Archive for October 31, 2009

10 Dead People I’ll Joyfully Slaughter Again When They Come Back As Zombies.

Posted in Specials with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 31, 2009 by Buck Frain

The Halloween Special, 2009.

In Australia we don’t really give a fuck about Halloween but we’re all just a little jealous of countries that do celebrate it because it looks like fun. If only we could stop drinking alcohol, turn the sport off for a second or be arsed putting some effort in to dressing up like freaks for a non-sporting occasion. If only we weren’t too paranoid to let our children knock on strangers doors for fear they get fingered by one or more of the many pedos infesting our imploding society.

Anyway, in the spirit of all things Halloween I thought I’d share a little list of people I missed out on the opportunity of butchering the first time they were alive, a list of 10 dead people I’ll joyfully slaughter again when they come back as zombies.

10. John Wayne. 

john_wayne

Fuck you, John Wayne! What a fucking tool. For convincing inarticulate, box-headed, drawling lummoxes everywhere that they could be heroes, fuck off! Way to overcompensate for being named Marion. No six-shooter for you, zombie John Wayne, it’s a shotgun wound to the head!

9. Jane Austen.

jane_austen

Jane-piss-weak-cunting-Austen, I fucking had to read your shit in high school and endure innumerable bullshit TV and movie adaptations – forced upon be by many an ex-girlfriend – of your horrendous bourgeois bollocking on and on and on about how to get a rich cock without looking either materialistic or slutty. Oh Mr. Darcy, your sideburns are so becoming if only I could get your wealthy member up my back passage without it seeming shameful to Pater. You boring, boring cunt, Jane Austen, you’ll be marginally more interesting as a zombie but it’ll be a joy blast your stupid face apart with a musket.

8. Ricardo Montalban

khan

Mr. Roarke in Fantasy Island AND Khan in Star Trek II. Ricardo was a fucking hard-man and a star. I would kill him with full respect. He’s a fucking legend! I was tempted to put that fucking little prick who played Tattoo on the list as well but he’s just a little cunt and doesn’t really deserve a listing of his own, I’d kill him for sure but not here, I’d use the leftover energy I had from killing…

7. Franz Kafka.

kafka

It’s not fashionable to hate Kafka but I don’t give a fuck. He was a boring, sickly, whiny little pissant! Fuck him and his long fucking sentences. Fucking middle class wankstick, and fuck you if you like him! Oh, I’m so weak and sick and not really troubled about money; everyone ignores me because I’m so pathetic and oh no I had a nightmare that I turned into a cockroach last night because Daddy was mean to me because I’m a sorry waste of jizz. Suck it up, Kafka, ya worthless bug, I’m stompin’ your zombie head to bits with my boots until it completely comes away from that weedy insect body!

6. Elvis Presley.

Dead_Elvis

Oh shut up and stop crying. He fucking well is dead and you knew it all along. When he was alive he was a fucking toadie for J. Edgar Hoover, and big fat junkie ballbag. Yeah, he’s the most famous cover artist in the world but I don’t give a shit. I’m gonna smash his head apart with a big old heavy ceramic toilet bowl! Fuck off!

5. Charlton Heston.

charlton_heston

From my cold dead hands… *BOOM* Shotgun blast to the head. Fuck you, zombie-Charlton, you old cunt! You were a star and then you just degenerated into a fucked up old crackpot. You fucking lost it and you fucking deserve your rotten brain splattered all over my driveway!

4. Margaret Thatcher.

MargaretThatcher

OK. Strictly speaking she hasn’t died the first time yet but it can’t be long and in truth it’s questionable whether there was ever really any living humanity within the iron bint. Fuck you, Maggie, 20 years may have sentimantalised you in the minds of many but I know you’re an evil old shitter and I’ll thoroughly enjoy smashing your brains out with a Steinway grand piano.

3. David Carradine.

david-carradine

I fucking love David Carradine. He was Kane in Kung Fu. He was Grasshopper! He was hardcore and my respect for him is in no way diminished by the fact that he died tied up neck-to-cock in a chokey wank accident. Fuckin’ way to go out! He’d be a hardcore zombie and out of respect I’ll save my ammo and waste him with a samurai sword.

2. Mrs Sally Scott aka Sand Bags.

predator-pumpkin

A bit obscure? She was a teacher of mine in primary school and one of the most evil people I’ve ever met. Someone born with a true malice for children and driven by that hate to make their lives as unpleasant as possible. Known as Sand Bags for her saggy, waist-level breasts, she hated everyone. Above is an actual photograph of her taken in 1984. it doesn’t show the pendulous breasts but you get the idea. She beat kids with her hands, rulers and blackboard dusters, forbade them going to the toilet to dire and embarrassing effect, she was insidious in the way she would undermine a child’s confidence, happiness and imagination and I could go on. Trust me she was fucked! When I asked my mate Rob if he was going to have a party for his 10th birthday he said Nah! I’m savin’ all my party stuff ‘til Mrs Scott dies! He wasn’t kidding, he never had a birthday party as long as I knew him. She died after I left town. I never found out if he had that party. I’ll fucking chop that old bitch up with a fucking axe! I’m tempted to dig the old bitch up for a chop even if there isn’t a zombie apocalypse.

1. Stan Zemanek. 

stan_zemanek_still_dead_still_a_cunt

What a rotten old cunt! Reactionary, right-wing purveyor of ignorance, TV personality and talk-back radio fuckhead Stan Zemanek was such a toxic human being that his own brain got the shits up and killed him rather than stay in his head. I was so fucking happy when this old bastard died  two years ago that I still smile about it now. He was the fucking worst and if any of his family members are reading this. FUCK YOU! I’M GLAD THE OLD CUNT’S DEAD! YOU’RE WRONG, HE WASN’T A NICE PERSON, HE WAS FUCKED BECAUSE HE MADE A KILLING OUT OF ENCOURAGING PREJUDICE AND STUPIDITY!!! I’ll hobble that old bastard with two blows from a sledgehammer. One to each knee. Then as he kneels glassy-eyed before me I’ll swing that hammer out in a wide horizontal arc gooshing his ugly-Vader-with-his-mask-off head forever. 

You know what?…I think I’m gonna go and have a shit on his grave tonight! Right on it!

Ah…I feel better. Happy Halloween!