty! The dinosaurs had their time and we’ve had ours. Hell, if any of us survive we can use the dead as fertilizer and replant the bloody planet! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHH!!!

Mobile Porn Library – Wank on-the-go!

Posted in Things Rank And Gross In Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2008 by Buck Frain

Let me say straight off the bat, pardon the imagery, that I don’t have a problem with masturbation. It’s fine – it’s natural, fun, therapeutic and usually doesn’t hurt anyone else. But seriously, the world is going to hell and it would seem we’re turning into a nation of dull-eyed, brainless, chronic masturbators – it’s just not healthy. Don’t believe me?

What the wank-obsessed fuck is going on with late night TV? Have-a-wank ads have been around for ages. Ten years ago in between bullshit late night infomercials like Kevin Trudeau’s Mega Memory you’d have phone sex line ads. That shit was bad: our crusty bitches are waiting for you to call 1900-I-wanna-pay-5-bucks-a-minunte-to-jerk-off-with-my-own-hand! It was sad and contemptible, lonely cashed-up motherfuckers who were so thick they couldn’t work out it’d be cheaper to go for a real rub-and-tug with someone else’s hand at their local massage parlour. Those stupid fuck-knuckles deserved to get taken for every last penny, but we could rest knowing that telephone hygiene was relatively safe due to the distance between phone and cock. Now it’s far worse: mobile phone porn ads – dial 1900-dirty-slappers-ooh-just-can’t-wait-gotta-blast-a-load-all-over-my-fuckin-phone.

What sort of sad shit-sack beats off to a phone. That’s fucked up! Are guys today so frantic the get a load away, and so devoid of imagination, that they need pornography on their telephones? In the information age with a whole internet full of more free porn than the world will ever need, people are still paying exorbitant prices for visual wank fodder? And what does this mean culturally, is everyone pissing off to the toilet for a sly phone-wank every five minutes? Think about it, there’s definitely a market for phone porn and don’t kid youself that it’s just a novelty, ah it’s just a bit of fun, don’t live in denial – where there’s porn, there’s wanking. We’re confronted by the harsh reality, on TV every night, that there must be a huge number of blokes hunched over, furiously wanking themselves off to their phones – otherwise the ads wouldn’t exist, would they? It’s fucking disgraceful! It’s a phone!

I now refuse to use other men’s mobiles. I can’t bring myself to do it anymore. Fuck it, why take the chance? Think about the people you know, think about it next time you put a friend’s mobile up to your mouth. Does it stick to the side of your face? Did he wipe it off with an alcohol wipe, or was it a refresher towel from KFC, or did the filthy compulsive-cock-pounding freak just give it a once-over with a bit of dunny roll? Are you speaking into a dirty sex toy? Can you smell jizz?