Archive for Celebrity

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #3

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2008 by Buck Frain

#3: David Koch

Oh fuck and cunting Jesus! It’s Monday morning and I’ve managed to get up early enough to see this complete twat’s bald mug on the TV. Well, that’s just buggered my week. David Koch. Kochie, as he’s known by most Australians, is a smarmy ballbag. His voice is the high-pitched whine of middle-class, middle-aged, emasculated Liberal voters. The financial journalist and morning show presenter is a simpering, sycophantic right-wing reactionary fuckstick and the only reason he’s tolerated on TV at all is that he’s such a wimp that no-one feels genuinely threatened by his half-arsed-ashamedly-conservative rhetoric. He’d love nothing more than to see Australia return to John Howard’s 1950s – a world before anyone had ever had sex and when the only people you’d see on the street were white people unless they were aborigines and they weren’t even people back then so you didn’t really see them because they weren’t really there.

According to this, he’s not only won numerous awards for his contributions to finance journalism in this country, he was also Father Of The Year last year. It is terrifying that he’s managed to pass those genes on and hideous to think someone actually slept with this wanker (and more than once). People are fucking sick. According to an anonymous source who went to school with Kochie’s son – he’s a complete fuckwit too. Kochie needs to be taken to with a cricket bat. He won’t learn anything but it’d be fun for the sounds of bat on bald.

 

10 People I’d Love To Smash – # 2.

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2008 by Buck Frain

#2: The chick off the iSelect commercials.

What an obnoxious woman, what an obnoxious campaign. The timbre of her voice seems to have been specifically chosen by the ad exec’s for its ability to stimulate bile production and unfettered rage in humans. If I ever meet someone who admits to writing that shit I’ll fucking glass them on the spot. I’ve yet to meet a person who is unmoved by or who actually appreciates these ads. Everyone I have spoken to hates them and, as a result, her with a passion. I know actors need to work, but FUCK! Show a little restraint: wait tables, do some Shakespeare-in-the-fuckin’-park. Anyone with even a couple of grey cells could tell you: That shit ain’t funny! It’s annoying, it’s fucked, it fills me with violent impulses and fuck knows I don’t need more. Health insurance? – FUCK YOU! If I ever buy health insurance I swear I’ll be happy to pay higher premiums every week for the rest of my life than give one cent to those FUCKERS. Fuck you iSelect, fuck you Camilla Jackson and your big fucking break, FUCK OFF AND DIE! She can’t act and her voice could put the veins in blue cheese. She should be used as a crash test dummy.

 You’d have to be picking you own teeth and fragments of facial bone off the road to buy health insurance any other way!

10 People I’d Love To Smash

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , on April 12, 2008 by Buck Frain

I the name of being more regular with my postings I am embarking on a ten part series about some of the people who, in a world without legal repercussions or moral dilemmas, I’d really enjoy exacting physical violence upon.

 

I’ll apologise up front to my international readers for the Australo-centric nature of this list. I have one or two candidates who everyone should recognize and I’ll endeavour to include enough links with the others that you can come to some understanding of my wrath.

 

If you have a special someone you think should be included in this list, you’re welcome to either comment below or email me at buck.frain@gmail.com Whilst I’m pretty happy with my ten, I’m quite willing to believe I may have overlooked someone more deserving of divine fury.

 

I’ll also make the disclaimer: I will not be including any politicians. When thinking about the list I almost filled it entirely with politicians so I’m considering giving them their own list sometime down the track. The only thing that discourages me from that idea is that 99% of people who enter politics should quite rightly be bludgeoned without mercy, so it’d be kinda like shooting fish in a barrel. Then of course, the dilemma of how to stop at only ten?

 

 

So, in no particular order I give you 10 People I’d Love To Smash:

 

 

#1: Sam Newman

 

John “Sam” Newman is a racist, sexist, homophobic arsehole, a bully and a fuckwit. At 62 years old, the retired AFL footballer turned media personality is living proof that a man may experience much in life and learn absolutely nothing. He is a narcissistic mask of faux superiority based on a remembered boof-head-footy-player past and supported by retarded sexuality and contempt for anyone that isn’t him. He’s a walking warning on the dangers of sports psychology. On national TV he’s guilty of dressing up in blackface to mock indigenous footballer Nicky Winmar, exposing his genitals, humiliating his own son, and most recently a misogynistic attack on journalist and TV presenter Caroline Wilson. For a more comprehensive list click here. For fuck’s sake, he had Botox done on TV! His interviewing technique consists of insulting people or, failing that, over-articulating the new multi-syllabic word he’s learnt and using it to patronise them.

 

Despite numerous brushes with death he remains unchanged. A near fatal kidney injury in 1967 failed to make him have that “long hard look at himself”. Being deliberately run over by the mother of one of his children and prostate cancer have also failed to unearth any humanity in him.

 

I’m elated he’s had his prostate removed, I hope with all my heart that he can’t fuck anymore and that he keeps pissing himself. He’s paid ridiculous amounts of money by Channel Nine et al and his sole purpose is to lower the I.Q. of Australia. There’s a line in Mamet’s American Buffalo: “The only way to teach these people is to kill them.” So very true. Sam Newman should be beaten to death by an angry mob wielding footy socks containing pool balls. While I’m not a big fan of mobs I’ll make an exception for Sam, he’s a cunt.

Aussie Royalty.

Posted in Boof-head Sporto Fuckwits with tags , , , , , , , , on March 18, 2008 by Buck Frain

Wayne Carey

Fucking Wayne Carey! What a thoroughly reprehensible human being. The man known as “The King” when he played football. Beloved of football fans all over the country, disgraced himself toward the end of his career by sleeping with his “best mate’s” and teammate’s wife. Finally fizzled away from the oval to be reborn into a lucrative media career.

He loses his media career due to very publicly outing himself as a violent degenerate, beating his girlfriend, attacking police and having to be subdued with capsicum spray. But that’s just the most recent in a long list of incidents. The regularly hanging out with prominent Melbourne underworld figures, the $15,000 paid to hush up a sexual harassment case, the time he smashed a wine glass in his girlfriend’s face in the U.S. and narrowly escaped serious legal repercussions there.

But this is the way of it: narrowly escaping. Why “escaping” at all? Because he’s a celebrity, a sporting hero, an Aussie legend. The proof of the pudding is that New Idea apparently just paid him somewhere around $200,000 to tell the pissing sob-story of his harrowing substance abuse problem. Not apologising for being a misogynist violent bastard, just: boo-hoo poor Wayney likes his coke.

Now here’s why I’m pissed off. I don’t care if he does drugs – who gives a shit, he can afford it and an adult should be able to do whatever they want to their own body. I could possibly even forgive the violence if, and only if, he wanted to stop it and acknowledged that it was a problem and his problem and not just fob it off as aww gee, I was off me tits! But where the whole thing becomes truly evil is where he makes $200,000 out of such anti-socil behaviour. He profits, and tidily too, for bashing his partner and punching on with the cops. Why? Because he’s rich, he’s famous and he’s really good-looking too – don’t forget that, I mean if you’re gonna get beaten up by someone how lucky would you be to cop a bashing from The King? Isn’t that what all girls dream of?

God knows, Carey’s not the only one. Didn’t Ablett inadvertently kill a girl his son went to school with after they got loaded up on pills together in a seedy hotel rootfest? And how many rape scandals have been hushed up across all the major codes of football? How many brawling incidents make the news but result in no meaningful penalty?

The world’s a violent place and people are flawed. I know. I accept that. What I can’t accept is that there are no real consequences for people like Wayne Carey. They are above the rest of us. When was the last time a sports star did serious time? I don’t remember one. The team comes in, the lawyers come in and the money goes out. Witnesses get paid off or threatened into withdrawing their allegations.

The whole thing makes me fucking sick to my stomach. What are we telling our children? What are we telling our Australian sons and daughters? Hey son, kick the footy, run fast, be good at sport and then one day the world will be yours. Fuck learning, fuck thinking, fuck values. If you get good at sport you’ll have it made. You’ll get all the drugs you’ll ever want, you can go and gang-rape girls with your mates, you can bash chicks, bash blokes and even smash the cops. Nothing will ever happen to you. There won’t be any consequences, you’ll still be rich, people will pay you more just to hear your story. You’ll be invincible. And after it’s all over, the sports bars will still be filled with nubile, naïve young girls with stars in their eyes, ready to bow down before the altar of a sports superhero, faded or not, and get the living Jesus reamed out of them before getting their heads kicked in. Hey, daughter, you know you could do a lot worse than getting fucked by The King – he is an Aussie legend.

 

If anyone ever deserved to die pants-down on the fucking toilet, it’s Carey.