11 Shit Things That Make Share-House Living Suck – #5

#5. Bermuda Triangle Shelf, Permaculture Fridge.

 

This is where my food lives…temporarily. Permaculture Fridge is a living entity. It has a dense fertile undergrowth starting in the crisper – has anything ever gotten crisper by being put in this device? It seems like an invention designed to do the opposite, to reduce vegetable matter to a sweaty sludge in as little time as possible. This undergrowth lends the whole fridge a rainforesty dankness and creeps green tendrils up into the body of the fridge. The shelves bear the congealed dribbles of meals long gone. There are numerous sauces, cling-film-covered meals that weren’t any good when fresh and that have long since faded into the dusty recesses of the addled memories of their creators. These are a definite danger, they all potentially contain massive fungal blooms as well as bacterial specimens that would be more-rightly at home in a biological weapons laboratory.

 

These are objects of warning, talismans to protect any genuine food from evil spirits or opportunistic house-mates – borrowers – there are also distractions like a naked, dried piece of cheese or a dessicated half-onion. The Borrowers are a special breed of carrion-feeding share-house inhabitants. They never buy their own food, they borrow other people’s, their name aquired from their most popular excuse on the rare occasions they actually get caught pilfering house-mates’ food. Hey, I was just borrowing it, I didn’t think you’d mind.  Always delivered in a completely dead-pan manner with a vaguely aggrieved tone that aims to suggest that their captor is being unbelievably petty and materialistic. If necessary, they’ll follow up with a Relax, man, it’s just a piece of chicken, I’ll buy you another one, jeez! Yeah, sure they will, don’t be fooled it’ll never happen.

 

The great paradox of Permaculture Fridge is that for something that looks as though it’s been abandoned for centuries and is waiting to be discovered by archaeologists, it requires constant monitoring by the borrowers. This is necessary for their own survival, for although they are a hardy species, if they let their monitoring lapse they may well eat an expired talisman by mistake and poison themselves. If only the rest of us could be that lucky but the crafty fuckers are on their game. You can’t leave anything in there without it, or at least a part of it, disappearing – especially if it’s left on my shelf, Bermuda Triangle Shelf.

 

The complete disappearance is most common on Bermuda Tringle Shelf, one minute it’s there, next time you open the fridge voomp! it’s gone – never to be seen again unless you check the bin or the recycling. Beer is always one of the first things to be sucked away into the void. The partial disappearance is the more insidious as it not only reduces one’s food supply but also assumes a level of stupidity by the borrower responsible who doesn’t think I’ll notice my food disappearing bite-by-bite, or that I may attribute it to natural causes. Hmm…I suppose it is conceivable that there are a new breed of cold-resistant mice that live in Permaculture Fridge. I, however, being a cynical fucker, tend to think that it’s more likely some stinking fucking hippy stealing my food. I will fucking get you one day, Borrowers, ONE FUCKING DAY!!!

 

 

* For those who came in late: I no longer live in a share-house, this series is a retrospective. As I’ve mentioned previously,  I now live alone – like other people would put up with me, are you kidding? The reason I am sharing my loathing of the whole share-house situation is outlined in the first post of the series. I only mention this to save you the indignity of commenting on the post as if it refers to my current life which it doesn’t, or as if everything I mention were happening in one particularly cuntful house rather than being the biggest annoyances from a number of share-house experiences. Also, to Peter, if you’re still reading: get fucked!

6 Responses to “11 Shit Things That Make Share-House Living Suck – #5”

  1. I’m trying to think ahead for the next 6 atrocities, but I can only come up with police knocking on the door looking for people or stuff; and other people using your bed while you are out for passing out on, throwing up on, or shagging on.
    I await the next 6 with trepidation and traffic accident curiousity abounding.

    Great stuff!

  2. Those images are perturbing!

  3. No they’re not! They’re fucked you art school fuck! I bet you’re a borrower.

    I once had a housemate who tried to have sex with my cat. Walked right in on the bestial tosser. I got him back though. I came in his yabby’s eye. Then cooked and ate him. Bit salty but.

  4. I’ve passed this site along to a few friends and over lunch it came up that we couldn’t fathom the remaining list getting any worse than that bathroom. These are TOO true, disgustingly….

    I’m loving the Bermuda Triangle shelf, there is nothing like having your mouth set for something only to find it gurgling in the stomach of a borrower.

  5. The borrower can be thwarted by a few acts of selective sabotage. Mini cheddars going missing? Place a mouse trap in the multipack. Certain eyedrops make a very potent laxative if consumed, so put a few drops in your milk or on a very tempting piece of food. The borrower will soon learn. Just make sure you remember what you’ve booby-trapped.

  6. I lived with someone who thought the John Birmingham books were manuals, not warnings. Never share with fucking teenagers. Fuck.

    (Now I’m a middle-aged dad with teenage stepdaughters. Never share with fucking teenagers. Fuck.)

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