Idiots Enslaved By Technology.

The life of a market research interviewer is tedious at best. Sitting in a booth phoning people and boring them to death with mundane questions about crap they don’t care about. I’m serious, where the fuck do you find people aged 18-34 who don’t use libraries but do want to spend 15 minutes answering questions about why they don’t use them? Genius! Aren’t you glad you pay tax?

I freely acknowledge that my job is stupid, pointless and on occasions invasive but I’m constantly amazed by the psychotic levels of rage it incites in seemingly ordinary people, and for that matter how stupid most people are. I mean, I don’t sell anything, I’m not asking for money, all I want is time. If you don’t have any or if you’re not interested, no worries. Thanks for your time, see ya – I move on. But, no,  people lose their shit. It seems to me that there are a massive number of people who are so disempowered and shat-upon in their regular lives that they need to cut loose at someone, anyone,  and the lowly, anonymous market research interviewer is a perfect target. Most of them are pretty unimaginative:

Fuck off, ya fuckin’ cunt!

That’s cool. Occasionally, I get mildly more imaginative attempts.

You shouldn’t be phoning me, I’m on the witness protection programme.

Yeah, and you tell people that? Smart. But then there are the people who think we’re deliberately targeting them ‘cause they’re oh so important!

Why do you call at dinner time, everyone’s having their dinner, don’t you people know that?

Oh yeah, that’s right, this is the legally designated, universal, unvarying time when the evening meal is consumed, it can’t ever happen at another time and we’re calling you so yours gets cold. Are you stupid? Fuck off and die!

Dontcha know I’m watchin’ the fuckin’ footy?

Of course I do, I can see you on the camera we put in your lounge room, I’m just ringing to fuck with your puny mind! Would you like to buy some DVDs of you shagging your dog?

Then there’s people who go crazy that they have a silent number and I’ve rung them on it, and they don’t even know me. Angry as piss because they pay for something that doesn’t prevent anyone calling them. I’m polite to these people but Jesus they’re ridiculous because, despite their protestations, they don’t actually want to end the call. They want to crap on and on and make me feel guilty for intruding into their lives – never gonna happen! I’d be happy to leave them in peace but they won’t let me, they want to lecture me on being an evil fucker for wasting their lives. Shit, I’m not wasting it, fuckface, it’s a phone – HANG THE FUCKER UP!!!

For fuck’s sake, do you have to answer your phone? If you don’t want to speak to people, don’t, I don’t make you. Just don’t pick it up. Stop being a slave to your technology! Get the fuck over it! And while we’re at it, if you’re angry at your life don’t expect me to give a fat rat’s clacker – hell, I’ve got my own shit to deal with. Pathetic Pavlovian shit-brains – I have absolutely no cunting sympathy! Don’t answer your phone if you don’t wanna talk to people! Don’t respond to the bell like a dog to a whistle! Remember – YOU HAVE FREE WILL. Well, some of us do.

This is the saddest thing. So many people have become completely enslaved by their means of communication. I’ve called people who have answered the phone while fucking. They don’t usually tell me but it’s pretty obvious what’s going on. Then they have the nerve to get mad at me about it. Hey, I’m not the fucktard who answers his phone mid-root. Damn, isn’t that what voicemail’s for? Ooh, but what if it’s important? If it’s important they’ll ring back. People are stupid. The human race is doomed!

8 Responses to “Idiots Enslaved By Technology.”

  1. I only questions if I get free stuff 🙂

    “How are you?”

    “What you going to give me if I answer?”

    Airport waiting lounges are the exception; I’ll do anything to pass the time.

    Once I got a free “I love Hong Kong” pen 🙂

  2. Jonathon Says:

    Ah, the respondents. Their stupidity amuses me greatly. What about the fact that when they do call back to complain (and spend at least ten minutes doing so) they do it at their own expense? And from another state. Fools.
    Oh, there are so many stories…

  3. Oh if only those people didn’t have the power of hanging up and WE could blast the shit out of them for being arrogant, uptight fuckwittians….. argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Can you tell I worked today?

  4. Old Gregg Says:

    I love your market research posts. The idiocy of respondents never fails to surprise me. My personal favourites from the past week:

    1. Me: Blahblahblah, would you be able to help us out?
    Guy: I don’t do phones.

    2. Me: Are you a permenant resident of the household?
    Woman (furious): …yes! How did you know that???

    3. Me: Do you use the internet?
    Guy: What?
    Me: Do you use the INTERNET?
    Guy: The what?
    Me: do – you – use – a – computer?
    Guy: Oooooh. No. But I have a pacemaker!

    *sigh*

  5. I feel your pain, I was once a reasonably well paid researcher also, i think my favourite aspect of the work was the always first enquiry ‘how long will this take’, 10min being the usual answer. but of course this was only if the answered the questions , no sit around asking me for the answer….25min later, ‘you said this would take 1o minutes !”, response “that is the average time”.

  6. Haha the last lines get so awesome.

    Reading some of your articles out loud is like a therapy to me, besides making me practice spoken english and occasionnally giving me hints when I’m inspiration-emty. No, I’m not plagiarizing you ~~ no really.

  7. Uhmmm…. Is it possible that a person might answer the phone because they’re expecting an important call, and maybe that person can’t afford to pay the phone company for Caller ID? Is there any reason that the person might be ever-so-slightly irked to find someone intruding on their privacy with stupid questions that the caller him/herself acknowledges are stupid and time-wasting? Why on earth would you expect people NOT to be annoyed? Why would you expect them not to respond with rudeness to a rude act — which is what pestering strangers with sales pitches and nosy questions is?

    A person who’s going to take a job that requires him or her to behave like a creep might as well chill about the way people respond to their creepiness.

  8. I’ve done telemarketing and market research. I’ve also been frequently bothered by both types calling me, despite being unlisted & on the Do Not Call list. Since I know supervisors are often listening in on these calls, I try to tailor my responses to the unheard supervisor and leave the lowly lackey making the call alone.

    “What a stupid question! Is your supervisor retarded, or what?”

    “[Laughs] That’s some shitty contract your boss found. They’re paying you to ask that shit?”

    “I’ll be answering all your questions in a rigid pattern. I shall alternate between Yes and No despite how ridiculous this makes your survey seem.”

    “Doesn’t your boss realize they can annoy hundreds more people by simply sending junk mail?”

    On the rare occasions that a supervisor cuts in, I just ask them if they’re hiring and pretend I have Tourette’s.

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