Archive for Fuckheadedness

On Cutting The Cheese.

Posted in Random Shit That Gives Me The Cunt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 11, 2009 by Buck Frain

No, this is not about farts.

Mainland_Cracker_Cuts

I love innovation, I really do, but there has to be a fucking limit. Mainland Cracker Cuts. What the shit-spread toast is wrong with people? Little packets of pre-cut, cracker-sized squares of cheese. WHAT THE FUCK??? I realise cheese slices are not new and while I find them somewhat degrading to cheese I accept that jaded mums with too many lunches to pack in the morning, sandwich bars and burger joints can’t survive without them. It’s not usually even real cheese but I’ll accept that there is a need of sorts for that product even if really it’s only laziness disguised as a need. Likewise, pre-grated cheese I can see serves a purpose – you’re making pizzas, last thing you want is to spend an hour grating your knuckles into the cheese. I can cope with that. 

But Mainland Cracker Cuts are a different matter. This is not a product aimed at someone frantically churning out sandwiches or making pizzas as fast as they can. This is a product for some gormless middle class cunt who just can’t be fucked cutting cheese for his cracker to accompany the bottle of Shiraz he knocks back after dinner. There’s no pressure, there’s no rush – it’s cracker time, for fuck’s sake! WHAT SORT OF ABOMINABLE SHIT-SACK CAN’T BE ARSED CUTTING HIS OWN FUCKING CHEESE??? GET YOUR BUTLER TO DO IT YOU DIRTY FUCKER!!! It’s no more work to cut a slice of cheese than it is to unseal the re-closable packet and pull the pre-cut slice out. Even without putting down the glass of red you can manage to cut cheese, assemble it onto a cracker and put it in your mouth. HOW FUCKING LAZY ARE YOU??? WHAT, ARE YOU IN PRISON? DON’T THEY LET YOU HAVE KNIVES??? WHAT SORT OF PRISON LETS YOU EAT CHEESE AFTER LIGHTS OUT??? 

Now just to get things straight, I’m a big fan of Mainland cheeses. They make some pretty bloody good cheeses and I am a regular buyer of their Colby, Tasty and Vintage to name but three. So this has nothing to do with me having a problem with the company, however, the cretinous, pony-tailed marketing ballbag who came up with this idea should be fucking horse-whipped, castrated with a rusty cheese knife and choked to death with his own balls. Mainland Cracker Cuts are an insult to a species with opposable thumbs and tool-making abilities. We’ve been using knives for 2.5 million years. They are a mark of our humanity. If you can’t be bothered using a knife to cut your cheese then I say get the fuck back to the jungle and eat berries, you fucking chimp! YOU DON’T DESERVE CHEESE!!! 

If I ever visit someone’s house and find they have these shitting Cracker Cuts in their fridge I’ll just fucking snap the carrot and kill them. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS!!! Even if they are a friend, even if I love them, it’s a sure sign that they’ve lost the fucking plot and the only reasonable response to it is pure, undiluted murderous rage. IF YOU WANT CHEESE ON A CRACKER, CUT IT YOUR CUNTING SELF!!!