Archive for Entertainment

Fuck Christmas

Posted in Rage Against The Machine with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 19, 2014 by Buck Frain

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Christmas 2014 is shaping up to be the most miserable in living memory for Australia. An increasing number of Australians are taking to the streets in T-shirts declaring that they will not be celebrating Christmas at all this year as they’re saving all their party stuff until Prime Minister Tony Abbott dies.

Hatred for the PM has reached fever pitch in many parts of the country, and without a productive outlet for the rage, people are increasingly turning on the institution of Christmas as a focus for their anger. Frank Jelbart, 87, of Coonamble NSW said: “What kind of country are they running here anyway, where a fine young lad like Philip Hughes is struck down playing cricket for God’s sake and a snake like Abbott destroys the country and walks around breathing the air that mates of mine died for. Christmas be fucked this year, I’m just going to take out the 12 gauge and shoot holes in some road signs.”

Vicky Pettigrew, 44, of Happy Valley SA said: “Tony Abbott has ruined Christmas in our house this year. We get a tree each year but neither my husband, Darren, or I can even look at a Christmas tree now without imagining it on fire and stabbed right down that creepy lizard[Abbott]’s Jap-eye.” Mrs. Pettigrew, well-intentioned but a bit of a casual racist, told how the family had tried to persevere with the Christmas spirit until the couple’s thirteen year old son had replaced the traditional fairy atop the tree with a paper cut-out of the Prime Minister. “I think Ethan he thought it was funny or something but when Darren saw it he went berserk. He just dragged the whole tree out into the yard, decorations and all, doused it with two-stroke fuel and set it ablaze. He said no-one in our house would be having any fun until he [Abbott] dies.”

Similar scenes are playing out all over the country. In Mulgrave Vic, Trevor Farnsworth, 53, said the only thing he would be doing this Christmas was taking a hammer and knocking the handles off all of his 82 sporting trophies attained over 35 years of competing in a range of sports. “It’s been my life”, he wept, “but now they all just remind me of that dirty, big-eared cunt. Why can’t someone just fuckin’ kill him?”

You would be mistaken to think that the discontent stops at our sovereign borders though, interviewed at his well-hidden North Pole factory this week, the usually-jolly Santa Claus let fly about the Australian PM when asked about the down-turn in festive participation this season. “Tony Abbott is cancer in Speedos, he can get fucked! I’m not even going to Australia this year. I’m sorry kids but you can just fuck right off as long as that prick’s breathing. I’m serious! Cunt [Abbott] wants to pretend global warming doesn’t exist? I live in the fucking North Pole, bitches! Do you know how much I’ve had to spend on foundation re-flotation and sea-floor mooring just so the factory doesn’t sink into the fucking Arctic Ocean? It’s like Venice-On-Ice up here – it’s fucking bullshit – and that filthy weasel shit-fuck [Abbott] spends most of his time gobbing off Big Mining like coal’s a good fucking idea. No surprise that Tony Abbott’s death is Australia’s second most wished-for Christmas item this year, but I’ll tell you now: if you want him dead you’re going to have to do it your lazy fucking selves. I wouldn’t let Rudolph piss on that beef-jerky-looking bastard if he was on fire.

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With the big man in red seeing red, our intrepid reporter wasn’t game to ask what the number one most wished for Christmas item was from Australia, although my money’s on having a truck-load of pineapples smashed up Scott Morrison’s arse with a sledgehammer. Whatever it is, there’s no doubt that we’ve lost our way with Christmas. Sure as cunts I can’t buggered with it! Like the kids are saying: Fuck Christmas – I’m saving all my party stuff ‘til Tony Abbott dies.

Packed To The Rafters With Gormlessness!

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2010 by Buck Frain

A top psychologist has come out to warn fucking idiots obsessed with a piece-of-shit TV show that the death of a fictional character may cause them to feel an emotion. A major news outlet scrambled to alert an apathetic and increasingly gorm-deficient populace to this inconsequential drivel in the hope they could avoid having to report any of the significant events or issues that might warrant genuine social consideration.

If people start feeling emotions about things that aren’t real, they reasoned, it’s a real possibility that they may one day experience an emotion about something that is real. If this happened, then it’s down the slippery slope to people forming considered opinions about the world they live in and even taking actions towards making it a better place. This sort of thing could seriously threaten big business.

Fuck you, Australia, for taking it! Fuck you, Channel 7, for producing the flyblown arse that is Packed to the Rafters! Fuck you again for trying to disguise blatant plugs for your own TV show as legitimate news! – Yes, they seriously tried to pass plot plugs for the show as genuine news that implied that an actor had died! – And fuck you to the psychologist, Dr. Jan Hall, who thinks that experiencing emotions is something that the public need to be warned about! Are you fucking serious? I mean, are we as a society so alienated from our emotions that we need a public warning about the catastrophic grief we may experience at the loss of a fictional character on a TV show? Get fucked!

“Tell yourself it’s only a TV show, exercise to release the ‘happy drugs’ in your body, or watch a soppy DVD that makes you have a good cry,” she said.

Fuck the fucking fuck right off! Seriously, Dr Hall, do you actually think that people have forgotten the purposes and possible effects of drama? People empathising with fictional characters and experiencing emotions as a result of fictional events? What the cunting shit do you think has been going on for the last 2000 years? Theatre and catharsis – ring any bells? You fucking stupid cunt! JUST FUCKING DIE!!!

A massive FUCK YOU has to go out to The Herald Sun for giving any of this even the slightest consideration. YOUR ORGANISATION SHOULD BE OBLITERATED FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE NATIONAL INTELLECT!!!

By the way, the two million people who watch that excremental suburban banality should be set on fire for their lack of imagination or taste. Gormless fucks! I’m serious, I fucking hate you all!

All-in-one Kitchen Revolution!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2010 by Buck Frain

Amazing breakthrough technology. 

Imagine a device so flexible and multi-purposed that it allowed you to throw away virtually all of your cumbersome kitchen appliances in one go.

It’s a slow-cooker, it’s a rice cooker, a bread maker, pie maker, fryer, boiler, roaster, steamer, griller and more. Entrees, mains, desserts, it can do them all. It make a thanksgiving dinner for the whole family, it can toast bread, it can even make you a cup of tea or coffee!!!

Anything you need to cook that requires heat can be prepared to gourmet chefs’ standards using this one device. 

How much would you pay for such an appliance? 

How about NOTHING AT ALL? 

Too good to be true? 

Not so! 

In Australia every house either rented or sold has one of these devices ALREADY!!! 

Yes, you miserable shit-sucking fuckholes, IT’S YOUR FUCKING OVEN!!! 

LEARN TO FUCKING USE IT AND STOP TWATTING ON ABOUT DOUCHEBAG, STUPID, PIECE-OF-SHIT APPLIANCES YOU’VE BEEN CONNED INTO BUYING BECAUSE YOU’RE A CUNTING USELESS PIECE OF MINDLESS EXCREMENT!!! 

LEARN TO COOK OR KILL YOURSELF AND SHUT THE  FUCK UP BECAUSE I’M FUCKING TIRED OF IT!!!

FACT: A Piece Of Shit That Glitters Is Still A Piece Of Shit!

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 24, 2010 by Buck Frain

I’ve held my fucking peace on this for as long as I can but, unfortunately, today I’ve seen one gormless Twilight-merchandise-clad teen too many. That one idiotic straw has crippled my camel and I’m ready to buy a fuckload of guns and decimate the population if I don’t get this out. TWILIGHT IS FUCKING SHIT!!! It is! It’s a big pile of horseshit and if you like it you should grab the nearest blade and fucking end yourself – you’d be doing the world a big cunting favour!

 

What a reprehensibly ugly literary idea. I can imagine the creative process that went into this. 

Hmm…what if draculas were sparkly? Ooh yeah, that’s great because draculas are pretty scary and if they were sparkly and all into teenage girls, not like 200 year old pedos, but like really hot teenage boys…but, y’know, a bit more murdery. Yeah that’d be the best! Just when girls think they’re too grown up for unicorns they can fall in love with a sparkly dracula who’ll get them all juiced up but way too scared to actually have sex. I mean, shit, I don’t wanna get chucked out of my church, I just wanna cash in! 

The real tragedy is they all buy it. They fucking love it, they buy it and they buy every stupid fucking thing to do with it. It makes me want to staple a cat to my balls and go to a remedial dog obedience session! GET FUCKED!!! I realise everyone needs a bit of fantasy but cunting well think about it. I am an adult. I don’t think I’m alone in that I can’t think of many things worse than conversing with teenagers. People with no life experience to draw on but an absolute knowledge that no-one has ever gone through anything like the nothing they’re going through. Now honestly ask yourself this: If you had a couple of hundred years to learn and experience the world, would the petty, empty, self-absorbed shitness of teenagers suddenly become more magical?

I THINK FUCKING NOT!!! 

Or think about it another way: If you were immortal and had superpowers, could you think of something more fun to do than going to high school? If you answered no to this question you really need to go back to the whole suicide idea and give it a bit more thought because life is being wasted on you. 

Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer! Fuck you, Bella! Fuck you, Edward! Fuck you, consumers of this utter trash! ARSE!!!

Get Some Privacy For Christmas!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 22, 2009 by Buck Frain

With his marriage in tatters, a gaggle of money-grubbing slappers circling for their 15-nano-seconds-of-fame-with-accompanying-media-stipend and sponsors running for the hills because they can’t see the Woods for the sleaze, golfing titan Tiger Woods is heading for the high seas. And who the fuck can blame him? Not me, Jim-lad, that’s for cunting sure! 

I’ve been watching this media car crash for the last couple of weeks and I have silently listened to all the banal water-cooler conversations about how his wife should take him to the cleaners; his sponsors should all ditch him; how he shouldn’t be allowed to play golf because he’s such an evil human being and how surprising it all is seeing as he never looked like one of those guys who does that sort of thing

What sort of thing? Fucking? OK so rich, attractive, athlete at the top of his game, the best in his field in the entire world? And he’s fucking a lot? Whoa! How could this possibly happen? 

Jesus fucking Christ! I feel like I’m losing my mind! WHO THE FUCK CARES??? I know I regularly rip shit out of  sportos for being reprehensible pieces of shit but this is different. He has broken no law. The girls were all legal and consenting. For me this is pretty fucking simple – LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE! He may be a crap husband but really that’s between him and his wife. Public figure or not, I don’t give a shit, it’s no other motherfucker’s business and no-one else in the entire world has any right to feel one way or the other about it SO JUST SHUT YOUR STINKING HOLES AND FUCKING DIE!!! 

I feel for Tiger and I don’t know what’s worse, realising that when you’re rich everyone sees you as nothing more than a meal ticket, having your mum tell the tabloids she’s angry and devastated by what’s going on in/out of your marriage or having a notorious wanker like Boris Becker come in faux support of you. Fuck all that for a game of soldiers! I reckon Tiger’s got the right idea – load the boat full of booze, grab a few  mates and get the shit out of there. Maybe go to the Bahamas or anywhere you can get enormous drinks with umbrellas and fruit sticking out of them and ridiculously big joints, somewhere people are living their lives enough that they’ll leave you alone to do the cunting same.

 

I’m just glad that the PGA Tour still saw fit to award him Player Of The Year. Ah, who the fuck else would they give it to? He even plays a mean game of golf! Merry Christmas Tiger Woods!

 

Merry Christmas to the rest of you as well…except the cunts out there I don’t like – FUCK YOU GUYS!!! I’m putting snow on my blog. I don’t know why, it’ll probably shit people off but fuck it, it’ll be gone soon and Australia’s fucking hot over Christmas so I need all the cool I can get.

10 Dead People I’ll Joyfully Slaughter Again When They Come Back As Zombies.

Posted in Specials with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2009 by Buck Frain

The Halloween Special, 2009.

In Australia we don’t really give a fuck about Halloween but we’re all just a little jealous of countries that do celebrate it because it looks like fun. If only we could stop drinking alcohol, turn the sport off for a second or be arsed putting some effort in to dressing up like freaks for a non-sporting occasion. If only we weren’t too paranoid to let our children knock on strangers doors for fear they get fingered by one or more of the many pedos infesting our imploding society.

Anyway, in the spirit of all things Halloween I thought I’d share a little list of people I missed out on the opportunity of butchering the first time they were alive, a list of 10 dead people I’ll joyfully slaughter again when they come back as zombies.

10. John Wayne. 

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Fuck you, John Wayne! What a fucking tool. For convincing inarticulate, box-headed, drawling lummoxes everywhere that they could be heroes, fuck off! Way to overcompensate for being named Marion. No six-shooter for you, zombie John Wayne, it’s a shotgun wound to the head!

9. Jane Austen.

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Jane-piss-weak-cunting-Austen, I fucking had to read your shit in high school and endure innumerable bullshit TV and movie adaptations – forced upon be by many an ex-girlfriend – of your horrendous bourgeois bollocking on and on and on about how to get a rich cock without looking either materialistic or slutty. Oh Mr. Darcy, your sideburns are so becoming if only I could get your wealthy member up my back passage without it seeming shameful to Pater. You boring, boring cunt, Jane Austen, you’ll be marginally more interesting as a zombie but it’ll be a joy blast your stupid face apart with a musket.

8. Ricardo Montalban

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Mr. Roarke in Fantasy Island AND Khan in Star Trek II. Ricardo was a fucking hard-man and a star. I would kill him with full respect. He’s a fucking legend! I was tempted to put that fucking little prick who played Tattoo on the list as well but he’s just a little cunt and doesn’t really deserve a listing of his own, I’d kill him for sure but not here, I’d use the leftover energy I had from killing…

7. Franz Kafka.

kafka

It’s not fashionable to hate Kafka but I don’t give a fuck. He was a boring, sickly, whiny little pissant! Fuck him and his long fucking sentences. Fucking middle class wankstick, and fuck you if you like him! Oh, I’m so weak and sick and not really troubled about money; everyone ignores me because I’m so pathetic and oh no I had a nightmare that I turned into a cockroach last night because Daddy was mean to me because I’m a sorry waste of jizz. Suck it up, Kafka, ya worthless bug, I’m stompin’ your zombie head to bits with my boots until it completely comes away from that weedy insect body!

6. Elvis Presley.

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Oh shut up and stop crying. He fucking well is dead and you knew it all along. When he was alive he was a fucking toadie for J. Edgar Hoover, and big fat junkie ballbag. Yeah, he’s the most famous cover artist in the world but I don’t give a shit. I’m gonna smash his head apart with a big old heavy ceramic toilet bowl! Fuck off!

5. Charlton Heston.

charlton_heston

From my cold dead hands… *BOOM* Shotgun blast to the head. Fuck you, zombie-Charlton, you old cunt! You were a star and then you just degenerated into a fucked up old crackpot. You fucking lost it and you fucking deserve your rotten brain splattered all over my driveway!

4. Margaret Thatcher.

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OK. Strictly speaking she hasn’t died the first time yet but it can’t be long and in truth it’s questionable whether there was ever really any living humanity within the iron bint. Fuck you, Maggie, 20 years may have sentimantalised you in the minds of many but I know you’re an evil old shitter and I’ll thoroughly enjoy smashing your brains out with a Steinway grand piano.

3. David Carradine.

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I fucking love David Carradine. He was Kane in Kung Fu. He was Grasshopper! He was hardcore and my respect for him is in no way diminished by the fact that he died tied up neck-to-cock in a chokey wank accident. Fuckin’ way to go out! He’d be a hardcore zombie and out of respect I’ll save my ammo and waste him with a samurai sword.

2. Mrs Sally Scott aka Sand Bags.

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A bit obscure? She was a teacher of mine in primary school and one of the most evil people I’ve ever met. Someone born with a true malice for children and driven by that hate to make their lives as unpleasant as possible. Known as Sand Bags for her saggy, waist-level breasts, she hated everyone. Above is an actual photograph of her taken in 1984. it doesn’t show the pendulous breasts but you get the idea. She beat kids with her hands, rulers and blackboard dusters, forbade them going to the toilet to dire and embarrassing effect, she was insidious in the way she would undermine a child’s confidence, happiness and imagination and I could go on. Trust me she was fucked! When I asked my mate Rob if he was going to have a party for his 10th birthday he said Nah! I’m savin’ all my party stuff ‘til Mrs Scott dies! He wasn’t kidding, he never had a birthday party as long as I knew him. She died after I left town. I never found out if he had that party. I’ll fucking chop that old bitch up with a fucking axe! I’m tempted to dig the old bitch up for a chop even if there isn’t a zombie apocalypse.

1. Stan Zemanek. 

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What a rotten old cunt! Reactionary, right-wing purveyor of ignorance, TV personality and talk-back radio fuckhead Stan Zemanek was such a toxic human being that his own brain got the shits up and killed him rather than stay in his head. I was so fucking happy when this old bastard died  two years ago that I still smile about it now. He was the fucking worst and if any of his family members are reading this. FUCK YOU! I’M GLAD THE OLD CUNT’S DEAD! YOU’RE WRONG, HE WASN’T A NICE PERSON, HE WAS FUCKED BECAUSE HE MADE A KILLING OUT OF ENCOURAGING PREJUDICE AND STUPIDITY!!! I’ll hobble that old bastard with two blows from a sledgehammer. One to each knee. Then as he kneels glassy-eyed before me I’ll swing that hammer out in a wide horizontal arc gooshing his ugly-Vader-with-his-mask-off head forever. 

You know what?…I think I’m gonna go and have a shit on his grave tonight! Right on it!

Ah…I feel better. Happy Halloween!

Hey Hey WHAT century are we living in?

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2009 by Buck Frain

This is what passes for entertainment in Australia. It was on national TV last night and today the media is awash with debate about whether or not it constituted racism. The general consensus from the bogan masses of this country seems to be that everyone should get a sense of humour and have good old brain-dead laugh at it all. I tend to think that if you don’t believe it was racist, YOU ARE A RACIST! You may not be burning crosses, wearing pillow cases on your head or trying to murder people but you’re a lousy racist sack of shit all the same.

Some Australians seem to be under the misapprehension that if they think something funny, that perception of humour cancels out any perception of racism experienced by anyone else. IT CUNTING WELL DOESN’T! It’s the sort of boozy logic that leads footy players to think that because they want the girl she automatically wants all of them. She may have thought she was gang-raped but that was just her being a bad sport and she should really get over it. If she wasn’t so uptight she’d admit that in fact she had a great time. 

Too much? Let’s look at it seriously. What is funny about the above skit? There was no amazing choreographic homage; there was no satirical reworking of MJ’s lyrics. It was white people dressed in black face and an Indian guy who says he’s never been called racist in his life (because if your skin is brown you can’t possibly be racist, can you?) dressed in white face. These shining members of the Australian medical profession – yes, these are educated Australians – have gone two for one, compounding racism with bad taste. Perhaps the best value in the sewer this week. Perhaps not. 

But it was just a bit of fun. 

Really? Take away the make up and what do you have? Oh yeah, nothing! That was the act. That was the gag.

It’s funny because they’re white guys who are pretending to be black! See, that guy’s face is painted white because MJ was black but he looked white! He’s pretending to be a black guy who’s self-mutilating to make himself look like a white guy due to his deep self-hatred, a legacy left over from an abusive childhood! Aaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha get me another pair of pants! That’s gold!

FUCK YOU!!! 

Australia is a very racist country. We don’t like to think of ourselves as racist but that’s just denial. Refer to the last 221 years. We usually hide it behind a mask of humour nowadays but that doesn’t make it any less ignorant or wrong. Pretending it’s all matesy Aah, you ol’ black bastard, ya! doesn’t remove the degradation, humiliation or inherent violence from it. It just makes you feel better about being a cunt. Racism hurts people and divides society. It is ugly and absurd. If you want to make racist jokes with your racist mates, don’t fucking well do it in public, keep that feral shit to yourself! 

I do have a sense of humour but I fail to see anything funny about a plastic surgeon making racist jokes with his rich doctor mates on national TV insulting a recently deceased legend who was plagued with the sort of psychological problems that keep said plastic surgeon and his industry in business. At the very least it was in extremely poor taste but if we’re truly honest with ourselves we have to acknowledge it as bare-faced racism and spurn it as such. Fuck you, Channel 9 for approving this shit for broadcast! Fuck you, Hey Hey It’s Saturday, for being a shitty, out-dated dog turd of a show recycling 20 year old bigotry. Fuck you, redneck bogan wankers of Australia, who are too stupid to realise you are racist scum-sucking cretins! FUCKING DIE!!!

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To Harry Connick Jr, respect! Nice work calling it like it is and having the balls to go against the grain in a foreign land.