You Wouldn’t Steal A Car – Rip & Burnout!

DVD copyright warnings. What the cat-fisting Jesus is with all the warnings? I mean, I go to the shop and buy a DVD. I fucking well BUY it! I take it home and before I’m allowed to watch the fucking thing that I own for fuck’s sake I have to sit through a warning about what will happen if I steal, copy or profit from its piracy. I fucking own it and I have to put up with this accusatory bullshit before I can watch what I legally own! It’s not even like the good old VHS days when you could fast forward through all the shit to get to the good stuff, you have to watch it. And not just once! When you’ve got through one warning you then get a lame-arsed commercial to crappy warning music with fast edits flashing slogans telling you: You wouldn’t steal a car! You wouldn’t steal a handbag! and a whole bunch of other shit so Don’t steal movies! and Movie piracy is stealing! and blah blah shit shit shit. WHAT THE FUCK??? I CUNTING WELL OWN IT, YOU DRIBBLING, SYPHILLITIC NOB-ENDS!!! Even if I didn’t own it, even if I’d just rented it from the fucking video store, isn’t it a bit presumptuous to assume I’m going to want to steal it before I’ve even watched the cunting thing? For fuck’s sake, what if it sucks? Why the fuck would I steal a turd?


Having bought Season 3 of The Mighty Boosh and put it in my player, part-way through the multiple warnings I’ll have to watch every time I want to view the DVD, I got so fucked off I just stood up and stomped my coffee table to pieces Eh, master-race IKEA bullshit, I always despised you anyway! took the pieces out into my courtyard, doused them in lighter fluid and incinerated them. I felt a little better and as the flames of triumphant fury warmed my face I started thinking about why the DVD companies should feel the need to have so many warnings cluttering up their shit.


Why? Fucking why have multiple warnings about piracy before and after films as well as all over the packaging? DVDs I’ve bought from the USA have FBI warnings on them for shit’s sake! Watch out, bitches, the fuckin’ feds are comin’ to bust yo punk ass!!! It all seems a pretty heavy-handed policy of intimidation but it’s all undone by the commercials with their imploring consumers to do the right thing. To the untrained eye it would appear almost as though they’re trying to prevent something they have absolutely no control over, you know, like when kittens puff all their fur up and walk sideways in an attempt to look frightening. Except, of course, kittens are cute and they don’t prevent you watching movies you’ve paid for with a never-ending stream of pissing and moaning about what they’ll do to you if you avoid their copy-protection systems with easily-available freeware applications and burn exact digital replicas of their product rather than forking out ridiculous amounts of money for an obsolete media format. Well, be realistic, if they did you’d just lock them in the kitchen and sit down and enjoy your movie without them.


You wouldn’t steal a car! Well, let’s think about that: If I could steal it by cheaply making an exact replica so I’d have exactly the same car but the owner wouldn’t know I’d done it nor would he lose any benefit of his car and I’d probably never ever get caught for it- fuck it, wouldn’t I steal it? Of course I fucking would! I’d have a yard full of faux-Ferraris, Lamborghinis, you fucking name it, I’d never watch a fucking movie again!


If anyone has software for copying furniture please e-mail me, I need to pirate a coffee table, I’ve been spending too much money on DVDs!

11 Responses to “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car – Rip & Burnout!”

  1. clickfornick Says:

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  2. Hooray for Buck!!

    I reckon there’s enough time to actually steal a car in the time the warnings go for. In the spirit of Gone in 60 Seconds.

    Love your work.

  3. i’d rather steal a car than a movie anyway….

  4. It’s all Star Trek’s fault with those food replicating machines.
    They were ripping off food in the future when I was a little kid. Capt. Kirk should be punished for our sins 🙂

  5. The funny part is when you see the same warnings in a dvd that IS pirated.

  6. Ide get a faux el-camino…

    I want one of those bitches.

  7. I particularly like the “piracy robs artists of their rightful income”. Well fuck me, the cinemas and video stores have been robbing me of my rightful income for the whole of my adult life. Sorry, but if you can afford to pay a shithead like Russell Crowe millions of bucks a movie, you don’t need my hard earned cash.

    P.S Just stumbled accross your blog tonight. I’ve laughed so hard that I’ve wept. Thank you!

  8. Forest Agee Says:

    haha nice man I love this one

  9. Having friends in the arts, I understand the anger about infringing on copyright–but I also know that most of the money spent on DVDs & similar goes to distributors, not to the artists. As well as pissing off anyone who has legally bought the DVD, those warnings are very presumptuous. Why do they think I won’t steal a purse or a car? Those items get stolen, someone (many people) must be involved in the actual stealing, so why wouldn’t it be me? Maybe I bought the DVD with the money I earned stealing cars.

  10. “uz get bummies!” hahaha…Your blog always makes me laugh.

  11. Billy McShit Says:

    The irony is this: you buy a DVD, you have to sit through the copyright warnings. You download a movie from BitTorrent, you don’t. Little wonder piracy is so popular.

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