11 Shit Things That Make Share-House Living Suck – #2

#2. Dishes Jenga

 

The aftermath of dishes berserker is clean but no less treacherous. Given the marathon effort of cleaning every dish in the house over two-plus hours, the idea of drying them all and putting them away is too much of a cruel and unusual punishment for most to consider. So the unusable kitchen filled with dirty dishes is now an unusable kitchen filled with precariously balanced clean ones. A new stand-off begins, it’s the game of Dishes Jenga.

 

Dishes Jenga is never spoken about but it invariably happens unless, of course, a bitch can be found. It takes its name from the Hasbro game which in turn takes its name from the Swahili word for build. The game is this: Any player may remove the dish(es) they need and use them as they see fit without putting the clean dishes away providing no-one else sees them with the dishes and most importantly, so long as the pile of dishes remains intact and no re-organisation of said dishes is required to remove the desired articles. This can be done because while the clean dish piles are undisturbed there is a fog of plausible deniability that shrouds the kitchen in mystery. Any player can quite believably claim:

Oh, I didn’t see them there.

Or

I haven’t used any dishes, I haven’t even been in the kitchen for days.

Or even

Fuck off, man, who the fuck are you?

 

Whilst everyone secretly knows that everyone else is playing the game, no-one is confronted with direct, incontrovertible evidence of the game’s existence, therefore it can continue unimpeded. As soon as someone creates evidence of the game’s existence they lose and must put all the dishes away. Such causes for losing the game are:

 

  • Getting caught using dishes while the pile remains – This will be met with patronising, even hostile responses from your house-mates as it indicates your extreme selfishness.
  • Disrupting the pile and sending an avalanche of dishes crashing to the floor – This is met with even more hostile responses as not only are you a conniving, selfish cunt-rag, but you just smashed a pile your house-mates’ crockery whilst attempting to scam your way out of a minimal gesture towards communal life.  

Usually the game is lost without any such drama. You’ll just be trying to get a knife out so you can butter a piece of toast when the plates shift and you know it’s all over. You replace the knife with surgical precision, quietly acknowledge defeat and spend half an hour putting the dishes away. That is unless you don’t really want the toast buttered, in which case you replace the knife, eat dry toast and leave the pile for someone else…you cunt! No-one ever wins Dishes Jenga – it only has losers.

4 Responses to “11 Shit Things That Make Share-House Living Suck – #2”

  1. Dishes Jenga, not to be confused with rubbish bin Risk and bathroom tic tak clean the fucking bath after you’ve left a ring exactly the same colour as Mikhail Gorbachev’s forehead stain you slovenly toe rag.
    This one’s name is Peter too… I think the fucker called for Ruth IN HIS OWN BATH WATER and then left the ring for somebody else to deal with. Not unlike another Peter we all know from NZ.

  2. Thats funny… did you know the term “jenga” actually means “to build” in Swahili?

  3. okay…i made the comment before i finished reading your post…so what…kill me!

  4. I live alone and I do this.. what’s my excuse!?

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