Corporate Freeloaders – Just Turning A Buck & Being Frank

Corporate freeloading is at an all time high, it seems to me that the world is filled with two types of people: the poor who, despite my reasonably comfortable western existence, I consider myself one of; and the rich who, it seems, are all lying, shit-sucking, opportunist arseholes who should all be butchered like pigs.

 

I went for a job interview today, in a desperate effort to improve my life and find some greater level of contentment or even happiness. I realise that might gravely change the complexion of this blog but I’m happy to hazard that, call me selfish.

 

This was an interview for a real job, at a real company, with supposedly real people doing something that possibly might be challenging, interesting and not leave me with a musty residue of self-loathing I need to douse liberally with beer after every shift. I mean, wouldn’t it be great to go to work for people you like, doing something you believe in? That’d be fuckin’ brilliant! So, I was excited and a little nervous as I sat in a plush leather seat in the waiting room. The receptionist had been friendly in a disarmingly genuine way and I felt…at home…for a while.

 

A genial man I’ll call Frank, because that’s his name, greeted me and led me into a meeting room with a panel of four other executives all sat behind a large table at one end of which sat a video camera. Introductions, I sat, all very friendly, hmm…the camera watched silently. Frank handed me a piece of paper,

 

Would you mind filling this out? We’d like to video the interview for training purposes, it’s just a waiver.

 

I stared at the piece of paper for a little while. I was thrown, I wasn’t expecting this and I didn’t know how to react. I looked up at the panel and then back at the waiver. I couldn’t focus clearly with the panel scrutinizing me to read it properly but it said something to the effect that they would be able to use the video in-house pretty much as they saw fit and that I wouldn’t be making any cash out of it. Nah…it just didn’t sit right.

 

Hey look, um…I don’t really feel comfortable with this…

 

I indicated the camera and waiver.

 

That’s fine, that’s fine, let’s just get down to business.

 

I got the feeling it kinda wasn’t fine. I’d ear-marked myself as a trouble maker, I was definitely not a company man, I couldn’t be trusted to toe the line. The rest of the interview went smoothly, I guess, pleasant goodbyes, exit.

 

The further I got from the office, the angrier I got. What the steaming shit sandwich was that all about? In the old days they would get actors – not famous ones – to do corporate training videos, and they’d pay them with money – not much money. These cunts wanted me to provide them with training tools for free without even the guarantee of a job. What the fuck is that about? How much more disgustingly opportunistic could they be? Exploiting people who want jobs for company interviewer training materials. Was it a test? Was that part of the deal, if you don’t agree to be filmed we won’t even consider you for the position? And what the stapled pissflaps else were they going to use the video for? Maybe a mood lightener after lunch at boring seminars: And here’s some of the useless shit-sacks we DIDN”T hire this year! Was I to be part of an Idol-style montage of losers to entertain soulless obese executives. By this stage, I wasn’t just a bit narky about it, I was royally fucked off! I wanted to call that smarmy prick, Frank, and tell him:

 

Hey Frank, I’ve had a think about it and y’know what? You can use the video, that’s fine with me, on one condition. That you and the other members of your panel each eat a full teaspoon of my shit. How’s that sound, Frank? I’ll even bring the spoons! Ya fuckin’ CUNT! GET FUCKED!!!

 

I had the mobile in my hand. I had the number on my screen. I didn’t want their job any more so it wasn’t about not wanting to burn bridges, I just realised that Frank wouldn’t get it. The Franks of the world won’t understand people’s indignation at corporate exploitation and even if they did, The Franks probably wouldn’t care.

 

I have never met an honest rich person. Is that just how it works?

6 Responses to “Corporate Freeloaders – Just Turning A Buck & Being Frank”

  1. I’m with ya on that one dude, those fucking cunts deserve to be fed shit! They’re such a bunch of shit-weasels! The problem I have is heaps of my friends have become them – it’s frightening to watch the transformation of relatively-once-were-cool-people into corporate suckheads, that sort of shit happens down the slippery slope of your 30’s and it’s all about money, and then as they become mr. or mrs. successful they try and re-find they’re roots in an air of security that only wealth and success can provide, the problem is their souls stink and they’re completely fucken useless twats by that stage so you just want to tell them to go and get fucked. Man I’d love to have the balls to just turn around in that interview and go ‘you guys r such a bunch of cockheads’ and secretly video it and get them to sign a waiver while I held a gun against they’re heads, but like you said, what’s the point? they wouldn’t get it

  2. If I ever meet god or some other raggedy-arsed religious character after I die and he asks me, “What have you learned about life?” I will say, “God (or Mr. T or whoever), the only thing I learned is people will do anything for money.” After which I will probably be returned to earth as an intestinal parasite.

  3. Hans Licht Says:

    HA! Funny crease. I can see it now…

    Moses returns to the base of Mt Sinia and intones the 11th commandment, “Thou shalt not be a crazy fool.”

  4. Chainsaw Says:

    Dunno what it’s like down there, but here in America we have special drugs to make you into a corporate fuckhead. You just get yourself a happy-pill prescription, and you’re flying. As long as your monkey is grooving with the other monkeys in the room, none of this ethics or morals crap has the slightest bit of power. You do what you do, you screw who you screw, and you feel FANTASTIC about it, even though to the outside world, you’re a screaming idiot who’s about to go postal. Hey, and sometimes you DO go postal – or you just realize what a shitface you’ve been for the last five years on Zoloft and you off yourself…

    I went into a temp agency – I’m talking rent-a-drunk – and they had this big long form marked all over that this was needed and that was mandatory. I get to the very end, and right before the signature, there’s a separate box to sign with the not-prominent-but-official-looking notice that THIS box was voluntary. Closer reading reveals that A. they are required by law to tell you that it is voluntary, and B. you are signing over to a named but not described organization all of your personal info, and the right to use it as they see fit.

    Part 1 – I left that one blank. They noted it instantly, didn’t comment, and never called me for a single job, though skill-wise I was rather a score for them.

    Part 2 – I looked up the organization later and found that it was a radical right wing think tank/union busting organization with a history of civil rights issues and lawsuits.

  5. Ah, you hit the nail on the head there! At first I thought you hadn’t got it, but now I see you are just a good story teller and caught me with your cunning reveal 😛

    There are so many franks in the world though, what can you do with them? I don’t think you should blame frank, he is just a frank, franking his way through each day with frank all idea of what its all about, and not a franking care either.

    See, somebody else started the company and when they did, they made all the rules. Maybe they still run it, and keep the rules in place to stop people coming into the business and damaging their cashflow (with innovative thinking, and trying to take over etc), or even worse, maybe the company was sold and now the rules just run the business and the franks dont even think about who made the rules or why they follow them. Then you get the top frank making more rules because he heard other top franks are following them, and thats when things get really franked up beyond all recognition.

    One thing you did miss however is that you are somewhat following the franks by wanting a nice job doing something you enjoy. Ok, sometimes the ideal job will come up… but a job is just a position created by someone else to help them achieve their goals. I think you should take the initiative and find a way to make a living doing something you enjoy without waiting for it to appear as a job (cos it probably won’t). You certainly seem an astute individual, all you need to do is set your mind to it.

    I recommend ‘The Four Hour Work Week’ by tim ferris as an inspirational starting point, along with richard bransons quick read ‘Screw It, Lets Do It’. Warning: may blow your mind!

  6. If it’s any consolation, I was filling out job applications and one from Wal-Mart featured a clause stating that by signing my application, I was granting them permission to do a full background check on me, including a credit check. I did not submit my application after all.

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