Victorian Police Officer Caught Dancing At Murder Scene

The Victoria Police is embroiled in scandal today as journalists captured photographs of a female officer apparently doing a ‘ribbon dance’ with police tape while cordoning off a murder scene in Bendigo.

The close community, already shaken by such a violent crime, has reacted strongly against what it perceives as disrespectful and grossly unprofessional behaviour.

A source outside the newsagency at the time said: “It was unbelievable. It was such a sombre scene and she just breaks into some sort of rhythmic gymnastics routine. A couple of people giggled and that seemed to spur her on, she was getting right into it. I just thought it was completely out of order.”

The dancing officer was allegedly pulled into line by a colleague who ushered her away from the media and assembled public, some quite disturbed by her antics in a scene that threatened to turn very ugly.

“Someone’s been murdered, for f___’s sake, have some respect.”, shouted an onlooker.

The outraged Bendigo community wants an explanation. Victoria Police has declined to comment on the matter pending further investigation.

Packed To The Rafters With Gormlessness!

A top psychologist has come out to warn fucking idiots obsessed with a piece-of-shit TV show that the death of a fictional character may cause them to feel an emotion. A major news outlet scrambled to alert an apathetic and increasingly gorm-deficient populace to this inconsequential drivel in the hope they could avoid having to report any of the significant events or issues that might warrant genuine social consideration.

If people start feeling emotions about things that aren’t real, they reasoned, it’s a real possibility that they may one day experience an emotion about something that is real. If this happened, then it’s down the slippery slope to people forming considered opinions about the world they live in and even taking actions towards making it a better place. This sort of thing could seriously threaten big business.

Fuck you, Australia, for taking it! Fuck you, Channel 7, for producing the flyblown arse that is Packed to the Rafters! Fuck you again for trying to disguise blatant plugs for your own TV show as legitimate news! – Yes, they seriously tried to pass plot plugs for the show as genuine news that implied that an actor had died! – And fuck you to the psychologist, Dr. Jan Hall, who thinks that experiencing emotions is something that the public need to be warned about! Are you fucking serious? I mean, are we as a society so alienated from our emotions that we need a public warning about the catastrophic grief we may experience at the loss of a fictional character on a TV show? Get fucked!

“Tell yourself it’s only a TV show, exercise to release the ‘happy drugs’ in your body, or watch a soppy DVD that makes you have a good cry,” she said.

Fuck the fucking fuck right off! Seriously, Dr Hall, do you actually think that people have forgotten the purposes and possible effects of drama? People empathising with fictional characters and experiencing emotions as a result of fictional events? What the cunting shit do you think has been going on for the last 2000 years? Theatre and catharsis – ring any bells? You fucking stupid cunt! JUST FUCKING DIE!!!

A massive FUCK YOU has to go out to The Herald Sun for giving any of this even the slightest consideration. YOUR ORGANISATION SHOULD BE OBLITERATED FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE NATIONAL INTELLECT!!!

By the way, the two million people who watch that excremental suburban banality should be set on fire for their lack of imagination or taste. Gormless fucks! I’m serious, I fucking hate you all!

All-in-one Kitchen Revolution!

Amazing breakthrough technology. 

Imagine a device so flexible and multi-purposed that it allowed you to throw away virtually all of your cumbersome kitchen appliances in one go.

It’s a slow-cooker, it’s a rice cooker, a bread maker, pie maker, fryer, boiler, roaster, steamer, griller and more. Entrees, mains, desserts, it can do them all. It make a thanksgiving dinner for the whole family, it can toast bread, it can even make you a cup of tea or coffee!!!

Anything you need to cook that requires heat can be prepared to gourmet chefs’ standards using this one device. 

How much would you pay for such an appliance? 

How about NOTHING AT ALL? 

Too good to be true? 

Not so! 

In Australia every house either rented or sold has one of these devices ALREADY!!! 

Yes, you miserable shit-sucking fuckholes, IT’S YOUR FUCKING OVEN!!! 

LEARN TO FUCKING USE IT AND STOP TWATTING ON ABOUT DOUCHEBAG, STUPID, PIECE-OF-SHIT APPLIANCES YOU’VE BEEN CONNED INTO BUYING BECAUSE YOU’RE A CUNTING USELESS PIECE OF MINDLESS EXCREMENT!!! 

LEARN TO COOK OR KILL YOURSELF AND SHUT THE  FUCK UP BECAUSE I’M FUCKING TIRED OF IT!!!

A Vote For Abbott Is A Vote For Al-Qaeda.

It’s a big call but I’ve had a gut-full! The federal election this Saturday is vital to the future of Australia. I survived the Howard years when the ironically-named Liberal Party stomped all over public opinion and consistently fucked the little guy in order to pump up the wealthy. I watched while the majority of Australians voted them in time and time again against their own interests. I still don’t know how and I still don’t know why. I can’t go back there. I FUCKING WON’T!

I’ve heard the parrot calls of RAWK! Think of the economy. RAWK! Usually coming from ill-informed cretins who don’t realise their thoughts aren’t in any way their own and that actually they’ve got big business’ hands up their arses.

I have absolutely no faith in democracy in this country because it seems to me that the majority of Australians are complacent, apathetic, ignorant and mentally lazy. We’ve had it good for so long that we don’t feel like we have a responsibility to educate ourselves to what’s really going on and to have an opinion about it. Although I love Australia dearly I don’t think I have any choice but to take a stand. If the good people of Australia are hell-bent on choosing the interests of a handful of wealthy individuals who care nothing for the environment or the future of Australia or its citizens, over the future of this wonderful country for themselves and their children, then I have to do something.

I have no influence and as has been repeatedly pointed out to me, I have no power. Other than choice. If you vote for the Liberal Party you have no soul. You have no compassion. You have no concern for the environment, or healthcare, or education, women or technology. You have no compassion for the people who flee terrible circumstances in other countries for a better life like the one we enjoy here. I read that at our present rates it would take 20 years for the flow of boat people to fill the MCG. That’s not a lot of people. Especially considering the strength of our economy and the size of our nation. Especially considering that these people want to work and contribute to our country to make us all stronger and richer. Many countries with far less resources do far more for people in trouble. We could do more if only we stopped thinking about how scared WE are and gave a thought for how thankful we should be for all we have and how we might share it with people less fortunate.

The mining companies in this country are grandmotherfucking cuntingly rich bastards and they’re only getting richer and they’re getting it from taking OUR very finite natural resources. I don’t mind anyone making money but Abbott doesn’t think the Australian people deserve a share of this wealth. He won’t tax those rich fat cunts!

If Abbott gets in this Saturday I’m joining Al-Qaeda and fuck you all!

Harsh? Fuck it. What else is left? If a country blessed with so many beautiful, wonderful qualities can choose fear and mean-spiritedness by a majority; if democracy can be rendered meaningless by propaganda that doesn’t even make sense; if people are so stupid that they will vote for a sport-obsessed, misogynist, xenophobic, homophobic, religious fundamentalist with no economic acumen and who is a self-confessed liar and committed to making ordinary citizens carry the bill for the lifestyles of the rich and shameless; I have no choice left but to declare war against such malevolent, wilful stupidity.

I will join Al-Qaeda if Liberal win on Saturday.

So, I don’t care who you vote for. It’s your vote and you should think about what the various parties and candidates represent and vote according to who you think will best serve the nation’s interests and contribute best to the future of Australia. By “think” I actually mean use some critical thinking, use some analytical skills to see what’s behind the P.R. hype, not just decide based on who you felt handled Mark Latham’s handshake best. CUNTS!!! Whatever! I’ve said my piece. Do what you want, but a vote for Abbott is a vote for Al-Qaeda, so don’t complain when you vote that smarmy wank-stain in and I blow your fucking shit up!

Stupid fucking monkeys!

Judge For Yourself.

There is a point at which ignorance becomes evil and just makes me want to murder people.

A QUEENSLAND judge has found the terms “nigger” and “sandnigger” are not offensive to a reasonable person.

This article just made me want to build a scud missile out of my neighbour’s VW, some left over fireworks, municipal pool supplies and blow the living shit out of Queensland with it. WHAT THE ARSE-FUCKED-OLSON-TWINS IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??? 

Senile bogan shit-sack Denis Mulheron, 62, of The Gold Coast (above) sent a disgraceful hate-speech-laden fax to Queensland lawmaker Peta-Kaye Croft under the misguided notion that as a bigoted white man someone should listen to his stupidity. OK, that’s bad. I know opinions are like arseholes, in that everyone has one, and Mr Mulheron certainly appears to need the shit flushed out of his. However, even in the Neanderthal state of Queensland, there are laws against racial vilification and, thankfully, Mulheron was charged with using a carriage service, i.e. the fax machine, to menace, harass or offend – this offence carries up to three years’ jail. 

I’m not saying he deserved to go away for 3 years. I am certain, however, that the case should not have been thrown out and I’m even more certain that Magistrate Michael O’Driscoll is criminally wrong to suggest that the above terms are not offensive to any “reasonable” person. This is what he said. This is what he ruled. 

I know a couple of reprobate white people who would probably agree. They also are wrong. However, I do not think any of my African friends nor any of my Indian, Middle Eastern nor Indigenous friends would agree. Everyone I have spoken to about this said that they would be offended by the terms and Mr Mulheron’s comments. According to O’Driscoll’s ruling, all of these people are not “reasonable”. Magistrate Michael O’Driscoll is saying by his ruling that non-racists are unreasonable. He’s saying that almost everyone I know is unreasonable to be offended by something that, in any other country I’ve lived in, would be understood by the general populace to be offensive. 

If that is not racism I don’t know what is. A member of the judiciary in this country has just rubber-stamped racism because he, as a white man, doesn’t find vilification of non-white people offensive and deigns to say anyone who does is not “reasonable”.  Magistrate Michael O’Driscoll should be fired and jailed. I’m all for freedom of speech and expression but with that comes responsibility. Freedom cannot extend to the freedom to malign people based on race, gender, sexuality or faith. If it does, that freedom is worth nothing because it protects no-one except the person who already hold all the cards. The flames of racism in Australia do not need to be fanned by anyone and the racist bogan masses of the cultural rectum of this country don’t need any encouragement.

By the way, if you’re a white person who doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with this decision please don’t bother to comment here. I don’t care to hear your ignorance. You don’t get to tell me how you’re white and don’t care if someone calls you cracker or pom. Fuck you! Fuck you to death with a jack-hammer! IT DOESN’T COUNT! YOU ARE THE PRIVILEGED  MAJORITY THEREFORE ANY MOMENTARY PAIN YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED BY FEELING DIFFERENT IS INCONSEQUENTIAL COMPARED TO WHAT IS EXPERIENCED BY GENUINE VICTIMS OF RACIAL OR CULTURAL VILIFICATION! YOU DON’T GET TO CASH IN AND PLAY THE VICTIM HERE SO FUCK OFF!!! 

To all the rest of you: have a nice day

Declaring War On Arse Terrorism

Pants. They’re great. One leg in each side, pull up, fasten – BOOM – you’re clothed. Girls, you may require something more. But seriously, they are a pretty simple thing, right? I love pants. They cover and protect while allowing freedom of movement, and the many different varieties of colour, fabric, style and design provide something for every taste and occasion. So, how the fuck does it come to pass that not being able to wear them properly should become cool? Why is every gormless nob-end, usually with haircut requiring 3 hours work per day just to keep it looking like a spontaneously gang-raped dog carcass, wearing their pants below their arse cheeks now? WHAT THE FUCK DID I MISS HERE??? When I gave a shit about cool, it had some sort of meaning to it. I didn’t necessarily buy into it but at least I could understand. Not being able to put on a pair of pants is just stupid. It just makes you look like a complete fucktard. I mean, you’re not more attractive with 4 inches of your manky underpants on show to the world.

Aside from the aesthetic repugnance of this devolution of human achievement, wearing pants like this doesn’t make life easier. Movement is restricted and one has to widen one’s stance to the ridiculous in order to keep the pants on, thus undermining one of the many great features of pants, i.e. they automatically stay on until you want to take them off. These cunts walk like they’ve just shat themselves and if they ever had cause to run they’d lose the pants in a second and either have to run holding them up (impractical at best in case you’ve never had to run) or fall face first into the ground. IT’S FUCKING STUPID!!!

I’ve looked into the phenomenon and apparently it all started in the US where African American kids decided they’d get way more respect if they dressed like they were in prison. In prison you’re not allowed to have a belt because you might hang yourself with it or maybe even use it to hurt someone else so it follows that prisoners’ pants don’t fit so well. OK, so I understand the origin. I even get that stupid kids think it’s cool to emulate criminals, however, at least some of the African American kids have the good grace to cover their ill-fitting pants with long t-shirts that cover their arses…and can also, incidentally, be conveniently used to conceal weapons. Sadly, dumbfuck Aussie white kids have once again completely missed any point that might have been there. They twat around in designer clothes their Liberal-voting mum paid for, they never carry guns and they wear short shirts to advertise the fact that their only statement to the world is fail pants. It’s completely fucked. And then to add insult to injury they add a belt to the ensemble. A CUNTING BELT!!! For fuck’s sake, the only purposes belts serve are to keep your pants above your hips or  to put holsters, handcuffs or superhero shit on, which will pull your pants down if you don’t have them on properly.

Having pants that don’t fit says:

• a) I’m poor
• b) I’m just out of jail where I did hard time as a large man’s wife and/or
• c) I’m armed, fuck you!

Having pants that look like they should fit, are assisted by a belt but still sit below your arse cheeks says:

• a) I’m intellectually disabled and my carer didn’t help me after I went to the toilet
• b) I’m a mindless follower of a consumer culture I don’t understand and/or
• c) I’m so unredeemably shit as a person that I like deliberately getting simple things wrong to complicate my pointless existence, you should grab me by my stupid hair and fling me down the nearest flight of stairs or into the path of the nearest oncoming train!

Why does it offend me? What? You mean apart from it being both ugly and stupid? You mean you need more? Well here it is: these miscreants sit on public transport and everywhere else in their underpants. That’s right. Stinky undies right on a seat that I have to share. The pants are so low they don’t get sat on! What, your designer jeans cost so much you don’t want to wear them out by sitting on them?  GET FUCKED!!! Put some cunting clothes on. Do you think you’re so beautiful that strangers want to see your arse or maybe even share its contents? YOUR MUM WAS BEING NICE!!! You’re not cool, you’re not hot, you’re a useless, ugly cunt! For shit’s sake, cover your stinking arse! Your pants are supposed to go there. They’re not just for you, they’re a barrier for everyone else against your e-coli and convict jizz. If you’re not wearing them over your arse there’s no point wearing them at all. It’s what they’re there for – THEY’RE MADE TO COVER YOUR ARSE!!!

In the end this amounts to nothing less than Arse Terrorism. I believe it’s a campaign of terror by fetishists who like to put their dirty arses on other people’s things and I cannot tolerate it any longer. I urge everyone to take action against these purveyors of ugliness, stupidity and disease. Whenever and wherever you see them with their stupid arses, or strangely often lack-of-arse, hanging out over pants that have been forgotten at half-mast, I urge you all: kick them! Punch them! Throw the remains of your coffee on them! Push them into traffic! Set them on fucking fire!

The only way these arse terrorists will learn to wear pants properly is if it becomes vital for their survival. We have to draw a line, and let’s face it, people with their pants half down can’t fucking chase you so fuck ‘em, you get a free shot!

FACT: A Piece Of Shit That Glitters Is Still A Piece Of Shit!

I’ve held my fucking peace on this for as long as I can but, unfortunately, today I’ve seen one gormless Twilight-merchandise-clad teen too many. That one idiotic straw has crippled my camel and I’m ready to buy a fuckload of guns and decimate the population if I don’t get this out. TWILIGHT IS FUCKING SHIT!!! It is! It’s a big pile of horseshit and if you like it you should grab the nearest blade and fucking end yourself – you’d be doing the world a big cunting favour!

 

What a reprehensibly ugly literary idea. I can imagine the creative process that went into this. 

Hmm…what if draculas were sparkly? Ooh yeah, that’s great because draculas are pretty scary and if they were sparkly and all into teenage girls, not like 200 year old pedos, but like really hot teenage boys…but, y’know, a bit more murdery. Yeah that’d be the best! Just when girls think they’re too grown up for unicorns they can fall in love with a sparkly dracula who’ll get them all juiced up but way too scared to actually have sex. I mean, shit, I don’t wanna get chucked out of my church, I just wanna cash in! 

The real tragedy is they all buy it. They fucking love it, they buy it and they buy every stupid fucking thing to do with it. It makes me want to staple a cat to my balls and go to a remedial dog obedience session! GET FUCKED!!! I realise everyone needs a bit of fantasy but cunting well think about it. I am an adult. I don’t think I’m alone in that I can’t think of many things worse than conversing with teenagers. People with no life experience to draw on but an absolute knowledge that no-one has ever gone through anything like the nothing they’re going through. Now honestly ask yourself this: If you had a couple of hundred years to learn and experience the world, would the petty, empty, self-absorbed shitness of teenagers suddenly become more magical?

I THINK FUCKING NOT!!! 

Or think about it another way: If you were immortal and had superpowers, could you think of something more fun to do than going to high school? If you answered no to this question you really need to go back to the whole suicide idea and give it a bit more thought because life is being wasted on you. 

Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer! Fuck you, Bella! Fuck you, Edward! Fuck you, consumers of this utter trash! ARSE!!!

Australia Post – Dirty Pirate Bastards.

So Australia Post are a bunch of cunts! This may not be news to some people but it twatted me squarely between the eyes today.  I wish there was something other than whinging I could do about it but there isn’t so I’m just going to sit here being as fucked-off as hell…again. What’s new? 

I went into the post office to get a document certified as a “true copy” today. There are an arseload of locations I could quite easily have chosen to get this done but, as I would have to post the document after, I felt it would be quicker to get it all done in the one place. What I found out when I got there was that on 15^th February this year Australia Post had started charging $3.95 per page for this service. A service which had been free until then and continues to be free everywhere else it is provided. 

I asked why the fee had been introduced and was met with an insipid smile and a vaguely uncomfortable I don’t know. 

I left the post office muttering to myself and walked down the street to the chemist where they happily certified my document without charge. In gratitude I put a couple of coins in the Salvation Army tin on the counter. I like them at the chemist. I wish I could have posted my letters there. 

I marched back into the post office and glared at the postal worker in the hope that my glaring alone would either penetrate his soul causing him to take up arms against the management of Australia Post and start a postal-worker revolution OR maybe just cause him to drop dead from a deeply-felt social remorse. My glaring powers seem to be in need of a bit of work. I paid the postage on my letter and walked outside to post it and swear to myself some more.

WHAT THE FUCK??? It used to be that the post office was there to serve the public. To provide valuable services. To help. I have no issue with anyone making a living but let’s be quite fucking honest. THIS IS SHIT!!! Australia Post is a self-funded, Government-owned organisation. They hold a monopoly over the postal service in Australia and have for the last few years been posting record profits. Furthermore, they have approval from the ACCC to put up the price of stamps to 60 cents later this year. WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY NEED MORE MONEY FOR??? The certification of documents is an important service. Is this fee a bid to simply not provide this courtesy to the community anymore by encouraging people to go somewhere they can get it for free, or is it a cynical plan to exploit even more money out of a captive market seeing as everyone has to go there eventually if they want to post their stuff? Either way it is a thoroughly reprehensible piece of corporate malignancy. 

FUCK YOU, AUSTRALIA POST!!! This decision is mean-spirited, exploitative and downright cunting well fucked! $3.95 PER CUNTING PAGE!!! IT’S DAYLIGHT FUCKING ROBBERY!!! Whoever came up with this idea is an evil shit-licker and my dearest wish is that they should die bleeding out of their arse in a tank full of hungry sharks. Tomorrow. On TV. CUNTS!!! ARSE!!! FUCK!!!

No, stupid bogan, you don’t own an American car!

Sometimes I just want to shoot people in the face. There are those people who I honestly think can only be helped by having the addled contents of their craniums aired out and spread over a 10 metre radius.

The Holden Commodore has been one of the most popular Australian made sedans of the last 30 years. In fact it is so popular in Australia that it has oft been referred to as the Holden Clitoris due to the fact that every cunt’s got one! 

I appreciate the need to stand out from the crowd but over the last couple of years there has been a growing phenomenon amongst the cashed-up-brainless-fuck-knuckle set of taking the Holden badges off their Commodores and replacing them with Chevrolet badges. 

The motivation for doing this is hazy at best but is generally perceived to be a moronic attempt to make an extremely unimaginative choice of motor vehicle appear a little more exotic.

1. It doesn’t work.
2. It’s fucking bullshit! 

What the fuck are they thinking? Well, it’s questionable whether they’re actually capable of anything as complex as thought or whether this action is just a stimulus-response anomaly. My view? IDIOTS!!! Everyone in Australia knows that the Commodore is an Australian car so the Chevy badges aren’t fooling anyone! Do you seriously think that your Commodore-owning mates will turn around and exclaim: 

Ohmafahkingooooood! Davo’s got a Chevy! Fahkinellmaaate!

No. Sadly, your arse-clown-deadshit mates know that it’s just a Holden with Chev badges. Even your fucking Horizon-smoking mum knows. So, if even the stupidest people aren’t fooled, what is the point? 

Is it part of the great Aussie cultural cringe? That idea that anything we are, have or do would be way better if it was English or American or otherwise internationally approved of so we knew it was OK to like? Is it just a national self-loathing? Oh mate, I’d be way cooler if I was American! Forgetting of course that even if they really were American they’d just be an American fuckwit which I imagine isn’t that much cooler than being an Australian fuckwit. 

It’s fucking stupid is what it is and I fucking hate stupid! It fucking shits me off that someone would go to the trouble of deliberately buying a vehicle to then spend extra money pretending it’s something else. WHY??? Why not just buy a fucking car you want? Why not sit for a moment THINKING THROUGH, or cunt-forbid RESEARCHING, the multitudinous options available in the world of motor vehicles before you purchase the same thing everybody else has and decide it’s not good enough? CRETINS!!!

I realise that re-badging vehicles is no new thing in the auto industry. Holdens were re-badged as Pontiacs in the U.S. and Vauxhalls in the U.K., Holden themselves have sold re-badged Isuzus, Toyotas, Opels, you name it, as Holdens. That’s just selling cars. It’s just marketing. I know that Holden is part of General Motors, a U.S. company, and for years the Holden Commodore has been re-badged and sold as the Chevrolet Lumina overseas but that doesn’t change the fact that under the badge it’s still a Holden Commodore. The real question is: why, in Australia, a country full of Holden Commodores, where everyone knows your Commodore is a locally designed and made Holden, would you spend good money putting on foreign badges that fool no-one? You’d have more luck passing yourself off as a woman by tucking your dick and balls back between your legs! Stop being a  fucktard! Go right ahead and customize your vehicle if you want to just stop being ashamed of its true identity. Stop being ashamed of supporting your local car industry!

But Chevs are cool, man! 

Fucking buy one then! IT’S NOT A CUNTING CHEVROLET!!! 

It may be worth noting that it is common for Holden owners in the U.S. to re-badge them with the original Holden badges. Why do they do it? Out of respect because that’s what the car is! I swear, if you’re one of those slutheads who’s re-badged their Holden as a Chev, you should take it out on a deserted bit of highway, wind it up to 200km/h and wrap it around the biggest gum tree you can find. As much as I like the new Commodores, the human race does not need YOU!

A Valentine’s Day Wish For All.

Valentine’s Day can go and fuck a dead horse!

What a stupid, nauseatingly saccharine day. I’m not anti-romance, I just don’t get why everyone shits all over themselves for one day a fucking year. GET A GRIP FUCKHEADS, YOU’VE BEEN SOLD!!! If you’re in a relationship you have anniversaries and every day of your life to let the one you love know how special they are to you. You don’t need a generic day unless you’re a shit partner. If you’re single Valentine’s Day either makes you want to kill yourself for being a fat, ugly, stinky, socially dysfunctional, grotesque, sexually inept nebbish and utter failure OR WORSE, it turns you into a fucking desperado who can’t bear his/ser own company and would rather jettison every shred of self-respect, identity and decency in an effort to be a temporary accessory in someone else’s fantasy of their own banal excuse for a life.

Couples are the fucking worst on Valentine’s Day because they get all smug, even if they haven’t fucked for a decade, and rub their single friends’ noses in it talking about how blessed they are and how really Valentine’s Day is just a formality because every day is Valentine’s Day when you’re with your soul mate. I just want to tear their fucking lips off and vomit on their vacant, doe-eyed faces. Just fucking hurry up: breed, die and shut your fucking holes so we can all get on with life, you miserable suburban cock rags! 

It’s a little known fact that the St Valentine’s Day Massacre had nothing to do with mob rivalry and was actually revenge sparked by a nasty incident on 13^th February, 1929. Al Capone had just ended a particularly unhappy love affair when he was found eating alone and sobbing into a bowl of spaghetti puttanesca by Frank Gusenberg, four of his mates and their wives. Despite the fact that their boss, Bugs Moran, and Al weren’t the best of mates, they decided to cheer ol’ Scarface up by sitting down with him to recount tales of how they all met their wives, the little cute things they loved about each other, how they all came by their pet names and their secrets for having and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. Al finally got away from them shortly after midnight and immediately boarded a flight to Florida. On his way to the airport he arranged to have the fucking lot of them (wives excluded – things were civilized back then) lined up against a wall and fucking shot first thing in the cunting morning, and so it was! Fucking wholly deserved too, I’m surprised there aren’t St. Valentine’s Day Massacres like that every fucking year. 

If you’re happy this Valentine’s Day, do us both a favour – SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!