The Dog Will Have His Day

I went jogging this morning – I go every now and again. Not that I’m a fitness fanatic or anything, I just find that it calms me down and makes me a bit more tolerant. You know, get out in the crisp early morning air, find a nice bit of parkland, get the blood pumping, feel like I might throw up. Then go home feeling, in some small way, virtuous, ready for breakfast and better able to cope with whatever dilemmas the rest of the day might throw my way…like the huge piece of dog shit I just stepped in.

BASTARDS! Fucking bastard dog owners. I see them, the rotten fuckers. Every day, up early taking their dog for a shit while I’m out running. There’s a load of dog owners who are very responsible, they take their dogs out, the dogs shit and the owners pick it up. Nice. But then there are the crafty motherfuckers who think they’re too good to pick up dog shit, the people who justify their behaviour to themselves by saying: Oh well, it’s biodegradeable or some similarly vacuous piece of pseudo-thought. They take their dogs to public parks with the sole purpose of letting them shit and with absolutely no intention of picking it up. You’ve seen them, I’m sure. They are often middle class, apparently wholesome, normal-looking citizens. They look like law-abiders, but really they’re closet sociopaths. They usually let their dogs off the leash for a run as soon as they hit the park, but you can tell that’s not their real agenda. If they’re alone they are men who walk with purpose maybe throwing a ball (but never in the direction they’re walking) so the dog can run and shit safely outside their line of sight. If not solo, they’ll be the girlfriends who are so engrossed in their mindless conversation about last night’s episode of Brothers & Sisters that they’re conveniently oblivious to their dogs laying cable like they work for Telstra in the middle of a public park where I’m just trying to go for a RUN, YOU CUNTS, I WANT YOU TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!

I fucking hate dog shit. I like dogs, I just hate their shit. I FUCKIN’ HATE IT! But that’s not the dogs’ fault – we all shit, hell, I hate human shit too, I just don’t seem to step in it so often. The worst part of this is the insidious, malicious calculatedness of it all. If you have a dog you know it has to shit, you learn when it has to shit, and yet these miscreants have engineered a conceit to avoid dealing with it. Shit denial, that’s what it is, and it’s fucking evil! I mean, really, what’s so fucking hard about scooping it into a bag and throwing it away? You don’t get dirty and everyone gets to enjoy public spaces. You live in fuckin’ society, don’t you? Well, fuckin’ clean up after your dogs!


Well, I’ve fuckin’ had it. Shit all through the tread of my joggers, I’m standing like a twat on one leg, scraping bits of poo out with a stick then rubbing the sole in the grass to get the rest off, repeat, stick, rub, repeat, but the smell endures and no doubt will continue to endure until I get home and wash the fucking things.

Fuck it! I’m drawing a line in the sand. If you’re reading this and you’re a dog owner who likes to take their dog for bag-free turds at the park, look out for joggers. I am fuckin’ watching you. One day I will fucking catch you. And when I do, and you’ve neglected to remove a steaming dog egg from the grass, I will pick it up. I’ll pick that shit up with my bare hands and I will chase you. I will rub that shit in your face, all over your smug fucking face, through your stupid hair, I’ll make you EAT your dog’s shit. I’LL MAKE YOU FUCKING EAT IT! And then…I’ll wipe my hands off on your never-been-sweat-in tracksuit…and I will disappear…like Keyser Sose…only laughing. Ha ha ha!


5 Responses to “The Dog Will Have His Day”

  1. cynicpink Says:

    I laughed so much reading this I thought i was gonna have a stroke. Hilarious, but I agree. I should write one about barking bloody dogs. I can’t stand mindless, continous yapping dogs with deaf friggin owners. I doubt I would be able to write as good as this tho. I’m still wringing out my hankie lol

  2. that was the funniieesst blog ive read in a long time hahaha
    i will watch out for u next time i take the dog fora shit

  3. HAHAHA! i secretly fantasize about just picking up the shit and throwing it at ‘them’ too. however, you take it one step, two steps, three steps further by giving the owners a shit shower. fucking hilarious! that’ll teach ’em.

  4. The last paragraph is epic. Possibly the best solution to clean up social space from canine feces would be you reading this live on abc. All the fuckers would be so thrown off and terrified by you they wouldn’t risk letting their dog shit in munich even if they knew you were in australia.

    And by the way I know what you mean. Most places in Paris are like your municipal park, except larger, and we live in it.

  5. Basically what happened to you on that day regularly happens to people going to work in the morning. Yeah, in the middle of the fucking street. The rotten fuckers.

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