Winning The War On Bones.

We win! Australia, the little battler, has won – against insurmountable odds we fought hard to be leading the world in obesity! Yeah, We’re the fattest cunts in the world! Fuck you, USA, you can eat our convict shit, we’re fatter than you bastards! 26% of all Aussies are obese, that’s four million of us – a 33% rise in obesity in the last nine years. Fat Aussies have been gorging their pie-holes for the last nine years to top the USA’s puny 25% obesity rate. Yeah, they’ve got more fatties in total, but per capita we have the most cottage-cheese-arsed, cankled, wheezing behemoths of any nation on the planet! 


Doesn’t anybody find any of this remotely offensive? I don’t mean my ruthless attack on the fatties, I mean isn’t anyone offended by the rampant epidemic of bloatedness? We see it everywhere. My two bosses, The Wobblers, are both horrendously obese shit-sacks. Many of the people in the building I work in have Office Body*, you only have to walk down the street to realise that most people are packing some weight, thin people are a serious minority. 


But we’re all polite about it – everyone knows the pain of the fatty, Oprah’s made us oh-so aware of the torture it is to be fat. No one wants to point out to their friends or co-workers Hey, you’re becoming a bit of a chunk, should you be eating that? Woe betide the heathen who dared say such a hurtful thing. You insensitive bastard, it’s genetic, his whole family is like that. Um…but he’s eaten two pizzas today…are you sure that’s genetic? 


You see, I think that’s part of the problem – it’s politically correct to tell people they’re drinking too much, or that they should quit smoking, but we’re in denial about obesity. You mustn’t tell the fatty they’re fat, they might feel bad about themselves and eat more! Yeah, I know, the fuckin’ fat cunt might eat YOU, you’re just scared! For fuck’s sake, tell her from a distance, the fat fuck won’t be able to chase you for long. 


Now before all you fatties out there start sending me death threats, I’d like to point out I’m not advocating everyone need have chiseled abs and cheekbones or plastic surgery themselves to look like Paris Hilton, that’s just another disgusting sickness. What I’m saying is: take physical responsibility for yourself. Be a bit healthy.


No-one wants to walk down a street and see a piss-pants drunk sitting there boozing himself into oblivion, nor do you want to see junkies shooting up nor sex addicts jerking themselves off in public. Why not? Because it’s offensive. Obese people are killing themselves with food. I find it offensive to see some filthy, fat pig scoffing into a Big Mac. Most people will walk past keeping their revulsion private but everyone finds it unsettling, even if only on a well-trained, unconscious level. It turns my stomach and I can’t understand why it is no longer acceptable to acknowledge that offensiveness. Even the most compassionate soul has to concede that, on a purely pragmatic level, it’s a massive a waste of resources. On a planet with billions of people barely surviving, these fat turds eat enough each day for a whole family, and in a few years time they’re going to be a massive financial burden on an already strained health system. We all will be paying through the nose to save these fatties from themselves. Maybe they need a dose of reality rather than that second Double Quarter Pounder! YOU’RE FUCKIN’ FAT, FATTY!!! FATTY FAT FAT FAT!!! HAVEN’T YOU HAD ENOUGH FOOD, YOU STINKING FAT CUNT??? What? Chase me, fuckface!   



*Office Body – a phenomenon where, due to a lack of physical activity, chronic over-eating and a diet of shit, a person becomes overweight or obese and most of their muscles wither away except for a few fingers on the hand that operates their computer mouse. See also Internet Body, Playstation Body or Lazy Fat Cunt.


39 Responses to “Winning The War On Bones.”

  1. I have a simple “12 step program” for obese people: walk up 12 steps and keep repeating until you are not a big fat pig anymore! 🙂

    When I visited Australia myself and a friend played the game “Who ate all the pies?”: kind of like Where’s Waldo? but actually more “Where’s Wobbler?”.

  2. I live on an island that has the population of Australia squeezed into an area half the size of Tasmania. There is no room for greedy fat turds. People are like goldfish, (I’ve seen some fat-cunt goldfish too) they will grow to fit the size of their container. Also if you keep feeding them, they won’t stop eating until they are dead. The perfect solution would be to ship all the fatties to a small island (maybe Kangaroo Island or some other inhospitable place) and leave them there until they are thin.

  3. Ehh… I’m kind of iffy about the whole fat issue and comparing that with people who are starving. This is just based on observation in Canada, mind you, but majority of the fat people I encounter are the ones who are blue collar working class and have a tough time making ends meet. The richer among us, the ones who can afford to work out and maybe have a spouse to take the time to cook decent meals instead of having to rush over for McD’s for the entire family right before nightshift work, are the ones who are more likely to look healthy.

  4. Smuckface Says:

    I couldn’t agree more with this read.

    I would also like to add…

    I’m a petite young woman, I eat healthy and have a busy life. I don’t go out of my way to be thin, I just am, genetics, whatever. So why is it acceptable for people on the streets, at parties or on public transport, to poke me and say things like “geez, they dont get much smaller than you do they!… fuck your small!…do you eat?” ??

    What if I was to poke some fatties belly in public and say “fuckin hell, your a fatty fat bastard arent you!”. Doesn’t happen, wouldn’t happen. Not acceptable. Bullshit.

    Eat THAT fatties and leave me the fuck alone.

  5. Hurrah! Someone needed to say something. We need fat clinics or something. Clinics that provide counselling, gym, dieticians…etc etc…..

    But in any case… I love my parents… and their parents… and their parents… etc etc etc….

  6. I think you are my new hero

  7. it is truly pathetic to see these people. it is uncomfortable for a normal sized person to address these gargantuans without staring in horror. you see them on campus in packs, usually moving towards the dining centers to wreak havoc upon the burger bar. instead of cutting them off at one plate, they can have any amount of burgers and pizza they want. i would imagine the food service workers are afraid to lose a leg. there is actually a fat acceptance group in the u.s. its pretty sad. awesome writing, the fatties in the library are staring at me laughing myself to death.

  8. David Jake Says:

    haha, well i’m working on it, singlehandly australia.

  9. Exactly,..

    Do people feel bad about giving you shit for smoking weed or drinking too much? no of course not its open slather on the smokers/drinkers…

    Yet these same people will call you a complete prick for bagging the fatties,

    Junkies dont get no sympathy if junkies took up extra room on trains and planes because their drugs made them fat, they would be banned or made to pay more,

    Yet fatties can sit on your fucking leg on a train or plane like they dont even notice when they should be paying shitloads more for a ticket im sick of subsidising the fat lazy cunts.

    I look at fatties with disgust like they deserve, the same way i treat junkies.

  10. People who are fat are still human beings. And abusing people is not helping them with their health problem, it is just putting somebody else down because you feel like it.

  11. you numbnuts lisa.. the whole point was that ppl pussyfoot around telling ppl they are too fat because its not the social norm to tell them.. and there u go defending fat ppl like its okay to be fat. fuck

  12. dude it is so true…if deres smoking and drinking laws dere shuld be a weight law…depending on ur height and build u cannot exceed a certain weight

  13. Just remember that these “fatties” you’re talking about are in fact human beings and should be treated as such. And, by the way, ‘fat’ is not a word to use to describe someone as it is the substance on them. Try saying overweight instead.

  14. Buck Frain Says:

    Oh, Khy, I’m sorry.

    Fat, however PC you’d like to get, IS still a word to describe people.

    It’s not only the substance on them converted from pies, burgers and cakes into FAT but also a measure of their relative girth. I could refer to people being overweight if I was a stickler for political correctness but I’m not. Actually, I’m a bit of an arsehole. Hell, if you’ve read my posts you’d realise I’m not a promoter of stick-like-botox body, however, burger-ridden FATNESS can only be met with the contempt it deserves. If you are a fat cunt you should face the fat-fuck up to it, jump an a fucking treadmill and eat some shitting salad. In some countries they call it being healthy, I call it “not being a big fat cunt”. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Khy, and stop being a big fat cunt!

  15. ahh bless you, Buck Frain. I’m on a university campus, you’d think there’s lots of incentive to stay thin, after all 95% of the women are young enough to be convinced they have to look good in order to convince the guys to fuck them. Joggers everywhere you go. And yet, and yet — I see undergraduates who can’t squeeze themselves into a classrom chair. I was in the library a little while back and saw a matronly middle-aged woman waddling toward me, and thought “she won’t live long if she keeps that up” — and when she got near I saw she was actually about _25 years old_.

    Recently I decided I needed to lose a few, pants getting snug, etc. Said so to a friend who was offering me cake, and she said, “Oh, how’re you going to do that?” I just stared at her and said, “Eat less.” She thought this very clever. Really, the end-times are near.

  16. Way to go, guys. Maybe you should make a distinction between people who look like they’re spilling out of the biggest pant size you’ve ever seen, and those who just have just a little more to love.

    I’ve always been classified as overweight. Couldn’t get into a ‘normal’ BMI even after 2 months of Basic Combat Training (and that’s about as healthy/active as you can get)–in fact, I only lost 10 lbs the whole time I was there–and stopped losing by the second month. Passed my PT test with flying colors, yet I still have to get taped.

    After reading this article and all the comments, you all have me feeling like I should be starving myself just to fit you’re ridiculous standards. Why don’t you just gather all the ‘fatties’ and toss them into a gas chamber? God forbid those of us who aren’t built like pencils trod on your pathetic little image.

  17. Absolutely! I was in McDonalds with my wife once on our way home from traffic court (my ticket) and this 275 pound behemoth was stealing her daughter’s fries after she had finished hers. When she stood up (presumably to use the bathroom, the back of her grey sweatpants had a brown stain about the size of a grapefruit. The fat fuck had shit herself and didn’t even notice!!!! Lunch ended at that point for me. Why???? Why do people allow that sort of massive fat build up to occur? How embarrassing must it be to be denied a plane ticket because you’re too fat??? Go for a walk fatty. put your Whopper deluxe down, wipe your milkshake off of your chin and shirt and go for a fucking walk, for fuck’s sake.

  18. Diablosangelis Says:

    Lynn, there is a massive difference between being big and being fat. Muscle adds weight as well. I have an older sister who weighed 135lbs when she was twelve, and was only 5’2″, but she could also squat more than my dad and had state qualifying times in numerous swimming events. This rant is not aimed at people who don’t fit into the quote unquote normal BMI index, this is aimed at people like the man in the picture above, who I can be very certain you nowhere near resemble if you have been through two months of basic. There are naturally bigger people, I personally am 6’2″ and two hundred pounds(I worked out twice a day in high school and still work out when I can), but there are not naturally people with seven chins. I have no problem with someone who is built bigger, I have a problem with the guy who weighs 400lbs and can’t walk across campus to class.

  19. Ahh, fatties, endless debate about fatties, its hilarious.

    I agree fat people (I’m using the word fat here as a description of them if thats ok with the fat-friendly guy above) shouldn’t be made to feel stigmatised if they are a little overweight and sometimes there are health and lifestyle reasons that can’t easily be helped.

    But I do think that most massive fatties are just too stupid and too lazy to do anything about their life and have a serious lack of imagination and an inability to think for themselves.

    Its just a cruel modern day addition to the process of natural selection, and you can’t help these people by pandering to them. We need government run fat camps that will categorically decide why you are a massive fat fuck, and if its genetic or summat then fine, but if its cos your daily exercise is sweet fuck all, then you’re about to lose some weight fatso! No you can’t have seconds and you will have to keep cycling to power the TV.

    It would benefit us all by improving the health of the population, making people more productive and contributary to society, and mean more money could be spent on education and wherever else it is needed.

    Not gonna happen in a democracy though, the meek have already inherited the earth.

  20. i swear there aliens…no no what do they call it..o ya….”a disease” woe is me….fucking shits have enough fat to float float after they sink australia. damn cant we just throw them in jail for being gnargly?

    • num-de-dum Says:

      ok do “their” oopsie
      personally smoking is a cooler way to die…and thats LOW, man…LOW

  21. This is a great rant, just the sort of thing we love down at ‘The Nosebleed Section’ (facebook). Your writing is hilarious, Buck!!!! Go girl!!! Couldn’t have put it better. I myself am a lean, hard vegetarian who does physical work (when they haven’t chopped my hours for molesting my workmates, that is- grrrrr) and eats whenever and whatever I like, but too get constant comments from people who think they have the right to ask me about how/when/what I eat… silly fucken plums, it’s damn rude and you show that by reversing the situation. Kudos xoxoxo

  22. Hacksaw Highway Says:

    Speaking as someone who has dealt with weight trouble their whole life, it makes me sick to see fatasses scarfing dwon food. I have to work my ass off (literally) to stay in average shape, and then I go to work (at McDonalds) and some 400 pound chick comes in and orders 3 chicken burgers with extra mayo (this actually happned last night). Disguisting.

  23. I have a plan to SAVE THE WORLD. Stop wasting fossil fuels and ruining the planet…NO NO HEAR ME OUT!!!! Burn fat people. Give them three strikes then they are out! friendly warning, threat, then burn.
    Pool up all the local ‘three strike fatties’ on a Friday Night and have a good ole fashion fatty burnin.
    We can have some dough assed mother fucker like damien hurst build us a cool, half candle, half margarine tub to burn the fatties in…
    All burning fat proceeds go down heat recycling units to feed the power stations.
    Burning fat people plus heat energy equals family entertainment and renewable energy, i rest my case.

  24. a3dollabil Says:

    Your logic is inherently contridictory.

    You see, I think that’s part of the problem – it’s politically correct to tell people they’re drinking too much, or that they should quit smoking, but we’re in denial about obesity.

    No-one wants to walk down a street and see a piss-pants drunk sitting there boozing himself into oblivion, nor do you want to see junkies shooting up nor sex addicts jerking themselves off in public. Why not? Because it’s offensive.

    So, on the one hand you have to liberate yourself of political correct, thus negating set fatty’s feelings, but on the other hand, set fatty should worry about your feelings in order to not offend you with his lifestyle choice? That, sir, is hypocrisy.

    • There is a difference between political correctness and not wanting to see some junkie sticking shit in his arm.

      That, honey, is opinion.

  25. lol the guy above is right haha. ur so hypocritical 😛

    i just hate the big fat fatties that smell or make fucked up breathing congestive noises or walk really slow in front of u and are so big that u cant even attempt to move around them 😦


  26. Buck Frain Says:


    No. My logic isn’t contradictory, it is prejudiced. It is not hypocrisy, you stupid cunt, it’s a fucking opinion. It is an indicator that I don’t love everyone equally and that I prioritise the needs of society at large above the lack of self control of a minority of disgusting, obese shit-sacks. Fuck you!
    If someone believes that everyone should be able to be free about their sexuality without fear of persecution but that we should lock up paedophiles, is that person also a hypocrite? Maybe by your definition they are, but you’ll find me with the hypocrites rather than with you and the other cat-felching molluscs!

  27. Lmfao this is TOO funny! And I completely agree that it makes no sense that social norms allow for people to openly judge others on their smoking or drug habits, but not on their over-eating habits!

    That being said though, I think that this does end up being a wasted effort… if some ridiculously unhealthy, overweight person decides they want to keep eating the way they are, no one telling them aggressively that they’re a “fat ass” is going to make them change their minds… in fact, it’ll probably end up doing just the opposite as that just makes the situation a “them vs me” debate!

    It is disgusting that some people allow themselves to get to be 400, 500, even 600 pounds… I think if anything serious is ever going to be done about it though, it won’t be from yelling and insulting them… maybe if we gave them some manageable tips on how to lose some weight, or put some restrictions that they have no control over (like some of you suggested!) then they would get the hint and smarten up. There’s disgusting pictures of lungs and facts and whatnot on cigarette packages, maybe we need disgusting obesity facts on McDonalds and super fatty pastry packages? =P

  28. Okay, to be honest…

    That was a bit harsh…


    Loved every bit of it. I’ll definitely have to keep this in mind – Like honestly, our society today is FAT! D:

    I guess we should all count our blessings that we’re not one of them…!


  29. ZenparadoX Says:

    That’s the best 5.5 miinutes of reading i’va had a in too long, right down to the indignant fatty defenders and the wall they walked into.

    Gold, linked on ma facebook page.

  30. ok i understand about where u guys are all coming from and how it IS kinda gross when you see a massive guy walking along the street with a half-eaten-big-mac in one hand and like a 2 litre cup of coke in the other. its like y wood you? they say “all this ‘good food’ costs too much…” “oh its in my genetics…”

    yeah? ill give you genetics! obesity is in my blood but i am still fit because my parents feed me normal food, and i do sports once a week. is it really that hard? go for a fcking RUN! that costs no money! you dont even have to pay much money on clothes if u just wear speedos n run @ the beach! when i leave home i am going to do whatever it takes to stay fit (apart from like surgery, e.g. liposuction, plastic surgery…thats cheating and wrong) i dont want to be a fat shit when im older! that scares me!

    On the other hand, i am a bit sympathetic towards them because maybe they truly cant see how big they are or, how they can fix it, or wot they are doing wrong, or maybe they have simply been brought up thet way.
    I am VERY sorry that we have now over-taken america as i NEVER thought that would happen.

    Try not to judge people by their looks please.

    Nat x

  31. Jason K Says:

    Put down the fork you fat fucks! I work with a fatty who is the most obnoxious lazy fuck on the planet and his attitude is fairly typical of most fat bastards in Australia, cant be fucked playing sport or training, to busy watching dvd’s or sitting on their fat arse doing internet.

    You have desecrated the temple you were given and you look and smell repulsive! There is nothing more offensive than watching a fatty waddle along huffing and puffing with a giant gunt or apron bouncing and swinging.

    The large majority of us have to attend carefully to our food intake and train hard and often to stay well and fit for work, so why the fuck should the lazy fucks be allowed to burden the rest of us with their health costs and lack of effort!

  32. Australia isnt the fattest in the world…” Nauru tops a list of countries with the greatest percentage of overweight people, with an alarming 94.5% of its adult population (ages 15+) classified as such, based on the most recent estimates by the World Health Organization (WHO).”

    eat their shit…

  33. haha!

  34. I have to say, I’m really disappointed that Australia apparently has more fatties than Canada. Based upon my own observations of Canadian fatties, their numbers, and their behaviour, I can only conclude that Australia must be a wall of wobbling flesh, strained knees, sweat, and denial. I’ve often wanted to visit Australia but if it’s comprised of more flesh than Canada…most of the slimmer people I know in Canada are in fact immigrants, or have a foreign parent.

  35. Ok, my mum is fat.
    Not her fault, when I was born her body broke down and absorbed her thyroid so she no longer has a naturally occurring metabolism and has to take daily medication to even get a slow metabolism happening.
    She’s healthier than I am actually, fantastic cholesterol, the whole bit. But she’s big.
    And you know what? That’s ok.
    What’s NOT ok is the exact people spoken of here: the wobblers eating whoppers. It’s disgusting. These people often let themselves go in other ways too. I’ve had to get up close and personal with a few because of work (physical therapist) and it’s FOUL! Sweaty, dirty, cheesy EUGH! And you’re not allowed to say anything!!!
    Thank you for venting and ranting so I don’t need to.

  36. You know what’s better?
    Ambulance Victoria, instead of employing more paramedics and getting new conventional ambulances like they wanted, are being dogged into buying MASSIVE ambulances and special gurneys and equipment to facilitate fat people.
    The same problem faces hospitals. They have to increase the weight limits of all their gurneys, beds and machines.

    Australia is having a shit enough time as it is with the health system, especially with its lack of funds and staff.
    Why are we wasting money on catering to fat fucks who could CHOOSE to do something about their weight?
    I’m all for getting people medical help, but when that help is required due to their own gluttony and where that help has to grossly enhance its facilities to assist them?

    That’s just fucking ridiculous.

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