Archive for February, 2009

On Filming The Ginger Minge Of Hate.

Posted in Shit That Sucks & Blows with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2009 by Buck Frain

 

Every so often an idea comes along that is so comprehensively stupid one has to consider moving to a country where it’s easier to buy firearms. I was reading this article about idea-starved, fuckstick filmmakers Leanne Tonkes and Steve Kearney who have apparently managed to weasel over $110,000 of government funding to develop a biopic on the life of Pauline Hanson.

 

What the fuck???

 

For those of you who don’t live in Australia or remember, Pauline Hanson is a national joke that people stopped laughing at the better part of a decade ago. In the mid 90s she rose to notoriety for being an ignorant, bitter old racist fish and chip shop owner who decided to stop selling heart disease to the bogan masses of Ipswich in favour of peddling xenophobia and right-wing reactionary hate as a politician. And didn’t the rednecks love her? Half of Queensland wanted her cannonised and the other half just wanted to fuck her – sick bastards! Either way it was good business at the polls and conservative politicians all over the country got very nervous. But she was complete bollocks and after a few years everyone got sick of her crap and she disappeared in disgrace with a fraud conviction and a stint in jail. Nowadays, she’s a minor celebrity and was most recently seen on Dancing With The Stars, methinks probably because most stars thought it was a fucked show and producers needed to make up the numbers somehow.

pauline2 

Who the dead-cat-up-the-arse thought making a film out of this was a good idea? Who the have-a-shit-right-on-me-Jesus gives money to fuckwits pitching bullshit like this? Film Victoria, that’s who. That’s right, the state government funding body set-up to squander public money on film projects with absolutely no commercial or artistic merit and undermine an already crippled film industry. But fuck, what do I know? Maybe it’s a great idea. I mean they made successful films about Nixon, JFK and Ghandi so why not? But, oh yeah, they did stuff. They had an impact on the world they lived in. They weren’t DEADBEAT, BIGOTTED, BLOODNUT BITCHES, WERE THEY??? NO, THEY CUNTING WELL WEREN’T!!! I MIGHT AS WELL MAKE A FUCKING FILM ABOUT MY BOGAN FUCKING NEIGHBOUR – HE’S A REAL CUNT AS WELL!!!

 

It’s OK, I’m calm. So. Things the panel at Film Victoria should have discussed or at least thought about that may have helped them realise they were feeding a turkey.

 

  • What is the fucking genre? It doesn’t have enough pathos to be drama, it’s too lame to be comedy, it sure ain’t a western, there are no thrills, no sci-fi, maybe a bit of horror if you’re lucky, let’s hope to Christ it’s not porn – ew! Who the shit wants to see some poor prick banging away at the ginger minge of hate? No, it’s a biopic – the least cinematically interesting type of film you can make, so, artistically you’re fucked from the outset.
  • The biopic can only be commercially successful if there are people who are interested in the central character’s life and that can afford cinema tickets, so commercially you’re fucked as well.
  • Pauline Hanson is a mean-spirited offensive cunt and a purveyor of ignorance who has never had anything to say and has failed at pretty much everything she’s ever attempted. Why would anyone care to pay money to watch a film about her?
  • Who is the target audience? Foreign audiences aren’t going to pay to watch this shit and Australian audiences generally despise Australian films unless they’ve won significant critical acclaim or better: foreign approval first…and even then they’ll probably wait for it to come out on DVD then borrow it off their movie-buff mate and use it as a coaster. The only people who will pay to watch this dross are the middle-aged rednecks with a medically enhanced stiffy for Pauline Hanson and you’ll be fucked if you think there are enough of those old cunts to put the film into the black.

 

I think Film Victoria have been sucked in by the producers’ claims to have been in touch with superstar Cate Blanchett about the role. Let’s face it, people will pay good money to watch anything with a star of Blanchett’s magnitude in it. But let’s look carefully at what they say:

 

“She’s very busy,” Kearney admits. “It really depends if we deliver a script she likes.”

 

Now, I don’t know Cate Blanchett, but think about this just a little bit. Apart from being one of the greatest actors on the world Cate Blanchett is polite. She’s not me, if you came to me with an idea like this I’d tell you to go fuck your mother and threaten to kill your pets if you ever darkened my doorstep again. She’s very busy. It really depends if we deliver a script she likes. Which if she’s seen it she obviously doesn’t yet and if she hasn’t it just means you turd-polishing fucks will have to make something really fucking amazing. Maybe NOT a crappy biopic about a non-entity. Get the hint, fuckheads, she hates the idea! Maybe if you decided to make a film about something a bit less SHIT you might have some luck.

 

Hmm…maybe, but the poor cunts wouldn’t get any funding from Film Victoria then, would they?

Hunting The Bogeyman.

Posted in Things Rank And Gross In Nature with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2009 by Buck Frain

OK, so here I am. Again. Back at my stupid, stupid, fucky old job facilitating the acquisition of accurate research data for sociopathic multi-nationals. Ticking boxes and going through the motions for malevolent, imbecilic and monstrous bints. Yeah, it sucks but what really fucks with me is how the cancer of toxic personality trickles its way down the corporate ladder infecting everyone in the whole organisation.

I went to the staff toilet on our floor today. I think it’s the first time I’ve been to the toilet whilst at work since I’ve been back. No, not because I’m afraid, but because I don’t drink enough water, although after today’s experience I don’t want to go back. Standing at the urinal I couldn’t help but notice that the wall at eye level was spattered with bogeys. I’m not talking about a dried phlegmy spit which is gross but quite common to see in male toilets, but a serious spattering of crusty boogers.

I examined the form and pattern trying to work out what the volcanic arsehole was going on. There was no way this was just an unguarded sneeze, there must have been over 100 of them. This was a conscious and premeditated work undertaken over months while I’ve been absent. It was a veritable nose-goblin collection that Stimpy himself would have been proud of. I was fucking appalled!

stimpy_nose_goblins

So, was the Bogey Collector just leaning back while pissing and blowing the loose bogeys out onto the wall? No. I don’t think so. That may have been how it started but it had since gotten way out of control. He really liked this. He liked putting the bogeys up and he loved that they were staying there and that there was nowhere else to look but at them. There were some that were definitely picked, I could see what looked like smear marks trailing from some of them. This meant he was standing there, pissing, dick in one hand, other hand stuck up his nose fishing out grunties and then wiping them on the wall. Now that is just cunting well wrong! I don’t blame the cleaners for not cleaning the bogeys off. That’s not their job, this is vandalism, this is some crazy fucking act of mucus terrorism. ONE OF THEM HAS A CUNTING GREAT HAIR IN IT, FOR SHIT’S SAKE!!! Quick – call forensics! I need that fucker DNA tested so I can track this snot-fiend down.

I left the toilet. Nauseated. Outraged. Bogeys on the fucking wall! WHY!!! It doesn’t hurt The Wobblers, they don’t use the gents…maybe they do – eew!!! As a form of protest it is completely redundant. It’s just fucking gross. It only serves to further demoralise people who hate being there anyway. Even the most inarticulate graffiti has a message, this has no message… Or does it? Is it just a pure emotional expression? Is it a visceral interpretation of the rage generated by corporate containment and the impotence of the individual? Is this the post-modern answer to conventional graffiti? Could this be the future of street art? NO! NO! NO! IT’S NOT AND IT SHITTING WELL COULDN’T!! IT’S BOGEYS ON A MOTHER-FUCKING WALL!!! IT’S FUCKING FILTHY AND WHEN I FIND YOU, BOGEY COLLECTOR, I’LL FUCKING EXPOSE YOU FOR THE SHIT-EATING, CUNTFUL DEVIATE YOU ARE!!!

DON’T SMEAR YOUR FUCKING BOGEYS ON WALLS!!!

I WILL FUCKING FIND YOU!!!

ARSE!!!