On Cutting The Cheese.

No, this is not about farts.


I love innovation, I really do, but there has to be a fucking limit. Mainland Cracker Cuts. What the shit-spread toast is wrong with people? Little packets of pre-cut, cracker-sized squares of cheese. WHAT THE FUCK??? I realise cheese slices are not new and while I find them somewhat degrading to cheese I accept that jaded mums with too many lunches to pack in the morning, sandwich bars and burger joints can’t survive without them. It’s not usually even real cheese but I’ll accept that there is a need of sorts for that product even if really it’s only laziness disguised as a need. Likewise, pre-grated cheese I can see serves a purpose – you’re making pizzas, last thing you want is to spend an hour grating your knuckles into the cheese. I can cope with that. 

But Mainland Cracker Cuts are a different matter. This is not a product aimed at someone frantically churning out sandwiches or making pizzas as fast as they can. This is a product for some gormless middle class cunt who just can’t be fucked cutting cheese for his cracker to accompany the bottle of Shiraz he knocks back after dinner. There’s no pressure, there’s no rush – it’s cracker time, for fuck’s sake! WHAT SORT OF ABOMINABLE SHIT-SACK CAN’T BE ARSED CUTTING HIS OWN FUCKING CHEESE??? GET YOUR BUTLER TO DO IT YOU DIRTY FUCKER!!! It’s no more work to cut a slice of cheese than it is to unseal the re-closable packet and pull the pre-cut slice out. Even without putting down the glass of red you can manage to cut cheese, assemble it onto a cracker and put it in your mouth. HOW FUCKING LAZY ARE YOU??? WHAT, ARE YOU IN PRISON? DON’T THEY LET YOU HAVE KNIVES??? WHAT SORT OF PRISON LETS YOU EAT CHEESE AFTER LIGHTS OUT??? 

Now just to get things straight, I’m a big fan of Mainland cheeses. They make some pretty bloody good cheeses and I am a regular buyer of their Colby, Tasty and Vintage to name but three. So this has nothing to do with me having a problem with the company, however, the cretinous, pony-tailed marketing ballbag who came up with this idea should be fucking horse-whipped, castrated with a rusty cheese knife and choked to death with his own balls. Mainland Cracker Cuts are an insult to a species with opposable thumbs and tool-making abilities. We’ve been using knives for 2.5 million years. They are a mark of our humanity. If you can’t be bothered using a knife to cut your cheese then I say get the fuck back to the jungle and eat berries, you fucking chimp! YOU DON’T DESERVE CHEESE!!! 

If I ever visit someone’s house and find they have these shitting Cracker Cuts in their fridge I’ll just fucking snap the carrot and kill them. I’M FUCKING SERIOUS!!! Even if they are a friend, even if I love them, it’s a sure sign that they’ve lost the fucking plot and the only reasonable response to it is pure, undiluted murderous rage. IF YOU WANT CHEESE ON A CRACKER, CUT IT YOUR CUNTING SELF!!!

14 Responses to “On Cutting The Cheese.”

  1. They could have at least made it light cheese so the lazy cunts wouldn’t get so fat.

  2. DMorgan Says:

    One could same the same for “Lunchables” Handy precut eats are quite handy if on the road, or stuck in a cubicle, but if used to make more complex meals, sure, that’s a bit lazy.

  3. Brillant, I love products like this. A total lack of logical thought means yet another perishable product that won’t sell is now on the shelves at the shops. Which means very soon I will be buying conviently sliced cheese for “Reduced to clear, 50c”.

  4. Pretty soon people will want their bread sliced!!!

  5. I meant crackers.

  6. Great site man. I was wondering if we could possible exchange links. Let me know what you think about my humor blog.


  7. This is a funny site you have going on here man. Just wanted to stop by and tell you how I felt. I was wondering if you could take a look at my humor blog and maybe we can exchange links.

    Let me know.


  8. Buck you’ve done it again!

    OMG speaking of that; What about those McCain frozen potatos?
    Cubed, sliced or sweet potato sliced… PEEL YOUR OWN GODDAMN POTATOES!
    And if Mum’s are so busy, get one kid to peel them, and the other to cut them! GEEZ


  9. Merley: fuck yes. Children ought to be trained in the culinary arts and anything that will make them competent, independent adults. As a personal note, both times I’ve been in love has been with men that cooked: this second one is a genius in the kitchen.

  10. Hey Buckley, given that you warn us this rant is not about farts, perhaps you should do one on farts. Do you have a wealth of hatred for people who gassify public transit…

  11. Hey Buck, I think you should write a ranting piece about how annoying it is to have people always suggesting what you should write your next rant about.

  12. Hey Buckley, I’ve read most of your articles and Cunt fucking Jesus I reckon you should be a comedian, shit you could make more money than Billy Ocnnolly with this material and its just sitting here on the net for any wanker who can use google to flog! Trademark this shit! I also think you are spot on with most of what you’re saying so good on ya for saying it. Keep it up.

  13. Pre-cut cheese is pretty lazy, almost as lazy as blogging only once every 2 months.

  14. cutting comment from Joey! hee hee!

    What gives? are you living in the South of France on royalties from this “talking picture” movie? hee hee!

    note: double “hee hees” because it has been a while.

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