Archive for Celebrity

Get Ya Han’ Off It!

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 18, 2008 by Buck Frain

In Australia we have a saying. When I was growing up it was something of a catch cry. It was an emphatic indication to the recipient that whatever they’d been saying was complete wank, that they were by default a complete wanker and, therefore, that they should shut up. Get ya hand off it! That said it all.

 

 

I watched the movie Hancock yesterday and the cry came back to me. I love a good superhero movie, truth be told I don’t even mind a bad one on the odd occasion, I really wanted to enjoy Hancock but it was never going to happen. I concede that I got three decent laughs out of it, which in the past has been enough to turn a film for me, but not this time. The eminently watchable Will Smith plays John Hancock, an alcoholic superhero destroying Los Angeles despite his best intentions. I can just hear the coked-up pitch:

OK, OK, OK! How would people like Superman, huh, if he was…if he was a bum??? Get it? No cape, no suit, just stinkin’ of booze, tryin’ to fight crime, but fuckin’ everybody’s shit up like a…like a…an invincible drunk driver! Huh??? ‘Cause he’s got no fortress of solitude, he’s got no Marlon Brando who loves him, he’s just alone in the world with…with his powers!!! Eh???

 

Director Peter Berg fucked this film right in its arse. How you take a cast like this, an interesting premise and $150 million and turn it into a turkey like Hancock is beyond me. Peter Berg, you’re a fucking goose! Other than some basic slapstick laughs the film is piss boring and as sappy as a week of Days Of Our Lives. It seems as though Berg has tried to make a fuckin’ drama out of what might have become quite an interesting and dark comedy. Gags like our hero shoving a crim’s head up another crim’s arse, how do you make that NOT funny? Berg did it, the lame cunt! How do you make Will Smith and Charlize Theron look insincere? How do you make Jason Bateman look lamer than he did in Teen Wolf Too!? At every turn the film got progressively fuckeder. Plot twists that were so heavily telegraphed that characters’ surprise at their revelation was completely unbelievable, character histories referenced in a way that made them looked like tacked-on afterthoughts that even the actors didn’t know about. Everyone knows going in that it’s a superhero movie so suspension of disbelief is hard to break, but the banal misdirection of this film succeeds at smashing it to buggery. Peter Berg, you suck! You’re a fuckin’ douche bag, get fucked!

 

 

If you haven’t seen Hancock, don’t bother. It’s cock – not hard cock, but floppy, stupid, useless cock! If you still want to see it, I say: wait till it comes on free-to-air TV then watch something else!

 

http://humor-blogs.com

Nick D’Arcy – Ambassador For A Nation Of Convicts.

Posted in Boof-head Sporto Fuckwits with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2008 by Buck Frain

 

Fuckin’ sporto jockstrap boof-head wankers! In this country, they are a priviledged class that sits above the rest of us mere mortals purely because of a genetic predisposition to be good at sport. They get worshipped, pampered and paid exorbitant amounts for playing games. It may be heresy to say in sport-obsessed Australia but what they do is of NO benefit to society. I don’t really care about any of that, what really shits my bed is that the Australian public are happy for athletes to flout the law, behave like reprobates and still be held up in the international sphere as paragons of our society.

 

Nick D’Arcy, the swimmer charged with assault over breaking another athlete’s cheek, jaw and palate when drunk and full of himself, looks as though he’ll still be going to represent Australia at the Beijing Olympics. The AOC and The Court of Arbitration For Sport are tying themselves up in knots trying to find a decent justification for letting him go that won’t make them look like the supporters of criminal violence that they are. I was disgusted to read this piece of apologist bullshit in The Age, desperately trying to illicit sympathy for a man who should be in prison rather than being endorsed as a cultural ambassador of his country.

 

The AOC is obliged to consider the consequences for D’Arcy if he is booted out. Cyclist Jobie Dajka was kicked out of the Athens team in 2004 after lying to a drug inquiry. Three years of depression and alcoholism ensued, and a suspended jail term for an assault on a cycling coach. “I was drinking six litres of wine a day to numb the pain,” Dajka said last month.

 

What the fuck was that? If he’s punished he might become a sad, violent substance abuser? Big fucking deal! He’s already a violent substance abuser, the only difference is he might get sad. What? Don’t most criminals become depressed when punished for their offences? Is that because punishment is not nice? Why is it we don’t feel sorry for ordinary crims? Could it be because the lousy fucks aren’t any good at sport? Yeah, what fucking losers!

 

What the ball-chafing fuck is wrong with this country? It’s Newton’s Third Law, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Just because sportspeople are too thick to be able to comprehend the consequences of their actions does not mean they should be exempt from those consequences. Yes, people fuck up. But the way people learn to not fuck up is through consequences. If a normal person gets drunk and smashes another person’s skull in a momentary fit of drunken rage, they go to prison. Any average crim would get laughed at if they said, Yeah, sorry I bashed him but can I still go to that sports carnival? The judge would say No, fucktard, you cannot. You can get a jolly good rogering from your cellmate for a couple of years while you learn to control yourself?

 

I’m well aware Nick D’Arcy probably feels pretty bad about what he’s done, as he fuckin’ well should, but I’d wager that most of why he feels bad is because he stands to lose something he cares about. Punishment has no meaning if it doesn’t hurt, so fuck him! 

 

The AOC needs to get its shit together and take a hard line on boof-head Nick D’Arcy. He’s a fucking criminal and, good athlete or not, he shouldn’t represent Australia in Beijing. If he does, we might as well teach our children to fight and tell them that bullying is fine if you’re good at sport. We might as well make certain our kids forget everything in their lives except sport because if you’re good at sport you can bash and rape your way through life with impunity. This is Australia. We’re convicts. Get fucked!!!


Miley Vs. G-Bay – This Week In The News

Posted in Rage Against The Machine with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2008 by Buck Frain

With all the pants-pissing over Miley Cyrus’ Vanity Fair pics, some real news all but escaped notice in the west.

 

Sami al-Haj, a Sudanese cameraman for Al-Jazeera, was released from the U.S. concentration camp at Guantanamo Bay after spending 6 years, the last 16 months of which he was on hunger strike, without charge. This man was a journalist, a reporter, imprisoned for no reason other than the fact that he was a muslim reporting on U.S. human rights violations in Afghanistan in 2001. He was never alleged to have hurt anyone nor proven to have engaged in any unlawful behaviour, however he was imprisoned, without trial or charge, tortured and deprived of the most basic human rights afforded even the most vicious rapists and murderers. For 6 years. The U.S. government still will not admit that they’ve let him go, they simply say that they have “transferred” the prisoner to his own government. The Sudanese authorities have politely indicated that they see no reason (other than his health) why he cannot return to his previous life.

 

The USA prides itself of being a paragon of virtue and freedom and yet is guilty of some of the most abhorrent human rights abuses seen in recent times. It will quickly jump to condemn other nations or groups for their transgressions but appears completely untouchable itself when committing the same and worse offences. Don’t worry, I’m not just America-bashing, John Howard’s Australia was a perversely willing accomplice to the international crimes of the United States, even when those crimes were perpetrated against one of our own citizens, David Hicks. Hicks rotted in Guantanamo for 6 years before finally being broken to confessing crimes in a desperate effort to get out. Physically and mentally devastated, he returned home a criminal to serve more prison time, and legally gagged from ever talking about elements of his ordeal. Australia could have secured his release instantly simply by asking for him back. John Howard flatly refused say a word until 51% of the population of Australia demanded he do something. But this is not news.

 

Guantanamo Bay is not news, Miley Cyrus is. The citizens of Australia, the UK and the USA are happy to be scandalised by seductive photos of a near-naked 15 year-old. We can safely fear the sexualisation of our children and suspect our menfolk of paedophilia (it’s a great photo). We can rail against the parents who pimp their children to the entertainment industry and we can be fucked off with Billy Ray Cyrus because we fucking hated Achey Breaky Heart and hoped we’d never see the lousy shit-sack ever again. The reason this is safe news and these are safe fears is because they don’t require we think about the fact that the values that underpin our societies have been abandoned. Our governments engage in illegal wars and routinely flout the values they extol. They are the worst possible kinds of criminals, hypocrites and evil-doers, perpetrating hideous crimes against humanity for financial gain thinly disguised as moral imperative. We have become the world’s bad guys. By continuing to support these democratically elected monsters we have become the bad guys. That’s just a bit too much to deal with, isn’t it? She’s hot, am I a paedo? That’s a bit easier.

 

But what happens when you do this to people? I mean, lock them up for free and torture them for years on end. What sort of person does that produce? It’s been well documented that legitimate, civilised prisons produce very angry people. What do concentration camps do? Well if you believe reports from Dubai this week, a Kuwaiti man released from Guantanamo in 2005 blew the fuck out himself and some others in a suicide bombing in Iraq recently. We can assume he wasn’t guilty of anything before going to G-Bay, because if there was even a remote possibility of his guilt he’d either still be there, or in prison, or dead. Regardless of the man’s beliefs before going to G-Bay we know he never blew himself up before. Did G-Bay produce a suicide bomber? Is Guantanamo Bay a terrorist factory?

 

I don’t know. I do know that if I was locked up for no reason, deprived of sleep, exercise or counsel. If I was held never knowing if I’d ever get out, never knowing why. If I was routinely interrogated and tortured. If this went on for years. And if then one day they let me out …I’d probably be a bit miffed. Especially if the people who locked me up still ruled the world, and if they still had all their power despite abusing it so reprehensibly…I don’t know…I might be the angriest bastard on the fuckin’ planet. I would not forgive, I would not forget and I may well dedicate the rest of my life to hurting them in any way that I could. Obviously, you can’t have a stand-up fight with a super power, they’re way too big. You have no choice but to fight dirty. I don’t know but I reckon I could be pissed off enough to blow myself to pieces if I thought I could take a couple of the cunts with me in the process.

 

I’m a big fan of life, but if I was angry enough I wouldn’t need the promise of glory in the afterlife to want to fuck people’s shit up. I’d just do it to even the scale a bit.

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #10

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2008 by Buck Frain

#10: Kyle Sandilands


If you took a spiteful, cowardly, metrosexual cane toad and dressed it up with a faux mo and a designer beard you’d have something resembling Kyle Sandilands – Australia’s Littlest Fat-Cunt. Loathing is not nearly a strong enough word to describe the feeling I have towards him. 

When interviewed on Enough Rope last year, speaking of his childhood, he painted himself as a superficial, materialistic child who fantasised about being rich, cut out pictures of crystal vases and put them in a scrap book. Now, that’s just fuckin’ creepy!

Then the traumatic tale of how he’d spent time living on the street after being kicked out of his comfortable middle-class existence by mum and step-dad for throwing a miniature Corey Delaney party when they went away. This, I’m sure, was the bit where we were supposed to see the vulnerable, human Kyle. All I saw was an angry little turd who went off half-cocked at his parents, who were rightly pissed at him, and has used that as justification for all the nastiness he’s felt inclined to inflict on the world ever since. Emotionally, it’s clear he never moved past this incident and is still an angsty, self-absorbed, attention-seeking teenager at heart. Unfortunately for everyone else in the country, instead of doing adolescent stuff like spray-painting “fuck” on a wall, he’s got a national audience and he can carve it into people’s souls with his cruel pranks and insults. 

On radio, he rapes ordinary people’s lives with no regard for the personal, emotional carnage left in his wake, and all in the name of ratings. On Australian Idol he mostly sticks to attacking girls about their physical appearance. I mean, fuck – he doesn’t know anything about music so what else is there to do? He gets paid enormous amounts of money for this, for bullying women. Why? Maybe because that’s what Australians want. I don’t know, maybe we want to see girls being bullied, maybe that’s what our society has come to – misogynist rage. 

Predictably, like all piss-weak, soft-cock, woman beaters, he never takes responsibility for his actions and he can’t take it when he’s the one copping the abuse. I will always love comedian Dave Hughes for calling him a dickhead at the Logies! Kyle snapped the carrot, repeating whenever he got the opportunity how he would punch Hughesy in the throat. Ooh, hard man! In the throat! Tough guy! He even said he was happy to do jail time pay it off, hmm, does little Kylie just want to be a big-man’s bitch? At any rate, Hughesy would kick Kyle’s stupid arse and, you know, I’d pay to see that shit, for sure.

Most recently, Kyle has had a go at TV host/ comedian/ producer/ good bloke/ icon Rove McManus. Not to his face, like a man. Not with any fear of a reply – no, leave nothing to chance, weaklings. After a phone conversation on radio with Rove – The Cane Toad slagged him off after hanging up! GROW SOME BALLS, YOU LITTLE FAT FUCK! 

Kyle Sandilands’ entire career is built upon bullying, lowbrow abuse and exploiting people from his position of power, be it as shock-jock or TV personality. Winner of Who Weekly Most Hated Man, FHM Tosser of the Year, Fugly Awards Worst Male Personality on TV, he isn’t smart, witty or funny, he’s just a sadistic child with a magnifying glass. He is devoid of empathy, he has nasty small hands and I wish I could chop him up and sell him for his blood and organs. 

I would love to smash Kyle Sandilands. Fuck you, Kyle, I hope you’re in therapy and I pray your therapist is convincing you that suicide is a valid option because, for you, IT IS!!!

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #9

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2008 by Buck Frain

#9: Lleyton Hewitt

Little Wanker. I could just leave it at that, it sort of says it all.

Straight out of the reclaimed wasteland of West Lakes SA, Lleyton Hewitt turned professional at 17 and quickly became known as Little Wanker for his on-court antics. Pumping himself up with screams of C’mon! and occasionally C’mon Balboa! in a homage to the Rocky franchise and his trademark vicht salute which he slyly appropriated from Swedish pro Niclas Kroon when the patent lapsed.  Most of the mindless, illiterate bogans who worship him refer to this as doing a Lleyton, if only they realised that it’s really signified opportunistic theft as much as victory. How very convict-chic!

In all fairness, there are very few of us who could honestly say we weren’t wankers at the age of 17, and fame and fortune can’t make that any easier. The real litmus test, however, is that a reasonable proportion of us change. Change is theoretically made easier by the presence of material wealth as it is this that facilitates choice and makes self-improvement more of an easy option. Unfortunately, Lleyton has not yet availed himself of this opportunity. Instead, the juvenile antics continue and his sporting achievements wane and then there’s this:

The former World No. 1 married Bec Cartwright – former soapie star, a girl with no discernable ability or character that might challenge or upstage L-Wank. She’s the cottage cheese of womanhood, bland and uninteresting, non-threatening, low fat and very G-rated. The sort of woman you fuck when you really just want to fuck yourself. Let’s not forget that Lleyton-lookalike Kim Klijsters might have been the girl had she not possessed talent and character. L-Wank and Bec have been cited by conservative tools like number 8 as a portrait of what hetero-sexual-nuclear-families are supposed to be like, and they have been breeding much to the delight of the tabloids and masses of overweight, Channel 9-watching fucktards. They make me want to vomit. It’s like a 1950’s Westinghouse commercial with extra blonde.

Lleyton Hewitt is a little wanker, an arseclown and a fuckstick. Childish, petulant, occasionally racist and homophobic – the little man’s boof-head. I’d love to smash Lleyton Hewitt, in the front bar with a pool cue, old-school, like the little bogan fuckwaste he is.

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #7

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2008 by Buck Frain

#7: Natalie Bassingthwaighte

If her surname alone wasn’t enough to make you want to smash her, the person herself seals the deal easily. Channel 10’s product, Bashing-twat is a portrait of bland Australian mediocrity at its most saccharine and fucked. Made a household name through her acting in the Channel 10 soap/crime-against-humanity Neighbours, she went on to pursue a singing career with The Rogue Traders, a cuntfully awful band shamelessly promoted by Channel 10 to little end. Most people still know they’re shit, despite contrived appearances to paid enthusiasm on Big Brother and anywhere else Channel 10 could squeeze them in. As a solo artist, she completely fucked her half of the duet Don’t Give Up with Channel 10’s own Shannon Noll and all the post-production in the world couldn’t hide her vocal shitness. Nowadays you can find her on Channel 10 hosting So You Think You Can Dance. I don’t care what you think of the show, Bashing-twat makes me so angry I want to smash my own house to pieces, her voice and her stupid fucking head just piss me off. I haven’t read her book, Sistahood : A Journal of Self-Discovery  that she wrote with her own sista. Get FUCKED!!!! I fucking hate the way she’s used hip-hop spelling to give herself cred with the kids. EAT MY SHIT, YOU CUNT! I won’t be reading it, even though it’s the first thing she’s done without the help of the Channel 10 puppeteers, I’m fuckin’ over it all.

Natalie Bassingthwaighte is fucking useless. Can’t act, can’t sing, can’t fucking present and with all the Botox she’s had, the poor bitch can’t even pull a face. She’s utter crap, a quasi-blonde façade, fashioned by Channel 10 executives to bore the masses into submission and make us crave a commercial break for the honest retail relief it brings. She should be taken away and quietly poisoned for the soulless, vacuous, generic mediocrity she fronts.

 

10 People I’d Love To Smash – #5

Posted in 10 People I'd Love To Smash with tags , , , , , , , , on April 16, 2008 by Buck Frain

#5: Ben Affleck

I think most people, deep down inside, even if they find him attractive, don’t really like Ben Affleck. He is recognized the world over as that arsehole who always plays arseholes in movies. I first saw him in Dazed & Confused – brilliant movie – and took an instant dislike to him. He just smacks of …cunt. He looks like that character in Mall Rats who fucks your girlfriend in the arse, and not just because he played him, but because it’s impossible to believe he’s actually not that much of a bastard. He’s the sort of person who, if you saw him copping a beating in a dark alley, rather than calling for help you’d quietly walk up and ask: Can I have a go?

 Pearl Harbour was a cunt of a film and he was shit in it, absolute shit – that song in Team America is completely justified! Daredevil, Gigli and Surviving Christmas are some of the worst films ever inflicted on the world, and again, there’s Affleck cunting it up like the shit-coated fuckbag he is.

 I’ve done a bit of research on him in preparation for this rant and, in truth, he seems remarkably well-liked and respected. He supports good causes and does a great deal to try and make life better for others. However, many people still hate his guts, not for anything he’s actually done but more because he looks like a loathsome piece of smug shit. On a purely aesthetic level, he’s a bum-chin-big-stupid-jaw bastard, he reeks of smashworthiness and I’d love to punch him right in his stupid head. Yeah, he’d probably kick my arse, but then I’d be certain he’s a bastard! Get fucked, Ben Affleck!

 Snow shovel? That’s what I’m talkin’ about!