10 People I’d Love To Smash – #9

#9: Lleyton Hewitt

Little Wanker. I could just leave it at that, it sort of says it all.

Straight out of the reclaimed wasteland of West Lakes SA, Lleyton Hewitt turned professional at 17 and quickly became known as Little Wanker for his on-court antics. Pumping himself up with screams of C’mon! and occasionally C’mon Balboa! in a homage to the Rocky franchise and his trademark vicht salute which he slyly appropriated from Swedish pro Niclas Kroon when the patent lapsed.  Most of the mindless, illiterate bogans who worship him refer to this as doing a Lleyton, if only they realised that it’s really signified opportunistic theft as much as victory. How very convict-chic!

In all fairness, there are very few of us who could honestly say we weren’t wankers at the age of 17, and fame and fortune can’t make that any easier. The real litmus test, however, is that a reasonable proportion of us change. Change is theoretically made easier by the presence of material wealth as it is this that facilitates choice and makes self-improvement more of an easy option. Unfortunately, Lleyton has not yet availed himself of this opportunity. Instead, the juvenile antics continue and his sporting achievements wane and then there’s this:

The former World No. 1 married Bec Cartwright – former soapie star, a girl with no discernable ability or character that might challenge or upstage L-Wank. She’s the cottage cheese of womanhood, bland and uninteresting, non-threatening, low fat and very G-rated. The sort of woman you fuck when you really just want to fuck yourself. Let’s not forget that Lleyton-lookalike Kim Klijsters might have been the girl had she not possessed talent and character. L-Wank and Bec have been cited by conservative tools like number 8 as a portrait of what hetero-sexual-nuclear-families are supposed to be like, and they have been breeding much to the delight of the tabloids and masses of overweight, Channel 9-watching fucktards. They make me want to vomit. It’s like a 1950’s Westinghouse commercial with extra blonde.

Lleyton Hewitt is a little wanker, an arseclown and a fuckstick. Childish, petulant, occasionally racist and homophobic – the little man’s boof-head. I’d love to smash Lleyton Hewitt, in the front bar with a pool cue, old-school, like the little bogan fuckwaste he is.

8 Responses to “10 People I’d Love To Smash – #9”

  1. Old Gregg Says:

    “the cottage cheese of womanhood” – amen, brother.

  2. Lucy Slattery Says:

    Dear Buck,
    This reminds me of an excellent game I used to play with a friend of mine called; ‘You know who I fucken HATE?’. A couple of my personal favourites include; Nicole Kidman, Catriona Rowntree and that fucken bitch from the ‘brand power’ ads.
    I also fucken HATE little Lleyton. It may give you some pleasure to know that when he was young, if he lost a tennis match, his parents made him walk home. It’s my suspicion they probably just didn’t like him. Take care.

  3. Spot on,most people love him cos he’s an Aussie tennis player but i can’t stand the little cunt, he’s an arrogant spoilt fuckwit and he’s an embarrasment to Oz i hope he loses all his piss weak matches

  4. Hans Licht Says:

    Nice Roy and HG references.

  5. If you did smash Ley Ley would you give Bec a good one right in her smug, smirking pig eyed face too please?

    I fucking hate both of them, so fucking boring.

  6. No comment

  7. Hewitt is a fucking tosser! ive never seen a bigger wanker in my life! his wife pisses me off too!

  8. That was Gold! lol…I love your work!

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