You’re so vain, you probably think I’m trying to kill you.


People are far, far more stupid than I had realised. It’s days like this where I despair for the human race and just want the cockroaches to take over – I doubt they’d do a worse job. I know I’m not the most charitable chap when it comes to evaluating the average intelligence of my species, but I think even I may have been overly generous thus far.


I read this article today and I’ve been hearing similar bulletins all over the radio warning the mobile phone owners of Australia not to respond to a text message scam saying:


Someone paid me to kill you. If you want me to spare you, I give you 2 days to pay 5000 dollars. If you inform the police or anybody, you will die, I am monitoring you.


How fucking stupid are you? If you’re enough of a douche bag to fall for that, you deserve not only to lose your money but to be beaten with a sledgehammer, dragged behind a car, chewed by wild dogs and set on fire. WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! How many hitmen tell you they’re going to kill you? How many hitmen ruin their own professional image by letting clients buy them off? How many hitmen can be bought off by clients for a meager $5000? I mean, how much was the cunt hired for in the first place? A bag of weed and some 2-minute noodles? What the shit-streaked pants are you thinking?


So…have you crawled out from under the bed yet? Will you be able to sleep tonight? If you’re still scared just ask yourself this: Who the fuck are you that someone would want you dead and feel strongly enough about it to spend money getting it done? Be honest now. No-one. Not one single person gives that much of a fuck about your imbecilic arse, do they? In fact, if you died tomorrow in your apartment, it would be a couple of weeks before the neighbours complained about the stench – that’s the truth, isn’t it? Yeah! So just shut the shit-eating-fuck up and relax!


If you’ve had a text message like the one above and after reading all this you’re still worried, please contact me at  Include your address and when you’re likely to be home and, when I have time, I’ll make a special trip over to kick the living cunt out of you for being a stupid sack of self-absorbed shit. With all my heart: GET FUCKED!!!

6 Responses to “You’re so vain, you probably think I’m trying to kill you.”

  1. Yup. People are dickheads. The fact that you had to send the money to Thailand surely would have got warning bells going in the heads. Obviously not.

    Gah!!!! Effing people…

  2. Awesome. I need to work “kick the living cunt out of you for being a stupid sack of self-absorbed shit” into a conversation soon.

  3. […] July 3, 2008 by Evan Buck Frains Angry Place […]

  4. I’m still waiting for my millions of dollars from the brother-in-law of the deceased emperor of Zambia! Anyday now and it’s a big payday for me 🙂

  5. It’s true. Nobody gives a fuck. Just look at those two poor French cunts that were stabbed in their bedsit in London on the weekend. One was stabbed 200 times!!! 200 times and noboby noticed. WTF??? It took a fire and a bomb going off before someone even got up from watching re-runs of Coronation Street to take a peek. I’m buying a lead suit and waiting for Armageddon (and learning cockroach language).

  6. Chainsaw Says:

    “What do you think of humanity?”

    “It would sure be an improvement on what we’ve got now”.

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