Pedestrian Catatonia – A Social Disease & Its Possible Cure Through Mindless Violence.

One my least favourite things is mass stupidity. I can sometimes forgive individual stupidity but mass stupidity makes me want to buy automatic weapons. There are many manifestations of this phenomenon but the easiest place to find it is in any urban area in any developed western country.

Just go to the shops or into the city with a purpose. It doesn’t matter what purpose, it can be as simple as going to the bank or buying lunch. As long as you’re in a reasonably urban environment during a time when shops are open you will be hindered by them.

I’m sure they were the inspiration for Romero’s Dawn Of The Dead. They are the zombie-like shoppers who wander aimlessly, usually with eyes facing a direction other than the one they’re walking in. They lumber along in meandering patterns at a Thorazine pace blocking footpaths, walkways, escalators, doorways and stairwells EVERYWHERE! They move like swarm of locusts-with-most-of-the-limbs-pulled-off, completely without purpose, dazzled by bright sparkly signs and shiny things in shop windows, and with an unconscious malice that subverts and destroys purpose in others wherever it can. But worst of all, unlike real zombies, it’s completely illegal to blast the fuck out of them with shotguns or stove their heads in with any kind of bat. Big fucking pity that. I fucking hate them!

If you are reading this and realize that you go to the shops and vague out, if you find yourself at the bottom of an escalator (after blocking both sides of it with your fucktard friend, standing there like wankers because you’re either lazy cunts or you just think it’s a fucking fair-ground ride and so no-one behind can walk down past you) staring into space so the people getting off behind you have to squeeze past your immobilised arse, if you are deaf to the words excuse me then you could be one of them. If you are then I fucking hate you too, and I’ll tell ya now: Watch the fuck out! One day, and it may be soon, I might just punch you in the back of your fucking head!

Just the idea of it fills me with a feeling of euphoria. I would love nothing more than to really punch one of them in the back of their head, like really fucking hard and then when the glazed eyes turned slowly toward me to scream into the soulless void of a face: WAKE UP, YOU FUCK! Or better still, to dress up like James Caan out of Rollerball and just belt through their numbers pushing them out of my way, elbowing them in the backs of their stupid slow heads, kicking their legs out from under them and stomping the fuck out of their prostrate cadavers without breaking stride. Passers-by would turn to just see me disappearing through the crowd at a cracking pace, leaving a path of moaning, hobbled bodies in my wake.

Yeah, yeah, sociopath…anger management…tolerance, blah blah blah – it’s just a fantasy you fucking hippy, so shut your self-righteous yap and go buy a sense of humour and some soap. Cunt.

Pedestrian Catatonia might be a more PC term for this condition but whatever you call it, it’s a fucking menace. I’m not talking about just different people walking at different speeds, that’s just society, living with others and all that. I’m talking about the extreme-asleep-standing-up-no-fucking-spatial-awareness urban zombies. This is a real disease, and it’s a western disease. This level of collective vagueness doesn’t exist in less-developed nations, and I’m pretty sure there is one simple reason for it. In other countries people have things to do, they have purpose and they’re not over-burdened with wealth They don’t have any need of wandering around like lost children just waiting for some kind retailer to relieve them of their disposable income for something they don’t need so the sweet, honest high of retail therapy can block out the desperate meaninglessness of their existence for a time. I suppose I should feel pity for them. I should recognize that they’re just victims of globalization and capitalism-gone-mad just the same as the children who stitch the NIKE caps they wear.

NO! NO! FUCK NO! It’s no fucking use. They are a blight on humanity – they should all be euthanased and turned into fertilizer. 6 billion people on a planet ready to shit itself and some bleeding arsehole wants me to be nice to people who are so over-indulged and privileged that they forget how to be human and turn into…well, what? What would you call them?

51 Responses to “Pedestrian Catatonia – A Social Disease & Its Possible Cure Through Mindless Violence.”

  1. Thank you wise one. You are my hero.
    If ever your looking for numbers to combat this army of undead air criminals, contact me.
    S.

  2. I’m a willing recruit for this superarmy. Forget Salvation Army donations, I’ll arm this cause with all my spare dollars. Actually, flag rent: I’ll put ALL my dollars on this one.

  3. This is quite possibly one of the best rants i’ve ever read. i’d be glad to go on a fuckhappy killing spree to get rid of these mindless meatsacks.
    you start recruiting and ill start punching.

    Merk em all

  4. OMG, im not alone, i have these wild violent fantasies all the time whenever im going to work in central london. This has made my night!

  5. Hear, Hear! (Or is it Here, Here?)
    Xian i am with you friend, I have to travel to southwest london from northeast, and God.. you’re on a platform, walking at a REGULAR pace, and these twats just stop, or pop out of fucking-nowhere RIGHT in front of you.

    Good grief, don’t get me started.

    I work for an unnamed architects, and i SERIOUSLY suggested we re-design oxford street (big time slow-ped street) to have an extra walkway for slow people, and leave the main street for those of a regular speed.

    Anyway,
    Nice

    Rich

  6. Lee Ramsell Says:

    Great rant, thought it was just me who was terminally angry at the fucking mindless cunts who inhabit public places. I’ll be ready with my baseball bat come the day of reckoning.

  7. almost as bad as slow walkers are these douche bags riding their skateboards and bicycles on the god damn sidewalk!

    if your too much of a pussy to ride your bike on the road…THEN GET OFF IT.

    if one more fucktard cuts in front of me with his cool backwards hat and his useless piece of plywood with wheels i’m going to stick my blade in his side

  8. Venting is essential – and so is humor – but if tolerance is a fantasy . . . then we’re all far more fucked than a bunch of cunts mindlessly grabbing @ shiny things . Be careful not to drop YOUR soap – in the prison shower YOU’LL be frequenting after YOU blow YOUR fuse on some old lady going down the escalator. Do YOU really give half a fuck about THEM – or do YOU just like to bitch because YOU are miserable?

  9. I Hate People Says:

    Forget FANTASISING about hurting these bastards…just go for it.

    I used to carry a metal lunchbox to TAFE, and it became a useful tool with which to whack these fuckers out of the way. It is surprisingly therapeutic. But the lunchbox became severely dented, and one of the hinges came off. Now I carry a golf umbrella which is equally effective, if not more so, as the sharpened tip may be rammed into people’s feet or backsides.

    By the way, you can only go to jail if you get caught. And even then, you may be able to argue “self-defence against stupidity”.

  10. Michelle Says:

    THAT, was amusing. Definetely one of the best rants i’ve heard/seen/read in a while, and so very true. 😀

  11. That’s hot you guy,the worst thing is that you meet them when you are in a hurry esp when am late for class. I can thnk of mo than 100 ways to kill these fukers

  12. I can’t stand these escalator blocking human paraquats. I would like to bring a chainsaw with me when I go to the mall, so I can clear a path as these retarded fucks stand there with their glazed over eyes . If only…

  13. Could have been me writing this!!!! So TRUE!!!

  14. wow! this made me wet!!! LOL I LOVE IT!

  15. R Seston Says:

    I too am a hater of the general public – fuckin chimps. I wish they’d all get out of my fucking way. These lemming-like half wits are the bain of my pitiful life…fuckin vermin. DIE….!!!

  16. I like the way you think

  17. Penfold Says:

    A girl from my university seriously got attacked in this way….and that’s no joke!

  18. Penfold Says:

    I think you’ve just helped to explain the mindset of all the cranky people you see walking around in large cities….they should just get over it

  19. good one mate. when the action starts near berlin, london or istanbul, i’ll be around with my pancor jackhammer.

  20. Ok, i do agree but as i sat here reading this i thought why am i reading something i know.

    I realised then its 1.30am and am just bored, then i thought what sat man has sat her actually typeing something everyone knows and WTF am i doing reading it.

    THen i laffed an thought id leave this comment.

    next time u see a slow walker “accedently” barge into them to give a “little” wake up call 😉

  21. I liked your rant so much I put a link to it on my blog (see web site address above). I live in a city which I shall not name but shall only describe as being between East & West and trust me, it could compete with any of the places you’re thinking of when it comes to mass stupididity!

  22. Fuck slow people! Fuck dizzy-stupid-not-paying-attention people! I cant walk down the street without being inconvenienced by some inconsiderate, oblivious fuckwit.

    Marge, get my gun

  23. True say my friend, the worst offending groups are old biddies in huge groups moaning about the world and its not like the old days, and complaining about their various medical conditions, Students blahing on about what Mummy and Daddy has just bought them, and Mobile Phone Morons, their remaining brain cell has just been fried by the microwave pulses from the handset, as they wander around like a fart in a trance spouting bullshit in a loud voice!!! Gatling gun and grenade launcher anyone?!

  24. Cynthia Says:

    I love you. Marry me.

  25. LOL They WERE the inspiration for Romero’s Dawn Of The Dead. That was the point of the movie: To show America the redundancy of consumerism and how they had become so robotic and mindless – like sheep.

    I love your rationalization though. Very amusing. You really can’t let them bother you though. Dunno… Maybe because I live in New York City and have become so used to dealing with the rest of America (and people of other countries) coming to my streets, idiotically stopping and staring like they’ve never seen a billboard or a building before. I just say “move” and shove past them. It’s a waste to try to be polite to such asinine people. Don’t let them ruin your day.

  26. U are an Idiot, The proof is the fact that ypu have to use the F word every other word. It’s people like you that create fuel and start wars. In fact I can’t even begin to describe what an Idiot you are!!

  27. Buck Frain Says:

    JK, you are a stupid cunt!
    What happened? Did you just wake up here? Did you even look at the title of the blog?
    Whilst it would appear you’ve a fair handle on reading, it seems you lack comprehension skills, a sense of humour and writing’s certainly not your strong suit. Buy a thesaurus and try using the grey thing inside your skull, then you might be ABLE to describe why I’M the idiot. If I’m starting a war it’ll be a war against useless fuckbags like your miserable self.
    Fuck your mother and eat my arse!!!

  28. here here, i think the day of reckoning must be close at hand… we’ll make a date, september 12th smite a fucktard day, ok amend that, smite an urban zombie, there must be enough ppl supporting us to make a dint in a crowd somewhere… Lets get some guys

  29. That was one of the funny’st things i have ever read i could never explain how i feel about slow walking fuckpigs but you just put it all into words i am at your service for the day of reckoning!

  30. fucktards be gone. Says:

    totally agree with you darling.there was once,i was walking minding my own business when a loser on a skateboard came out of nowhere,flew down the stairs and landed on the floor in front of me,missing me by inches.fucktard!a couple of his skater buddies laughed like retards a distance away.

  31. Andres Trece Says:

    At my country (colombia) this zombie-like stupidity takes this form: people that walk very… very… very slow … usually walks side by side so they can take the complete street… they deserve mindless violence

  32. John Stuart Says:

    I couldn’t agree more, this is a DIRE scourge that must be Eradicated by Unreasonable application of Violence.
    I think you have All missed one Particularly Pernicious manifestation though; overweight, under-age Mothers with Big, Fuck-off-Wide Pushchairs that fill the Whole Pavement, practically. There are 2 variants of this- Posh Housewives who have just Waddled out of their 4x4s long enough to stare at clothes & cafes &think they Own the Pavement, & Scally Teens who have at least 3 mates with them & just stop at Random Places to Smoke & Chatshit. Both Equally worthy of Summary Execution, perhaps we could put their children in a home where they are trained to walk around Fast all day, without Stopping….

  33. I occasionally body-check particularly annoying people who get in my way. Sometimes I just growl. Rarely, I say, “Fucking MOVE!” when I’m really not in the mood.

    By “body-check” I mean squaring your shoulders, leaning into it and plowing into somebody or winging him with my elbows. It is a little like Rollerball.

    I’m a 5’8″ white chick living in NYC. Eventually I’m going to get killed. And you can say I wrote on your blog.

  34. Joshua Thoresen Says:

    YES YOU are so increadibly right!!!!
    This world is spinning rapidly out of control and all these fucktards do is walk catatonically slow, oblivious to the fact that they are rapidly screwing up this world to the point of no return!!!
    They NEED to be taught a lesson and if i see anyone gettin the crap beaten out of them for walking slow i will definately join in i dont care if i get arrested !!! they need to be taught a lesson in fact society in general needs to wake the fuck up out of this mass catatonia and realise the hole they are in before it gets to deep to our way out!!

    “NO NO DIG UP STUPID!!”

  35. I hear you. I’m always complaining about this.
    Well you know what the worst is?
    When a train is arriving and you’re trying to make it up the stairs in time.
    People oblivious to the arriving trains are trotting slowly up the stairs. Not at the side, coz that might be okay and unobstructive. No, they’re walking in the most hindering place possible, right in that gap you would normally be running up to catch your train in time.
    You miss the train by seconds and have to wait another 10 mins, due to these peoples fuckness.

  36. They exist in the less-developed nations as well. **scowls**

  37. Count me in. We should consolidate our numbers, then all lobby our MPs for a change in the law and petition for a minimum walking speed in populated areas. Failure to comply, of course, will be punishable by death. This will be delivered summarily by members of this organisation. The end result will be the legalisation of the afore-mentioned blowing away of these fuckers with shotguns, as with real zombies.

  38. This is not a very good piece of writing, and it strikes me as a more crude copy (if that were possible) of Maddox.

    Why do you care so much about what other people do? I think it’s people like you who need to be woken up – How other people spend their time, be it standing around in urban areas or reading blogs on the internet, is really not something that shouldn’t concern anyone else.

    I understand that you might get a little bit annoyed by losing those precious 3 seconds of time it takes to squeeze past the next large consumer carrying a large coke, but in the long run of things, a few seconds isn’t going to make a shit ounce of difference in your life.

    You’re like a boy racer, pushing his Fiat Punto to 80 mph on a school road because you figure that, “If I go more than the speed limit I’ll be saving myself an extra minute!” Hate to break it to ya buddy, if you try to work it out on a pen and a pad you really don’t save yourself that much time by speeding around everywhere.

    I think everyone could do with a little slowing down – All this “rush rush, buy buy, work work, die” is too stressful for me. Let slow people be happy – They’ll probably live longer than you, anyways.

    If it is such a bother for someone to entertain themselves for ten minutes without having a PSP or a book, then there’s your real problem.

  39. Buck Frain Says:

    Nah, you’re a cunt! Read the whole post, fuckbag, maybe cross-reference with a few of the others. Enough? If you’re goggling out in the mall like a consumerist slave watch out ’cause I’ll be cracking you in the back of the head with my elbow to get you out of my way. I have an aversion to people who succumb to the Gruen Transfer, and to fucksticks like you. Eat my shit!!!

  40. Just what I expected, a blunt response. I also see you only respond to people who don’t agree with you, and you do so in an aggressive way. There’s another group of people who do the same thing: Scientologists.

    So, it strikes me that you’re a combo between a Scientologist and copy of an already well-known internet blogger – Blatantly false and non-creative.

    Even in your response to me you’ve written nothing of any point. You don’t want to get bogged down by people standing around looking in shop windows? Here’s a hint : Don’t go to the city during lunchtime. Stick to wherever you’re from, or to the street in the city you live on. Even better: Learn to cook.

    I guess this’ll be followed by another shining example of “You don’t agree with me? UGH ERGH UGH CUNT UGH ERGH”, but after doing what you suggested and reading a few of your other posts, I realise that this is the extent of your writing abilities, so I won’t hold it against you.

  41. Buck Frain Says:

    Enough!

    I don’t ordinarily engage in debates with congenital morons but I have no choice but to illuminate your chronic lack of perspective.

    Calling you a cunt was not a blunt response. It was very deeply thought-out and heartfelt. You are a cunt, you are a tight little gash that people fuck.

    I apologise to you if my blog is nothing more than a pale imitation of your ex-boyfriend’s amazingly famous blog I’ve never heard of. It’s unintentional and as they say, there are no new ideas. You obviously have a good deal more time to spend reading the musings of others than I do.

    If you don’t rate my writing, that’s OK. I readily concede I’m no Shakespeare but really my aim here is not to be the best at anything. I write here to give people a laugh. If my sense of humour doesn’t appeal to you, don’t read it. Pretty easy, huh? Read something else, there’s a great body of literature out there, you’ve no need to obsess over me.

    You also seem to be taking me a lot more seriously than I take myself so here’s another tip: go to a mirror, look into your own eyes and spoonerise my name, out loud, three times and you’ll truly see yourself.

    Cheers, bitch!

  42. PyroVidal Says:

    Ah, how wonderfull it is to see someone write about this. All this time I thought it was me, think that it’s stupid for people to stand ON THE STAIRS, in DOORWAYS, INFRONT OF ESCALATORS/STAIRS/ELEVATORS or RIGHT INFRONT OF YOU. I’ve taken to the habit of just shoving past those people. Some of them stack it.

  43. PyroVidal Says:

    I just remembered two quotes that fit this;
    “Two things in this world are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not too sure about the former.”
    and
    “Against stupidity, even the gods contend in vain.”

    Sorry for the double post.

  44. Beautiful!
    Passionate, honest, and beautiful.

    Enough, you know what you remind me of? Interestingly, a cross between a mindless zombie and a blind follower of christianity. (Actually- I think they’re the same thing)

    Why don’t you try getting that self-righteous stick out of your ass and waddle on? Does it hurt you to read this? Does it affect your useless little life?
    No? Then kindly back the fuck off.
    You know why that 3 fucking seconds are so fucking precious? Because it’s the idea behind it. You are not so much fucking better than anyone else that you can stand in the way of everyone else to have your petty conversations. I don’t get in your way and hold you up, why the fuck should anyone else have the right to do it to me? I’m often doing something too, browsing a store, buying some lunch, or games or whatever. And yet, I don’t feel the need to walk at a snail’s pace and take up all the fucking walkway.
    I walk quickly, and to the side, because I know where I’m going, I’m not just wasting time.

  45. As a commuter who perpetually misses my subway connection due to a particular narrow stairway and the jackasses who decide that stairway is the best possible place to {stop, pick their nose, check their map, look in their purse, speak another language with their friends, be a stereotypical female slow-walker who can’t exceed 1ft/s on stairs}, I applaud this post. And I applaud everyone else who posts on the subject — too bad the slow-walkers are too busy with their Readers Digest to realize the quorum of enforcers that is amassing (and unifying?). And I endorse the return of public flogging, though maybe not for this offense. When I miss my train, I take my frustration out by being as unpleasant a person to wait with as possible, so that they’ll regret having not let me through in time.

  46. This plague has managed to span the entire globe. I live on an island in Canada and I thought this was just a result of the related defect “island time”. Clearly it’s not. I was just walking on a sidewalk outside the grocery store and this dipshit staring at her feet came right towards me! I had no were to go as the rest of the sidewalk was clogged with other oblivious assholes. When she got to my feet and looked up, the look on her face was one of complete fucking astonishment that there are in fact other human beings on this planet! Who knew? What I really what to know is why if these fucktards think they have a right to walk slow and “be happy” (Enough), then why the fuck can’t they haul their ass up K2 and walk slow up there? I promise if they do I won’t bother them up there, but stay the fuck off the sidewalks, escalators and any other main thoroughfair! And I bet you’re the same fucks that bring a whole fucking cart of groceries to the express chekout and then pay with a cheque. Burn em all!

  47. A,

    I’m glad I came back to have a look at this place again.

    I never thought I’d actually have to say this, but you are an actual walking penis.

    It really is a little scary with how mentally retarded you are.

    “You know why that 3 fucking seconds are so fucking precious? Because it’s the idea behind it. You are not so much fucking better than anyone else that you can stand in the way of everyone else to have your petty conversations.”

    Are you so vain that you think in any time or place that I would even bother to think about you, or about how I may or may not effect you?

    I know “petty conversations” sounds BAAAAAD, but I like to be social – You remember, friends? Family? Significant other? These are things you may have had before you opened your mouth and everyone heard the mumbled “I’m a fuckwit” in the worst broken English possible.

    You’re like that drunk girl at the party who is screaming “THIS SONG IS ABOUT ME” over and over – Stupid, and about to get royally fucked by the entire basketball team.

    At least Buck Frain can be a intelligent and insulting. The only thing insulting about reading your post was the actual reading of it.

    Why should you have more right to the public areas than anyone else? If you really look at it, it’s YOU who are being the selfish ones, not someone who chose to walk slow. Speak about looking in mirrors?

    Wake the fuck up before you come on here trying to be smart, and don’t bother replying to this if all you’re going to do is be a gigantic, (quickly) walking hypocritical knob.

  48. Those “3 seconds” (hell, really, even just *1*) can make a big difference.

    Even a life-altering one…

    …say, if you miss your train so that you have to wait for the next train, which then gets held up on the tracks because of a bomb in the city…

  49. Buck Frain Says:

    Enough!

    Indeed it is enough.
    I don’t censor comments on my blog regardless of whether they’re favourable or critical but I feel my supporters deserve better than your juvenile toolishness.

    For those of you who’ve also had enough of Enough! I’m going to go out on a limb. I doubt Enough! had enough balls to leave a genuine e-mail address here but just in case he did, you can tell him first-hand, up-close-and-personal just what you think of his infantile scribblings by sending your venom to: billy_bob_monkhouse@hotmail.com

    Remember kids: this is MY angry place 🙂

    heh heh heh!

    Ah, I’m such a cunt!

  50. Try living in fucking Hong Kong!
    It’s a perpetual fucking nightmare!!!!

  51. Firstly, I do like the rant A LOT! I am a single parent and yet even when I had a double buggy, it was me being held up by the twats staring in shop windows, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN THE SHOP, GO IN THE FUCKING SHOP YOU PRICK! Several times I have threatened to run people over because they are too fucking obsessed with staring into the fucking sky to notice that there are other human beings on earth! It’s frightening really, these people are actually allowed to breed!

    Seccondly I too have heard of Maddox and your writing style is similar in as much as he rants, he also posts the email address of anyone who disagrees with him which is why I don’t like reading his shite. I really enjoyed reading everything here until that. You were capable of debating with ‘Enough’ without that. Use your ability to write a witty (even if it is offensinve) reply without just resorting to posting peoples private infomation.

    Finally – ‘Enough’ Those 3 seconds you put so much emphasis is really not the point at all here. I am the sort of person who, when caught in a traffic jam would rather drive round on the side roads even though it takes longer to get where I’m going because at least that way I feel like I am moving. I hate being held up by other people who are too selfish to move their fat arse out of the way. I don’t care how slowly you walk, just please have the courtesy to not block up the entire fucking pathway. There are far too many humans on this planet anyway, and whilst I enjoy my life (when I’m not being held up by fuckwits) I think some mindless violence on a massive scale would only do the planet good in the long run.

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