11 Shit Things That Make Share-Living Suck – #6

#6. Burning The Midnight Toast.

 

This particular share-house phenomenon took its name from a quite inoffensive event. After a suitably boozy night when several members of the house had returned late from their respective nights out, we arose to find two ice-cold pieces of blackened toast sticking out of the top of the toaster. Beside the toaster sat the butter and there was an unused butter knife on the counter over an open cutlery drawer. The evidence all pointed to someone being so heavily shit-pantsed that they’d decided to make toast but either forgot the cause part-way through, or weren’t up to completing the task and just went off to bed. As each member of the house surfaced, they were asked: 

Hey, who was burning the midnight toast last night?

 

It was loveably roguish behaviour and burning the midnight toast made its way into the household’s vernacular as a euphemism for any strange domestic rearrangements that may have taken place overnight, possibly under the influence of intoxicants.

 

Unfortunately, the term began to lose its lustre as it became used as an excuse for all sorts of unpleasant indiscretions. The following are all 100% genuine questions we had to, and did, ask house-mates over the course of several months:

 

Excuse me, do you know who…

 

     …left an uncooked cake in the oven?

 

     …owns the dildo on the couch?

 

     …kicked over the stereo?

 

     …ordered a prostitute?

 

     …screamed abuse at the neighbours last night?

 

     …left a used condom on the kitchen floor?

 

     …tried to poke vomit down the plug-hole in the bathtub?

 

     …had a piss in the fridge?

 

It’s bad, bad, bad, wrong, wrong, WRONG!!! Everyone has their moments and most people burn the midnight toast at some point but there are limits, people, FUCKING LIMITS!!! Get help, get counselling, go to rehab, leave me the stomped-ballbag alone because I don’t want to fucking well live with you filthy fucking animals ANY-CUNTING-MORE!!!

4 Responses to “11 Shit Things That Make Share-Living Suck – #6”

  1. Pissing in the fridge and the uncooked cake in the oven are probably the ones that would make me most nervous.

    Very uncalled for behaviour.

  2. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Would you sue my bastard freebasing anus if I turned these into a calendar for my own filthy student shared house? Naturally I’d have to find a 12th image and description, for the last month. Or just a photo. A big fat middle finger, perhaps.

  3. Buck Frain Says:

    John Q Wagonwheel,

    No I wouldn’t sue you or your anus regardless of its parentage or substance abuse habits. Hell, I’m not Walt Disney nor do I have anything like his legion of legal vultures.

    I would consider it a grand courtesy if you’d credit me with the content and feature the site address on the calendar but what the cunt am I gonna do about it if you choose not to? Probably not much, I’m still working for the man…well, actually for a pair of obese wobbling bints but they kinda look like men.

    If you suddenly got rich off Buck calendars I’d want some cash but otherwise publish away with my blessings.

    Cheers,
    Buck

  4. John Q Wagonwheel Says:

    Dear Buck,

    Thank you kindly for your permission. I have already shoved your web address into the faces of my unsuspecting housemates and it was naturally going to feature on the calendar. Thank you also for disabusing me of the idea that this was, in fact, the blog of Michael Eisner’s deranged Australian alter ego.

    As regards your bosses – if you can’t find the snatch, it’s probably safest to assume it’s not there and venture no further into the pendulous folds.

    Now I just need the next five aptly disgusting expositions. Keep at it sir, and remember – it’s not your mess if noone saw you make it.

    All the best,

    JQ Wagonwheel (OBE)

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