Pamphlet Monkeys – Stupid, Bastards or Both?

It was raining this morning. I was disappointed to find that the postman had been unable to get my letter all the way into my letterbox and as a result it was a little wilted from the rain. It wasn’t the postie’s fault, one of the local pamphlet monkeys had stuffed my letterbox to the brim with catalogues from Big W and a whole host of other corporate propagandists. Incidentally, my letterbox does have a clear legible label, politely written with: No Advertising Material Accepted Thank You!

This happened a couple of months ago. I rang Big W and spoke to their person-who-deals-with-this-sort-of-thing and calmly explained that their pamphlet monkey needed to be re-educated in basic sign recognition. She assured me that they’d “get on it” and thanked me for my politeness. 

So what the SHIT-EATING JESUS is going on? Do I have a new illiterate monkey in my neighbourhood? Do my monkeys have memory problems so the conditioning only lasts a couple of months? WHAT THE FUCK??? I fucking hate this shit. I mean everyone hates spam in their email. But this is worse, this is the original, REAL spam. It’s fucked not only because you don’t need or want it. It’s fucked because it fills up your mailbox so your real mail has to hang out in the rain. It’s fucked because it would be better left as trees that give us oxygen and facilitate our continued existence on planet Earth. It’s fucked because I asked them really nicely to CUNTING WELL STOP and now they’ve started again! 

If I was doing that cuntingly useless job, I’d try and find a way to deliver less pamphlets not more. A mate of mine in high school was a pamphlet monkey for a while. He hated it, said the money was shit even back then when we were all broke and any money at all was cool. His scam was to do his round in a really half-arsed way so only one in five houses got a pamphlet and then dump the rest in the building site behind his house, it was genius…until they sprung him, but he figured they were ripping him off so he’d just rip a bit back.

My local monkey must be a complete idiot. I’m all for shit people having jobs, but how do you fuck a job like that up? Even if you can’t fuckin’ read you can learn that sign on mailbox mean no pamphlet. Can’t you, you fucktards? I could train a dog to understand that! Either my monkey is a complete bastard and he’s doing it deliberately or Big W just think they can break my spirit with a WWII-style propaganda drop. Well, if it is Big W, they can bloody well go fuck themselves. I won’t be shopping at Big W-A-N-K-E-R-S, it doesn’t matter how many trees they shove through my letterbox, they won’t break me. And if it’s just a psychological problem that my pamphlet monkey is suffering, I may just have to grab my trusty cricket bat and re-educate the fucker myself.

3 Responses to “Pamphlet Monkeys – Stupid, Bastards or Both?”

  1. You could do what I can occasionally be arsed to do when the reams of ad blurb jam up my letterbox – write across the blur “Unsolicited mail” or somesuch – get the largest envelope you have and put the tract in, address it to the advertiser, and then mail it. The advertiser then has to pay (double whatever the postage is, I think) to get your mail which is, in effect, just desserts because they’re getting unwanted muck like you did. (sorry for the rambling)
    As I say, it’s an occasional thing I do, only when they particularly piss me off but I do get some satisfaction knowing I’m making a dent in their profits. (I have a dream that everyone who is pissed off with all this muck coming through their letterboxes does this simultaneously.)

  2. Yes! Yes a thousand times! Set a date, please… I’m on board and I will coerce everyone I know into taking part too.

  3. Cherax destructor Says:

    A mate of mine had a good solution. He got a set of letter punches and made his own sign for the letter box “NO JUNK MAIL – this means YOU, cunt!” I reckon you could make a killing selling the bloody things on ebay!

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