How To Lose Friends & Gross The Fuck Out Of People.

Am I just old? Am I repressed? Am I a prude? I wouldn’t have thought so, but I have been forced to reconsider. Like most people in the world who aren’t being starved to death by western capitalism, I have a Facebook page, and surprising as it may seem, I have friends. Well…I have people who have added me as “friends” and that’s really what it’s all about – the appearance of popularity.

The problem I’ve always found with social groups of any sort is there are people who are your friends, and then there are people who you’re just supposed to accept because they have some space-time connection to the group. They don’t necessarily fit, and they may give everyone the right royal shits but for some reason no-one has the heart to fuck them off. Note well: If your social group doesn’t have a crap friend like this, have a good think because that crap friend may just be you.

Normally groups find ways of containing the unpleasant or embarrassing behaviour of crap friends Shutup Shon! Don’t worry, he’s OK, he’s just a bit of a tool.  But Facebook removes that ability to contain. It allows crap friends free reign to publish their inappropriateness to your whole social network. It allows the crapness to spew forth like a geyser of well…look up tubgirl if you really want to know. Actually, don’t.

I’ll get to the point. I logged into my profile for the first time in a couple of weeks and was shocked to find one of my brother’s crap friends had sent me a big picture of goatse. I wasn’t familiar with goatse and for those of you who also haven’t experienced it, in the name of taming it down, here’s a jack-a-lantern depiction of it.

Let me tell you, I’m not easily unsettled but goatse is fucking gross. But that wasn’t really what shat me. What really fucked me off was that for a week my real friends had been confronted with a hideous goatse on my page that had not been removed…for a week, therefore lending credence to the notion that I found it funny or acceptable or that it was in some sense my taste. I mean, fuck! People I work with, people I respect are checking my profile and one lowbrow fucker I added out of guilt is fucking my relationships up because he has no sense of the appropriate and has no internal censor. Inappropriate shit should be at least contained to personal emails, not broadcast to everyone you know.

So, before I have my entire social life undermined by one sick bastard, I’m getting honest. I’m doing some Facebook pruning and I urge you to do the same. Anyone who offends me or who I don’t genuinely like is going. That’s it, you’re out, get fucked! If you’re more of a liability than an asset, fuck off! It sounds mercenary, nasty and intolerant but I don’t give a fuck. If I embarrass myself that’s one thing, I’ll even cope with friends embarrassing me, but when some random shitstick vandalises my social page with grotesque fetishist wankery it’s time to cut the ties. NO MORE FACEBOOK GUILT FRIENDS!!! Fuck you, crap friends!

6 Responses to “How To Lose Friends & Gross The Fuck Out Of People.”

  1. I too have a couple of shitstick hangers-on in my group who mistake my politeness/civility for some deep and meaningful friendship, thus I prefer a pre-emptive strike – before the annoying turds can find me on facebook, I already have their names blocked so they can’t add me. Works a treat and avoids me having to add them out of guilt.

    Also, I 100% agree with you on goatse, that is fucking rank. Whichever dickhead is responsible for putting that shit on the internet should be exterminated.

  2. I have an aversion to “Social Networking Sites” in general, and you have just solidified my opinion.
    I am however shocked to find the “Great Buck Frain” grossed out by something 🙂

    Love the tags you’ve put this under 🙂

    Did not like “tubgirl” 😦 I have to wash my eyeballs now 😦

  3. Buck Frain Says:


    Yeah, sorry about tubgirl, she’s bad news.

    For the record, heaps of stuff grosses me out. Guess I just take a perverse pleasure in sharing my grossed-outedness with others.

    Hope the eyeballs are OK 😉

  4. sugarplumfairy Says:

    tubgirl is the most disgusting thing i have ever seen. my eyes feel raped. i now have eyeaids.

  5. Actually eel girl is the worst of the worst. Worse than tub girl and goatse combined.

  6. I’ve been facebook pruning for years. Never had more than 100 friends and currently have 30. I even prune family that do the whole “I’m a 45 year old housewife who just discovered the Internet. All my nieces and nephews I see every two years or so are sure to want to hear my every update and see exactly what I’m doing on farmville”.
    Totally not a pet peeve.

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