Having A Big Shit In The Nest

Seeing as I’ve begun to bite the hand that feeds me, I might as well do the job properly and gnaw the fucker right off.

I work for Corgan Research, one of the country’s oldest MR firms. It sucks and is run by a complete maniac called Barry Corgan – big C, little organ, or so we suspect. Barry inherited the company from the founder, his father, so he’s always been rich and has never had to relate to people. He dresses like Gregory Peck in The Boys From Brazil, only shorter and without the moustache or charisma and a Barry’s a bit more of a nazi. The only way he ever communicates with anyone is by shouting at them. Thank fuck he hardly ever condescends to visit us. The odd occasions he does is usually to gloat about his empire to boozed up potential clients.

As head of the company he has established a culture of fear, pettiness and disaffected slovenliness. Thanks to a careful maneuvering around, or in some cases a complete flouting of, industrial relations and tax laws everyone in the entire building is paid well below any industry minimums. This results in everyone only doing the bare minimum they can get away with without getting fired and ripping the system for anything they can whenever opportunity arises. Barry treats every employee as if they are a thief and this sort of punitive management style filters down through the whole organisation. He routinely fires people on the spot so everyone fears and despises him, hates their job, and is suspicious of their co-workers. Interviewers are the lowest of the low, everyone has more power than us and despite the fact that none of them would have jobs if we weren’t here, I understand that most consider us some sort of subhuman troglodytes. Unfortunately, they’re occasionally correct. It’s a truly demoralising work environment.

The two main surveys we do are one for a big tobacco company on smoking habits. Our conspiracy theory has me certain the information they get from this is filed away for future legal cases to prove the vast majority of smokers smoke more than one brand of cigarettes so, when you try to sue them because of your lungs are rotting and your cock’s fallen off, they can say How do you know it was OUR cigarettes that caused your cancer? Pretty evil, huh? 

The other is for The Cuntingwealthy Bank, interviewing their customers about their level of satisfaction with the service they receive. This is gold because we have to rewrite customers’ actual responses into less offensive, more company-positive messages that are then passed on to the branches to contribute to employee KPIs and are posted on the internal website so the shareholders can see what a great company they own. Also a wee bit evil, no? It goes against everything market research is supposed to represent. If there was ever integrity in the simple gathering of information to find truths it has been corrupted by Barry and his corporate shit-sucking mates. It makes me wonder why we bother calling people at all for this project – we could just make the shit up, that is what we’re doing most of the time anyway.

The problem at its root is that the business of market research is a fiction. Our company produces nothing. Numbers on a page that are the result of meticulously engineered questionnaires tailored to produce the exact outcomes desired by the client. The manner in which the work is carried out is completely irrelevant. You could pay people top dollar for the best work or, like Barry does, pay the bare minimum to keep yourself out of jail and say bollocks to quality. The end results are indistinguishable from one another, so unless you have any interest in people as anything other than earning potential, it makes sense to create a shithole like Corgan’s.

This does not, however, change the fact that Barry Corgan is an evil dog-felching bastard and his empire is thoroughly contemptible. I believe, if you employ people, you have a duty to provide them with an environment where, even if their job is meaningless, they feel as though they are respected, they’re paid properly and treated with basic human dignity. Barry Corgan is a rotten-to-the-core-son-of-a-whore and I would happily beat the fucker to a stinking bloody pulp and then do a shit in his hat. Fuck you Barry!!!

6 Responses to “Having A Big Shit In The Nest”

  1. Old Gregg Says:

    I’m loving the ballsy direction this blog is taking.

    I, too, have a Barry. Fuck Barry. Fuck him. Fuck all the Barrys, in the world, anywhere, everywhere!

    viva la revolution.

  2. Your rant makes your job sound a hell of a lot like Winston Smith’s in 1984; especially about altering respondent’s answers to gratify shareholders, which reminds me of Winston thinking his job is to substitute one piece of nonsense for another, so lying doesn’t really enter into it. (I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’ve worked for telemarketing firms and market research firms, as well as other minimum wage bullshit jobs.) I really hope you are able to find a better job elsewhere, and soon (hey, maybe you already have–this is an older rant, right?). I was lucky enough to be able to quit my market research job when I found another job that paid better. I had originally been planning to keep the market research job just long enough to help pay off my student debt, but what decided me on quitting was a survey that asked people with dogs what their ethnic background and sexual orientation was. I told the supervisor I wasn’t comfortable asking people that, and I was pretty sure it was against the law, and was told it was legal (of course–they NEVER did illegal stuff there…) and if people didn’t want to answer they didn’t have to. When he refused to put me on a different survey, I walked out. While I find your rants amusing, and clearly I’m not the only one, I really hope you find a better job because there’s no point in this one.

  3. Buck your blog posts make me laugh so much my tits ache. I think I’m addicted.

  4. You are one pathetic cunt. Miserable fucking cocksucker if you don’t like your job, why the fuck did you choose it? Because you’re a fucking directionless misanthrope who hates humanity. i’m glad you’re not happy. It makes me happy knowing how utterly empty you are inside.

    • Simon Denvir Says:

      Maybe because they need to eat, pay the mortgage and good jobs are in short supply? This origin of this blog isn’t the enemy here and I think you’re missing their point. Sounds to me like you’re the misanthrope, while the person that writes the blog has just found themself on the wrong end of woeful managements style. Why would someone’s distress cause you to be happy, what did they ever do to you?

    • I used to work at Barry Corgan’s. It was a means to an end while I was at Uni. Don’t be so quick to judge people when you don’t know the full story.

      On another note, fantastic blog Buck!

Leave a Reply to Jayne Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: