Archive for the Tourist Attractions That Suck Category

Desperately Seeking Cunty Fuck Fuck.

Posted in Tourist Attractions That Suck with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 5, 2008 by Buck Frain


I usually steer away from talking about my blog. It’s pretentious and self-referential and it breaks my fourth wall, revealing me as just another lonely twat with a nerd-box typing unread nothings into the ether of cyberspace in a vain attempt to stave off the suicidal meaninglessness of existence in an emotionally and morally bankrupt empire-in-decline at the twilight of my species.

 

Morning, bitches, how are YOU feeling today?

 

Enough self-pity – it’s winter and I’m sick a-cunting-gain so get fucked!

 

I’ve been stewing on this for a while but seeing as I’ve now had over 25,000 page views I figured I should share some of this stuff with you – the readers who made it happen. For those of you not from here, wordpress is a wonderful place and provides me with all sorts of interesting tools to see where my traffic is coming from. Sounds exciting, huh? I say traffic and you imagine lanes and lanes of speeding vehicles glinting in the sunlight as they cruise sleekly up information super-highways on their way to infinity but that’s not quite what it’s like, you should probably picture the occasional lonely, dented, curb-crawling sedan coughing its way around a dimly lit cul-de-sac before being chased away by armed, angry crack-whore-trannies – it’s closer to the truth.

 

However, returning to my point, I did have one, it wasn’t just the cold and flu tablets speaking – How people find me – I’m constantly amazed by the terms people type into search engines that lead them to me. It’s become something of an obsession now because so many of them either freak me out or make me laugh. I’ve no idea how search engines work but I get a real kick out of this so here’s some of my faves: 

 

  •  Kyle Sandilands is a cunt – yes he is. This fills me with joy every time it comes up, which is quite often.
  • Wank me, mum – oh dear. This wasn’t what you were looking for at all, was it? Did you zip the pants back up and read on or did you leave and go somewhere else? 
  • Pounding freak hardcore – Hmm…another disappointment, I fear. 
  • Sluthead – Brilliant! I never knew anyone other than my brother ever used this word.
  • Cut Scrotum – If you’ve cut the bag, what the cunt are you doing Googling it? Did I help or did you bleed out under yopur computer desk? Fuck it! Dial 000, people!
  • Fellatiophobia – I thought I invented that word but it’s out there. Is it a real phobia? I’ve no idea. Genius!
  • Cunty fuck fuck – I have no idea what prompts this as a search term but it is absolutely brilliant. I love that someone found me using this. What were you looking for? Were you disappointed? Did you ever return? I would love to hear the story of how cunty fuck fuck came to be typed into a search engine.

 

I feel I’ve firmly carved out a niche for myself at the bottom of that barrel that is the internet. If you type something dodgy into a search engine, sooner or later you’ll find me. This makes me happy. It’s where I belong. Whether you came here looking for a crafty 3G phone-wank or because you enjoy a good bitch about the injustices and annoyances of the world I welcome you. I hope you enjoy your stay, feel free to invite your friends. To the people who think I’m some kind of sicko, psycho and/or a menace to society: I laugh at your sad existence and hope someone shits in your letterbox.

“Rambo” – The Big Merino

Posted in Tourist Attractions That Suck with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2008 by Buck Frain

Australia is really big and flat and empty. The roads are long and if you’re travelling you eventually have to stop somewhere (inevitably in some dog-fucking backwater) to refuel, re-hydrate and eat. In the hope of encouraging your stop, and the minor financial benefit it brings, small communities all over the country have created tourist attactions that …well, suck.

In the sheep-wheat country of NSW, the rural city of Goulburn has The Big Merino, a fucking enormous concrete sheep affectionately known as “Rambo” by the culturally starved locals. He’s 50 ft high and 60 ft long weighs a shitload. Almost a year ago he was moved 800m up the highway, for reasons nobody will ever care about, but the move was the most exciting thing that had happened in Goulburn since Rambo first appeared in 1985.

Below his enormous, pendulous ballbag there is a gift shop where you can buy things made out of wool and/or sheepskin. There is also a café where you can buy greasy truck-stop food. For the truly adventurous, there is the walk up inside Rambo, to look out his eyes at the amazingly picturesque FUCK ALL that surrounds him. There is NOTHING TO SEE HERE!!!

Sheep are stupid and boring, even when they’re really big. This monstrosity is a testament to the damaging effects of isolation on the imagination. If you take your kids here they will hate you unless, of course, they’re a bit weird and really want to see a huge pair of cement sheep balls. This really is a tourist attraction that SUCKS! Fuck you, Goulburn!