Archive for Apocalypse

Avian Swine Flu Pandemic Berserker.

Posted in Tales From Hell with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2009 by Buck Frain

SWINE_FLU_WARNING

Swine flu! Fucking swine flu! We’re all going to die! Fuck, let’s all run around like stupid ill-informed fucktards until we drop dead from exhaustion or get murdered by someone sick to their back teeth with our mindless hysteria!

It seems the whole cunting world has lost its shit over the latest style of cold. Last year it was bird flu. Everyone was pissing themselves that bird flu was going to destroy the world. What happened? Fuck all. This year it’s swine flu. At my workplace we all got a patronising fucking email from HR last week telling us all to be vigilant about hygiene in view of the threat of the swine flu pandemic, to use tissues when touching door knobs and never to put our hands near our faces because that’s how germs are spread. Then today I come to work to discover that anti-bacterial handwash dispensers have been installed all over the fucking place. Yes, I’m fucking serious! For cunt’s shitting sake! There’s only been one reported case of swine flu in the whole of Australia and even worldwide the disease, generally speaking, just makes people a bit sick. Naturally the media are going to beat it up into the biggest thing in since sliced bread but anyone with half a brain knows it’s all a pile of horseshit. Add to that, that swine flu is a virus not bacterial so the logic behind installing anti-bacterial goo dispensers becomes even more obscure. 

The people in this building are fucking idiots. Panic over a disease that one person in Australia might have, wash your hands ‘til the skin drops off…but then stuff your obese pie hole with Krispy Kreme and McDonald’s – but it gives me comfort – Fuck yeah, fear the swine flu! Fuck knows, heart disease never killed anyone did it ya fat cunts? You’re gonna die of pig’s arse not pig’s fucking flu. I fucking well despair at the lack of perspective, the blind fear and the wanton stupidity. 

The human race is a blight on the face of the Earth. I watched that tossy remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still last night and I have to side with Klaatu on this…well…before his superior intelligence gave way to emasculated sentimental fuckheadedness and he left the whole planet to be destroyed by people because we’re vulnerable and occasionally nice to each other. What the shit??? 

Fuck everybody, I say! Bring on the swine flu pandemic. May it mutate with avian flu and create a berserker-super-virus that dessimates the human population and leaves us cowed and beaten, fighting for survival against mutant flying pigs. I’d be prepared to die for the cause just so long as a good 5 billion or so useless cretins bite the dust with me. The planet is grotesquely over-populated and the human race is too selfish, infantile and stupid to ever make the necessary decisions to save it. We need an apocalyptic catastrophe to make what remains of humanity consider changing the way they do things. Nothing short of near-annihilation will get the message through, we’re just not smart enough for subtle hints. Stupid fucking monkeys! Survival of the fattest is not sustainable, it never fucking was. Bring on epic Darwinian cruelty! The dinosaurs had their time and we’ve had ours. Hell, if any of us survive we can use the dead as fertilizer and replant the bloody planet! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHH!!!

Australia – Rule #1: Don’t Spill Ya Piss!

Posted in Human Stupidity with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 13, 2008 by Buck Frain

 

When I was in college a couple of my dear friends made up a list of rules for life. Rule number one was Don’t spill ya piss! (For the international visitors: “piss” is a colloquial term for any alcoholic beverage). The other rules slip my mind, the important thing was that every odd rule was Don’t spill ya piss!

 

Today I read this article about a driver pulled over in the Northern Territory who allowed his five year old child to sit on the floor of his car whilst his precious, his carton of beer, was safely secured to the back seat with a seat belt, between two other seat-belted adults. What a complete wanker.

 

This is about as Aussie as you can get. The only real cultural identity we have, outside of an unhealthy obsession with sports, is a culture of binge drinking which places more value on alcohol than even the safety of our own children. I suppose it’s only fitting seeing as the first currency of colonised Australia was rum.

 

When people ask me why I’m not patriotic I tell them because most of the people in any country are complete fuckwits, Australia is no different and I can’t really get fired up to associate myself with fuckwits. Patriotism is an archaic pile of horseshit, it’s just another version of tribalism, sectarianism, or a whole bunch of other –isms that attempt to disguise a very base animal behaviour, the aim of which is to alienate and ultimately kill anything other. Fuckin’ stupid monkeys! The only benefit in pulling this guy over and stopping him from killing everyone in his car was the possibility he might have taken a useful citizen or two with him.

 

I love a drink, beer is a great friend of mine, but people like this cunt just make me wish for the stupid-bomb to hurry up and cleanse the world of this plague of fools. Bring on the idiot apocalypse! Die you useless fucks! Please just die!

Smile – it’s not that bad :)

Posted in Random Shit That Gives Me The Cunt with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2008 by Buck Frain

I’m not an unhappy person. Despite what you might think of me, I am happy and I enjoy life a fair bit of the time. One problem I do seem to have though, is that I’m not a naturally smiley person. I’m just not like that. I don’t think I walk around looking particularly gloomy but maybe my face doesn’t naturally hang in a smiley place. Maybe random, unjustified glee is just not my normal state. Whatever the reason, it seems to be a bit of a bug-bear for occasional random people. Enough of a problem that total strangers seem to think it’s OK to give me emotional coaching out-of-the-blue. Just for free.

Has this happened to you? You’ll be working, or reading, or doing something that requires your concentration, when some random fuck walks up and says something vacuous like, Hey, smile, it’s not that bad. Not that bad? What the cunt would you know? Or: Oh, cheer up! Who the fuck are these people? What the shit-spread-toast is their problem? Whoa, who died? Smile, man! I wish these smug, shit-sucking bastards would just go and hang themselves. There is nothing guaranteed to shit me off faster than some piece of patronising banal social instruction from a complete fucktard. NOTHING pisses me off quicker than being instructed to display the external signals of an emotion just for someone else’s visual pleasure.

Why should I smile, you cunts? WHY? What are you so cuntingly happy about? Really, I want to know! What is it that has you pissing yourself with joy 24 hours a day? Is it Prozac? Are you on a bi-polar manic high? Or do you just do it to fuck with people? Is it some fucking sadistic fetish because you know how much it gives people the cunt? Fuck you! Fucking DIE!

You know what I think? I think you’re in denial. I think it’s YOU that doesn’t get it. So here’s a dose of reality for you: There is a plague of over 6 billion people on Earth. As a species we are consuming the planet’s resources at an unsustainable rate and poisoning our the environment to a point where it will become uninhabitable by humans within 100 years. We are hurling ourselves towards the apocalypse and our governments are helping make it happen. All the pissy little things you think are reasons-to-be-happy are distractions put there to protect what’s left of society from the anarchy that would reign if everyone woke up to the truth of our impending extintion. Our grandchildren may well be the last generation of  human beings ever, and yet when they ask us what we were doing about it, we’ll have to tell them we were busy smiling and watching The Biggest Loser.

So smile it up all you want. Be cheery, buy a happy meal, go to a laughter-therapy class. I don’t bug you, I don’t point out all the things you should feel shit about, do I? Eh? NO! So fuck off! Leave me be and don’t try to convert me to be a part of your cult of denial. If you choose to interrupt me just to tell me that you want me to smile, I’ll cut your cunting head off and shove it up your stupid arse where you can grin to your heart’s content without annoying me.  Ah, smile, it’s not that bad! No, it’s a fuckload worse, you deranged freak!