Archive for Career

Confidence – if your singing career’s gone to crap, just get your tits out!

Posted in Wankers In Denial with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2008 by Buck Frain

What the fuck’s going on in the world? I thought I had a fair handle on it all, the 80’s were over and even The Church Of Scientology was failing to help Kate Ceberano from fading into obscurity where she belongs. All of a sudden everywhere I turn, on bus shelters and the appropriately-obsolete phone boxes there she is: moose-jawed, proud-as-punch, showing off her tits.

Those who know me will understand how out-of-character it is for me to complain about tits on display – I’m a big fan of breasts. I guess, I just don’t really need Kate’s. Again, I’m glad she’s not singing and before everyone goes mental – yes, I do applaud the use of models with real bodies as opposed to the photoshopped, surgically-enhanced skeletons who resemble pre-pubescent boys that we’re usually bombarded with.

What I don’t like is the Ceberano. Considering all the impoverished but talented, hard-working musicians out there, Kate Ceberano has made a killing out of being complete bollocks. It’s an insult, it’s a travesty, it gives me the CUNT!!! And then to top it all off, when she should have crawled off to die quietly in a corner somewhere, when even the deaf wankers who liked her have forgotten her and jumped on the Andrea Bocelli band-wagon, she turns up again as wank-fodder for the homeless. I’m fucked if I understand this move, the campaign is just so crass.

Is it just denial? Is she so out of touch she feels that a flash of the norks is a way back into the ears of Australia? Is it just another piece of couch-jumping-maniacally-optimistic craziness? Hey, yeah – bugger integrity, let’s just plumb the depths of desperation and do a dodgy lingerie campaign: sex sells records, Kate, and fuck knows you’ve never had anything to offer as an artist, this may be the career defibrillation you need – get ’em out!!! Kate Ceberano gives me roaring-vindaloo shits and I wish she would just put them away and fuck the fucking-fuck off!

Pamphlet Monkeys – Stupid, Bastards or Both?

Posted in Crap Jobs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2008 by Buck Frain

It was raining this morning. I was disappointed to find that the postman had been unable to get my letter all the way into my letterbox and as a result it was a little wilted from the rain. It wasn’t the postie’s fault, one of the local pamphlet monkeys had stuffed my letterbox to the brim with catalogues from Big W and a whole host of other corporate propagandists. Incidentally, my letterbox does have a clear legible label, politely written with: No Advertising Material Accepted Thank You!

This happened a couple of months ago. I rang Big W and spoke to their person-who-deals-with-this-sort-of-thing and calmly explained that their pamphlet monkey needed to be re-educated in basic sign recognition. She assured me that they’d “get on it” and thanked me for my politeness. 

So what the SHIT-EATING JESUS is going on? Do I have a new illiterate monkey in my neighbourhood? Do my monkeys have memory problems so the conditioning only lasts a couple of months? WHAT THE FUCK??? I fucking hate this shit. I mean everyone hates spam in their email. But this is worse, this is the original, REAL spam. It’s fucked not only because you don’t need or want it. It’s fucked because it fills up your mailbox so your real mail has to hang out in the rain. It’s fucked because it would be better left as trees that give us oxygen and facilitate our continued existence on planet Earth. It’s fucked because I asked them really nicely to CUNTING WELL STOP and now they’ve started again! 

If I was doing that cuntingly useless job, I’d try and find a way to deliver less pamphlets not more. A mate of mine in high school was a pamphlet monkey for a while. He hated it, said the money was shit even back then when we were all broke and any money at all was cool. His scam was to do his round in a really half-arsed way so only one in five houses got a pamphlet and then dump the rest in the building site behind his house, it was genius…until they sprung him, but he figured they were ripping him off so he’d just rip a bit back.

My local monkey must be a complete idiot. I’m all for shit people having jobs, but how do you fuck a job like that up? Even if you can’t fuckin’ read you can learn that sign on mailbox mean no pamphlet. Can’t you, you fucktards? I could train a dog to understand that! Either my monkey is a complete bastard and he’s doing it deliberately or Big W just think they can break my spirit with a WWII-style propaganda drop. Well, if it is Big W, they can bloody well go fuck themselves. I won’t be shopping at Big W-A-N-K-E-R-S, it doesn’t matter how many trees they shove through my letterbox, they won’t break me. And if it’s just a psychological problem that my pamphlet monkey is suffering, I may just have to grab my trusty cricket bat and re-educate the fucker myself.