Archive for Hollywood

Get Ya Han’ Off It!

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2008 by Buck Frain

In Australia we have a saying. When I was growing up it was something of a catch cry. It was an emphatic indication to the recipient that whatever they’d been saying was complete wank, that they were by default a complete wanker and, therefore, that they should shut up. Get ya hand off it! That said it all.

 

 

I watched the movie Hancock yesterday and the cry came back to me. I love a good superhero movie, truth be told I don’t even mind a bad one on the odd occasion, I really wanted to enjoy Hancock but it was never going to happen. I concede that I got three decent laughs out of it, which in the past has been enough to turn a film for me, but not this time. The eminently watchable Will Smith plays John Hancock, an alcoholic superhero destroying Los Angeles despite his best intentions. I can just hear the coked-up pitch:

OK, OK, OK! How would people like Superman, huh, if he was…if he was a bum??? Get it? No cape, no suit, just stinkin’ of booze, tryin’ to fight crime, but fuckin’ everybody’s shit up like a…like a…an invincible drunk driver! Huh??? ‘Cause he’s got no fortress of solitude, he’s got no Marlon Brando who loves him, he’s just alone in the world with…with his powers!!! Eh???

 

Director Peter Berg fucked this film right in its arse. How you take a cast like this, an interesting premise and $150 million and turn it into a turkey like Hancock is beyond me. Peter Berg, you’re a fucking goose! Other than some basic slapstick laughs the film is piss boring and as sappy as a week of Days Of Our Lives. It seems as though Berg has tried to make a fuckin’ drama out of what might have become quite an interesting and dark comedy. Gags like our hero shoving a crim’s head up another crim’s arse, how do you make that NOT funny? Berg did it, the lame cunt! How do you make Will Smith and Charlize Theron look insincere? How do you make Jason Bateman look lamer than he did in Teen Wolf Too!? At every turn the film got progressively fuckeder. Plot twists that were so heavily telegraphed that characters’ surprise at their revelation was completely unbelievable, character histories referenced in a way that made them looked like tacked-on afterthoughts that even the actors didn’t know about. Everyone knows going in that it’s a superhero movie so suspension of disbelief is hard to break, but the banal misdirection of this film succeeds at smashing it to buggery. Peter Berg, you suck! You’re a fuckin’ douche bag, get fucked!

 

 

If you haven’t seen Hancock, don’t bother. It’s cock – not hard cock, but floppy, stupid, useless cock! If you still want to see it, I say: wait till it comes on free-to-air TV then watch something else!

 

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The AMA – Saving Your Life, Stealing Your Freedom.

Posted in Rage Against The Machine with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 2, 2008 by Buck Frain

The Australian Medical Association should have the absolute fuck kicked out of it for being a bunch of Orwellian wank-stains and insulting to the rights of free people. Who the fuck do they think they are? They’re in the paper this weekend calling for the government to ban the funding of any film, play or piece of art that contains smoking. The Australian arts industry is small and relies heavily on government funding. In this move the AMA seek to censor artistic expression and control the reflection of society being presented by artists. They are, in effect, calling for an end to free expression, and why? Because people get addicted to cigarettes and die. Big fucking deal! People get killed by cars, are they going to seek an end to car chase scenes as well? Of course not, they know everyone would tell them to fuck off which is pretty much what’s happening anyway.

If the government were to rise to the bait, what the fuck would we be allowed to see in our entertainment? People working out and eating properly? Fuck – that sounds like a great fucking film! Yeah Doc, I’ll fork out $15 to watch smug shit-sacks being perfect while all around my real life the world goes to hell. FUCK YOU, and thanks for killing the Aussie film industry, you miserable CUNT!

I used to smoke cigarettes. I smoked a pack a day for fifteen years and two years ago I stopped. I didn’t start smoking because of movies, I started because I liked the smell. I hate smoking, I hate the addiction, but I believe it is everyone’s right to choose for themselves. Freedom is all about choice. I don’t put down or look down on my friends who smoke and I consider them just as much a part of this society as I am. Smokers are already pariahs, huddled together, dejected and despised outside buildings in the freezing cold, the AMA would make them invisible too.

As an adult in a free society, I should be able to do pretty much whatever I want providing it doesn’t negatively impact anyone else’s right to do whatever they want. If I choose to smoke surely that is my right as an adult. This right is not the one under threat, the right to see a fictional depiction of person smoking tobacco, something that actually happens, is what the AMA would remove from us. They want to remove artists’ rights to reflect certain elements of the society they live in. These guys are a bunch of doctors, yeah? Fuck-head meddling doctors with no concept of the importance of art in defining cultural identity. They should stick to medicine and making people well. Have you cunts cured cancer yet? No? Well, get back to fucking work and leave artistic content to artists, you useless fuckbags! What value does good health have when you have no freedom left to enjoy with it?